Monday, July 21, 2014

why you should send his ex a THANK YOU card

Dudes: you know what the most agonizing part of a break-up is for a woman?  It's not the fear that we'll never meet anyone who loves us again.  It's not the depressing fact that we have to find someone else that we feel comfortable enough with to walk from the bedroom to the bathroom butt-naked.  It's not even the fact that we'll no longer have a plus-one to take to our friend's wedding or to our work holiday parties.  It's that all the effort we put into the relationship was FOR NOTHING.  And that the person who will reap the benefits of all our hard work is your new girlfriend.  That fucking bitch.

Men, you know it's true. Before your current girlfriend/wife, there was another girlfriend that taught you everything you know about being a good partner.  For every guy out there who knows how to plan a date, buy the perfect birthday gift, be nice to your friends and family, cheer you up about your bad day at work, clean a toilet, whisk you away for the weekend, call and text in a timely manner, cook dinner, and perform cunnilingus--- there USED TO BE a guy who didn't have the open table app, didn't realize a card wasn't an appropriate birthday gift, never hung out with your friends and family, didn't know about your bad day at work cause he didn't bother asking, was confused by the notion of toilet bowl cleaner, never planned a weekend getaway, barely returned calls or texts, had no idea how to boil water, and had no freaking clue how to find a clitoris.  And the chick who taught him all those things?  Well, she probably got the boot the minute he realized that with all his new skills, he deserved a girlfriend upgrade.

In case you still can't wrap your mind around this, another analogy: I hate to use the word "train" when it comes to guys and I hate to compare men to dogs, but it's sort of like if I gave my dog away to someone else.  I had to deal with a puppy who peed and shat all over the house, while the next owner gets a house-trained dog that never has any accidents indoors.  This is precisely why a lot men end up getting married to the person they meet after ending another serious relationship. 

On that note, I'd like to give some credit where credit is due.  Thanks to the H-bombs ex-girlfriend.  We've never met, but I love your work.  And to all the current wives of my exes: you bitches are welcome.

2 comments:

  1. Girls: you know what the most agonizing part of a break up is for a guy? It's not the fear that we'll never meet someone who loves us again. It's not the depressing fact that we have to find someone else that we feel comfortable enough to fart in front of. It's not even the fact that we won't be able to parade you in front of our sad virgin friends to remind them of how awesome we are to have a girlfriend. It's that all the work we put into the relationship was FOR NOTHING. And the person who will reap all the benefits of our hard work is your new boyfriend. That dbag.

    Girls, you know it's true. Before your current boyfriend/husband there was another boyfriend that taught you everything you know about being a good partner. For every girl who can watch a sports game and know what's going on, not freak out about a guy having female friends, know when to not leave used tampons out in the bathroom, cook dinner (not all girls can cook), and give a good blow job - there USED to be a girl who was so controlling and possessive that she pushed all her significant others away, refused to participate in anything he liked to do ever (watch basketball, whatever), had no idea how to boil water, had no idea that just because you put a dudes pens in your mouth doesn't make it automatically the best blow job ever, went ballistic over not responding to a Facebook comment or not liking an Instagram photo, and generally thought that having a vaginal makes you impervious to wrongdoing. And the nice guy who taught her those things? Well, he probably got the boot the moment she realized that with her leveled up girlfriend skills she could nab a 9 instead of a 7.

    See what I did there? Believe it or not, there's such a thing as a bad girlfriend. When you see chronically single girls complaining that they always date or find the wrong guy it MAY just be possible that there's a problem on the other end of it, too. Like, constantly dating shitty guys is a character flaw. There's a point where after you've dated, say, 12 terrible dudes, you gotta take a look at yourself and think, maybe I'm doing something wrong if the only guys that go for me are assholes.

    Girls are not always saints. Granted, mostly they are, but bad girlfriends are definitely a thing.

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    1. oh totally, anonymous. I never purported to say that women don't learn anything about relationships from their ex-boyfriends. This post could have easily been titled "why you should send her ex-boyfriend a thank you card." But I appreciate your commitment in making your point! I may just have to make a whole post out of it. also: WHAT GIRL LEFT HER USED TAMPONS OUT IN THE BATHROOM? That is straight up disgusting.

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