Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: episode 3

This week's episode picks up right after the rose ceremony and sadly we are not treated to any reenactments or dramatizations.  Although there is another dramatic leg injury.  As Michelle and Marquel walk away from the ceremony hand in hand, Michelle says that she sees a future with Marquel, that they have a connection blah blah blah and then five seconds later, Danielle (from Juan Pablo's season) shows up with a date card, asks Marquel out, and he say YES!

And that is the end of the burgeoning relationship between Marquel and Michelle.  I for one am super excited about the pairing of Marquel and Danielle.  Not only because their names also rhyme, but because they've both got black in them.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this the first time in the history of this franchise that we actually get to see two African-American contestants go on a date together?  This is a breath of fresh air.  With the unrelenting rumors that Queen Bey and Jay-Z are going to get divorced, these two might actually fill a void for me.

But Michelle Money is really upset by this new development.  She just KNEW Danielle would pick Marquel (ahem, because they're both black?) So what's a thirty-something single mom supposed to do in this situation?  Take a guy away from the only disabled contestant of course!  Michelle sets her sights on Robert even though she did not give him a rose and even though one-armed Sarah is really into him. Bitch probably parks in handicapped parking spots too.

Meanwhile, over in Delusional Town, Elise has completely forgotten about Dylan and is now madly in love with Chris.  He is her silver lining.  For most of this episode, everyone stares at Elise like her brain is being eaten by tiny beach termites.  No one understands how she could go from saying she and Dylan are going to be together forever to suddenly being infatuated with the biggest playa in bachelor history.  Elise gets the next date card and she runs to Chris and he says "YES" before she even gets the chance to properly ask him out.  And then five seconds later, he completely fucks up his knee (in the water-- because everyone knows swimming is a high impact sport) and now he's a full on gimp.

Marquel and Danielle go out on their date and sadly there really isn't too much chemistry.  The problem with these ladies is that most of them have NO personality.  They all kind of seem dead behind their eyes.  Is it because shitty men have sucked the life right out of them?  I'm not sure.  But all the chicks are making Clare, friend to Raccoons look like Ms. Personality.  Seriously, Clare is very quickly becoming my fave.  Danielle makes the rookie mistake of telling Marquel that she's had a crush on him since watching him on Andy's season.  NOOOOOO.  Keep this shit to yourself, girl.  This immediately makes Marquel feel like he's the celebrity and you're the adoring fan.

The date ends with Marq-hell nearly getting struck by lightning and the production crew screaming at everyone to get inside.  You guys: this could only mean one thing.  God hates the Bachelor franchise.  I'm serious.  It was SO windy in the first episode.  And now people are nearly getting struck by lightning?  In pretty much every single episode of every Bachelor(ette) season, there have been weather issues.  I always thought it was poor planning on productions part but now it's all so clear to me: it's God.  He wants these people to suffer, because they are straight up awful.  Except for Chris Harrison.  He's an angel sent down from heaven.

Side note: the more I looked at Lacy in this episode, the more I found her to be kind of busted.  She's got really weird little eyes. And seriously messed up eyelashes and eyebrows (which is a theme among the women).  But it's cool, because she's found love with Marcus and not only does his face look like a penis, but it now looks like he has a herpe on one side of his nose.

In what turns out to feel like a bit of a desperate move between the two elderly contestants in paradise (Michelle and Clare, both THIRTY-THREE otherwise known as DISGUSTING) decide they're going to plan a double date between Michelle and Robert and Clare and Zack.  This whole set up is really upsetting to Sarah, because she hearts Robert but doesn't have the self confidence to plan a date with him.  She's all by herself in Paradise and starts crying. It's super sad. Especially since Sarah is one of the only natural beauties on the show.  I really hope someone at Dove is watching and creates their next brand strategy campaign around Sarah so that they can boost her self-confidence.  If that doesn't work, then maybe she can at least get a stint on Dancing With the Stars.

Time for Elise and Chris's date in Campache, Mexico.  Guys, we see A LOT of Campache in this episode.  Chris de Playa is still in excruciating pain and can barely walk-- which is kind of perfect, because Elise is wearing an ill-fitted uncomfortable dress and stripper shoes that she can barely walk in.  It hits me in this moment: Elise is Donna Martin.  Like, remember how in 90210 Donna always wore outfits that weren't very sensible?  I really think at some point Elise will show up dressed as a mermaid:
During dinner, Elise's crazy side continues to expose itself when she says things like "you will be blessed for being so sweet to me" (i.e. there will be butt play in your future).  They receive a card from Chris Harrison saying they can forgo there separate rooms to spend the night together and I swear Elise has to sound out some of the words while she reads out loud.  They decide to see where the night leads them (boning) and Elise puts on a fugly glittery green bikini and they make out in a pool.  Somehow, I believe when they're behind closed doors, Chris convinces Elise that he can't have sex because of his knee and she will have to give him blow jobs all night.  Here's hoping she at least made him yell Elise Bukowski over and over again while he jizzed in her mouth.

Back in paradise, Danielle and Marquel return from their date and literally 22 seconds later someone new walks on the island-- someone who's apparently gorgeous and has the best body in the universe.  It's Jackie from Sean's season.  Damn.  I guess she's really pretty?  She never really stood out to me before, but the theme of Bachelor in Paradise is "people who are hotter than you previously thought." Jackie has a date card and she asks Marquel to go out with her and he says YESSSSSSSS. And all I can say is: poor Danielle.

Guys are such dipshits. The least he could do is have a little chat with Danielle instead of openly humiliating her by accepting Jackie's date. In this case only, I'm joining the ranks of black women out there who do not approve of black men dating white chicks.  Normally, I'm like: everyone should date everyone, but seeing Marquel jump at the chance to go out with Jackie two minutes after his date with Danielle the Goddess is really upsetting to me.

At this point, I'm getting super bored with this episode until the editing Gods remind me that Ashlee is still on the show and that she's a whole new breed of crazy.  Don't get me wrong, Elise is delusional and I think the inner-workings of her brain probably look a lot like the board for Candyland, but Ashlee is totally in the boil your bunny category of nuts.  And Honey Graham cracker can already sense that she's cray cray-- especially since she's already talked about how excited she is for him to meet her dad (I think they've been on the island for 4 days, FYI) but when Ashlee gets the next date card, Graham agrees to be her date.

In other news, Marcus and Lacey are still super into each other and he sees "a relationship future" with her.

Meanwhile, Marquel and Jackie go to Campache and basically have the exact same date as Clare and Robert in the first episode.  Apparently, date ideas are very limited on this show.  They climb the ruins and we hear that their personalities are really similar.  I expect that maybe Jackie's going to make a ton of jokes or win us over by her charm and wicked sense of humor....but that doesn't happen.  In fact, the only joke she makes is how she would ask the Gods to bring her coffee every morning.  And as far as what Marquel and Jackie have in common--- it's the fact that neither of them kisses on a first date but they decide to make out anyway.  Two words: POOR. DANIELLE.

Elise and Chris make a pit stop at the hospital after spending the night together.  This way, Chris can get some medical attention for his knee and Elise can get some antibiotics for the throat infection she got from his penis.  When they arrive back in paradise, Elise waits on Chris hand and foot.  Girlfriend literally thinks Chris's knee injury is the best thing that could have happened in their relationship.  She says and I quote "This is my man now, forever."  She's about five minutes away from tying him to the bed posts and smashing his legs in with a sledgehammer.

One of the best parts of this episode was watching one arm Sarah drop some mad rationale on Elise by telling her she's cuckoo and two days ago she was madly in love with Dylan.  It's at this moment that I think confetti should rain down and Sarah should be rewarded with ten million dollars. 

The night in paradise ends with Zack and Clare cuddling on the beach as she cries to him about losing her dad.  He's actually very sweet to her and I'm kind of liking them together.  Clare freaks out when she sees a turtle on the beach that's just laid eggs.  Between the raccoon and the sea turtle, I'm fully expecting a singing crab to show up in Clare's bedroom by next week.

Ugh, third date in Campache guys.  I'm so sick of this place. Do the producers not know that there are other cities in Mexico???  Graham tries to be a sport on his date with Ashlee the sociopath, but he can barely contain his terror when she tells him that she follows his instagram feed.  He tries to nicely tell her to settle the fuck down, but she just bats her freaky eyelashes at him and tries to picture what their kids will look like.  He actually rejects the possibility of spending the night with her and Ashlee thinks that means he's a gentleman and not that he's just genuinely terrified she will poke holes in the condom. They start dancing on the street and then suddenly Graham runs for his life.  Just kidding.  But apparently that happens next week.

Chris Harrison (looking good, boo) arrives to start the rose ceremony and there are a couple unknowns.  Will Robert give the rose to dried up single mom Michelle Money or to smart, sensible, armless Sarah?  Will Marquel piss off every woman in America by NOT giving the rose to Danielle and choosing Jackie instead?  Yes, yes he will.  The sound you hear is millions of women no longer being into Marquel.  Luckily, Robert restores our faith in humanity by giving his rose to Sarah-- which makes Michelle burst into tears because that means she'll have to leave paradise and be a mother again. BUT in a huge twist, Chris Bukowski tells Elise he can't give her the rose because he's in excruciating pain, but he would like her to leave with him.  What we don't hear is that he'd like her to leave with him to be his full time nurse.  He'll pay her $12 an hour and will give her full health benefits after a 90 day grace period.

Chris Douche-kowski makes Michelle Money's life when he gives her the rose (is this like not against the rules?) because he thinks she deserves to find love more than anyone. Michelle bursts into tears and once again the only female minority on the show (except for Clare who's half Mexican, as in sometimes she eats at Taco Bell) gets the shaft.

TRUTH: The women in Nigeria are treated better than black women on The Bachelor franchise. #bringbackourgirldanielle

Last thing I'd like to add is that we were totally victims of sneaky editing in the promos this week.  The show had Elise gushing over Chris, then Chris saying "I'm miserable" and "Elise, I can't give you this rose" and then we come to find out that his "I'm miserable" was just about his knee and he was going to take Elise home with him?  Talk about fake drama.  Next week better live up to my expectations.  I'm expecting Ashlee to have a full fledged mental breakdown.  I want her to be straight up Brittany Murphy in Don't Say a Word.

1 comment:

  1. Ha looove! I was also excited to see next week in the previews our friend the raccoon is back! Though a singing crab would be magical as well