Thursday, July 3, 2014

throwback thursday: excerpts from my diary-- the college years

This is me in college in 1999.  That cigarette is not lit.  I just thought it looked cool.
It's one thing to read your diary from when you were fourteen and think "man, I was super young and stupid" but to read your journal from college and to still think "man, I was super young and stupid" is even more embarrassing.  I mean, I was the same age as Felicity.  I figured I would have stored up a little more wisdom from age 14 to age 19.  Here is an entry about my first big break-up.  All the names have been changed to protect the guilty:

November 7th, 1999

I've been dreading to write, I knew my last entry was all about me and Joel and how much I love him.  But all of that is over now.  It just happened out of nowhere, it was like someone handed me all of the happiness in the world and took it away just as fast as they gave it.  Last week, Joel was acting kind of distant for a couple of days and he explained that he was just bored with life, but not me.  A couple of days later, when I asked him again on the phone it was I think I might break up with you, and I don't love you anymore.  I died.  Every happy moment, everything we've shared was taken.  I called my mom in the middle of the night crying.  It was just so out of the blue, I didn't see it coming at all.

The next day, he came over to talk or make the break up official.  I was pretty much a mess, crying and everything.  My feelings for Joel were exactly where they were in my last entry, but those feelings are slowly deteriorating.  It hurts to love him.  I've never been hurt like this.  I gave him all the stuff he'd ever given me. I was doing really well for awhile but I've been feeling kind of down.  Joel was my best friend and the greatest thing in my life and to never speak to him again is really hard to comprehend even though I know I could never be friends with him.

How can I go from sharing my whole being with someone (33-year-old me is *cringing*) to just being friends?  And as soon as he meets someone, which knowing Joel will be soon, it'll kill me all over again. I know I have other things going for me in life, I know in time I will meet someone else, but it's still hard to let go.  I thought having sex with Joel was a major commitment but obviously he didn't think so.

Anyway, I went home this weekend to work and I had a really fun night Friday.  I cut all of my hair off-- the last of myself with Joel.  I went to downtown Palo Alto with Mike, Jason, Brandon, and Tracy.  We went dancing at The Edge and it was really the happiest I've been since this whole break up.

God, I'm never having sex again.  The hardest part is not knowing what he's feeling, I'm sure he'll hear I'm doing okay through Mike.  How does life change so fucking fast?  How can I ever trust anyone?

 I joined the Film Arts Coalition a few weeks ago and that's been cool.  I'm going to Sundance in January.  I want this lump in my throat to go away and I know that it will-- soon.


Well, guys.  I didn't stay true to my word.  I did have sex again, but never again with Joel.  Three months later, he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life by dumping me, but I refused to take him back.  Mostly because breaking up was so awful, I didn't want to risk going through it again.  It would take me a few years-- and listening to a shit ton of Tori Amos-- before I had another boyfriend though.

I must have listened to this song a million times:


  1. I don't think this is embarrassing at all. Really insightful and relatable, actually.

  2. Wait, nevermind. You kind of suck:

    1. Ugh, I know. I totally do suck. I didn't give more context to the diary entry because I've written about it in several other posts. I sort of deserved the bad break-up karma. BUT the break-up with "joel" the second time around was more traumatic for me b/c after we got back together, we slept together for the first time (my first time with anyone). I never actually slept with long board guy until about two years later. And I also think I misrepresented myself in the "I want you back" post when I said I didn't actually still love him. I did, but it was also combined with severe jealousy. In my defense, I was only 19.

  3. I totally needed to read something like this right now. Thanks for sharing!