Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bachelor In Paradise: episode 4

This week in Paradise we are in for a treat -- a two night extravaganza. You may only be in Paradise once, but ABC is allowing viewers to experience drama, roses and Talum, Mexico TWICE IN ONE WEEK. Brace yourselves people.

In yet another exciting rose ceremony, Chris B shocked the entire nation by asking Elise to come home to Chicago with him and giving his rose to Michelle Money. Michelle is touched and although Robert gave his rose to one armed Sarah, she still has hope that he will ask her on his date. Since I heart Michelle, I am going to cut her some slack and say that Elise rubbed off on her and she was simply taking a page from Elise's delusional handbook of love.

I admit that I did miss Elise rambling on about rainbows and storms. I even missed her green sequined ensembles. I must point out that the website Possesionista tells viewers where we can find the outfits of our fave bachelor contestants. Well, even Possesionista refused to allow anyone to emulate Elise's mermaid hooker style.
Not so shockingly, Robert asked Sarah on the date with him. Now I like one armed Sarah. I feel like she often serves as the voice of reason and I have been rooting for her to find true love. Still, I think she went a little overboard (literally and figuratively since the date was on a boat) by saying it was "Sarah Day" AND asking Michelle money to do her hair. Gotta give it to my girl Michelle though. Even if she's feeling jealous and rejected, she will give you some fabulous hair. It makes me feel a little better to know that if someone like Michelle Money can feel rejected, it can truly happen to the best of us.

Michelle's only hope is for a new guy to arrive and sweep her off her feet. And then Cody barrels in. I personally think he's like a big, dumb oaf, but he does seem to have a good heart. Good hearts and big muscles are hard to come by these days so I would probably accept a date with Cody too (well, in the hypothetical paradise I have created in my mind).

Cody immediately asks Clare on his date. He says he watched her season, had a crush and came for her. Clare Bear is super flattered, but she doesn't want to screw things up with Zack. So she asks Zack what she should do and he says the thing that no girl wants to hear in that situation (basically that he might like to bang other people so he isn't going to stop her from doing the same). I gotta say, I am really loving Clare. She tells Zack that she wants a guy who is sure about her and if they aren't on the same page, she's not going to be putting all her eggs in one basket. Now usually this is a convo that is had after more than 5 days, but things move quickly in Bachelor world. I mean, this a show where people get engaged after like a month. So I give Clare credit for staying strong. I've been trying to say that shit and actually mean it for YEARS now.

Elise would probably have advised Clare to make out with Cody in the ocean in order to truly test her relationship with Zack. Well, we all know Elise isn't the best one to be giving advice and Clare has had issues with hooking up with guys in the ocean (more on that in a few). So Clare goes with her heart and decides to continue things with Zack. Zack realizes he could lose his Paradise meal ticket and agrees to only bang Clare. She's ecstatic. Cody, proving once again he is an oaf with a heart of gold, gives his date card to his dear friend Marcus.

Marcus and Lacey have a connection that everyone in paradise yearns for. Honestly, they really do seem perfect for each other. First of all, they are like the most boring people ever. If I was a fly on the wall for one of their dates, I would probably fall asleep. Do flies sleep? I'll have to google that later. Secondly, they are both generically good looking people, but something is just off. It's like they both SHOULD be really good looking and have all the stereotypical good looking features, but something causes him to look like a penis and her to look like a wide eyed bird. Still, they found love and I am single so...yeah.

Marcus slips up and tells Lacey he loves her. He quickly tries to cover up the damage by saying he really likes her and is crazy about her, but we alllll heard it. He loves her. Luckily, she loves him too. Whoever said you can't find love in a few days clearly hasn't met Marcus and Lacey.

Michelle is still hopeful that the next guy who comes might be her Prince Charming. She doesn't even seem super picky about it, if he has a penis and isn't a total douche he's in the running. A tall figure walks up the beach. Could it be? Could it be Michelle's prince? Oh. No. It's Kalon. Kalon is the lovely ass clown who referred to Emily Maynard's precious daughter as baggage. He also wears pink button down shirts and says a lot of inappropriate things. It seems like he is in no hurry to resurrect his image because he immediately zeroes in on Michelle and lets us know he would like to zipline into her vajayjay and motorboat her.

*Note to guys: Saying things like that will not get you into our heart or vajayjays.

Michelle initially accepts Kalon's date, but then decides she doesn't want to spend her afternoon with an asshole who may consider her own daughter to be baggage. So Kalon asks Jackie. Jackie politely declines. Next, he tries for one armed Sarah. She doesn't even try to hide her disgust. So instead of giving his date card to someone else to enjoy, Kalon decides to go on the first ever one on none date. Yes folks, Kalon goes on a date with himself.

As Kalon plunges into a dark Mexican hole (he assures us it's not his first time), he falls in love with himself all over again. He engages in a titillating conversation. With himself. He makes out. With himself. I think it's safe to say this is one love story that will last far beyond the confines of the show.

In a pretty anticlimactic moment, Jesse Kovacs arrives. I've always loved Jesse Kovacs. I may even follow him on instagram, but shhhh don't tell him that. He goes on a date with Jackie which I kind of like because I feel like they are both underrated gems of hotness. I have to say that while I've always loved Jesse, it was pretty clear he was only after a rose and was laying it on pretty thick like Aunt Jemima. I just created that expression because Aunt Jemima makes syrup and syrup is thick. I think it's past my bedtime. Anyway...

Back at the house, a storm is a brewin' and we're not talking about the weather. Ashlee tells Zack he should definitely keep his options open, because Clare had sex with Don Pablo in the ocean. Nice. Then AshLee freaks out because she didn't realize this private conversation was actually being filmed. Um, you are on a reality show. Pretty sure they are filming you allll the time unless you are pooping. So now the whole house knows Ashlee is a two faced weasel and we learned you don't mess with Clare.

Ashlee is like "I'm sorry, we're friends." Clare is all "you're not my friend." Ashlee is like "I didn't know I was being filmed, I'm usually very nice when I think people are watching me." Just kidding. She didn't actually say that, but we know she was thinking it. She asks Clare if they can hug it out, but Clare says she's good. Can't really blame the girl.

So Clare goes back to Zack and you know she's singing "cause the faker's gonna fake fake fake fake fake, i'm just gonna shake shake shake shake shake. Shake it off." OK so she probably didn't sing that, but I've been singing it non-stop ever since I heard it last week (and 100 times in the days that followed).

Michelle and Cody form a connection on the beach. He gives her a back massage and she is happy to finally not be the odd girl out. I must say, they might possibly be the most random couple ever. Like LC and Jason on Laguna Beach when everyone was like "they're dating? say what?" I miss Laguna Beach.

I do think Michelle and Graham are like the cutest best friends ever and I still wish they would just get married and make beautiful babies. Still, they seem pretty set on just being besties so Michelle feels it's her duty to inform him that Ashlee has been a shady one. Graham is not pleased and immediately needs a vodka soda.

It's rose ceremony time. I think Marcus and Lacey will now always be the first to hand out roses because there is just no suspense there. Clare and Zack have overcome their hurdles (I miss Elise) and will continue to bang only each other. For at least another week. Now it's Ashlee's turn and as she picks up her rose, we hear voiceover of Graham expressing his doubts about her. In another dramatic turn of rose ceremony events, Graham walks off the stage. Will he accept Ashlee's rose? Does he need another vodka soda? Did he decide to cancel his instagram account immediately?


But don't worry, we will find out all of  the answers in a mere 24 hours.

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