Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: episode 5

Dear friends, I'm so sad to report that once again we have fallen victim to the evil genius promo producers on Bachelor in Paradise.  I was expecting so much more from tonight's episode!  Monday night ended with Crazy Ashlee giving Graham Cracker a rose and then him breaking out in a cold sweat and running away. His best gal friend Michelle Money goes after him (someone please explain why they are not in love and together?), while Ashlee calmly waits for him to return.  Girlfriend is not even phased, because she has clearly put some sort of ancient Tulum love spell on Graham and knows he will be back shortly to collect his rose.

Graham says he's not feeling well and Michelle $ gets him some water.  The producers tell him it's probably the heat, but I know that it's really God trying to strike down his first victim.  Graham drinks it up, quickly recovers, and returns to gladly accept Ashlee's rose and that's when I'm like WTF is wrong with this dude?  There can only be one explanation.  He's truly afraid that if he rejects Ashlee in any way, she will murder his entire family.  Either that or he just wants to work on his tan.  I refuse to believe he's actually interested in her, because that makes him the stupidest man in paradise.  And.... Jesse Kovacks is now on the show.

Dumb Lacey starts getting all kinds of queasy when Graham accepts Ashlee's rose and needs to vomit.  Marcus hurries to check on her and she's carted away in an ambulance.  #1 I hope she's pregnant. #2 I hope Chris Harrison is the father. #3 Did you guys notice that her dress still had its tags on it?  Bitch better not even try to return the dress she vomited in.  Also, I know the doctors will blame it on dehydration, but I know the truth.  God is trying to murder everyone on The Bachelor.

Sadly, Jackie gives her rose to Jesse Kovacks and Marquel gets sent home which means-- wait for it-- ONLY WHITE PEOPLE LEFT ON THE SHOW AND ONLY WHITE PEOPLE BEING ADDED TO THE CAST.  I'm going to miss Marquel, but this is what he gets for giving Jackie the rose instead of Danielle two episodes ago. 

Kalon also goes home, but no one cares, because he's like a super ineffective comic book villain.

New girl Christy arrives and I'm pretty sure she got dropped off at the beach by a booze cruise.  She's a hot mess throughout this entire episode and didn't even bother to get her roots done before appearing on national television.  She has a date card and decides to ask Zack out.  I think it's nice that so many girls like Zack even though he doesn't have a neck.  It's just like how Robert likes Sarah even though she doesn't have an arm.  So sweet.  After some heavy flirting and Zack seriously downplaying his situation with Clare, he decides that he can't go on a date with Christy after all.

Zack, hoping for some serious butt play, tells Clare that he turned down Christy and Clare is super happy.  This confirms that they are on the path to... a cave or a ruin or a cobblestone street in a town called Campache.

After getting rejected by No Neck, Christy decides to cheer herself up by asking Jessie Kovacks to hang out with her.  He says "I want to touch your boobs."  Just kidding, he says yes.  These two are perfectly douche-tastic together.  I want them to end up together, but only if he's sterile and she's infertile so that there's no chance they will ever procreate.   The best part of their date is when Christy tells Jesse that her last boyfriend cheated on her and he's basically like "that's SO awesome."  No, seriously.  He's like cracking up.  He's pretty much LAUGHING at her.  But somehow she still says he's different than other guys she's dated.

Jackie's super bummed that Jesse's already dating someone when she gave him her rose instead of Marquel, but I kind of love that karma's a bitch on this show. 

Sarah gets the next date card and naturally she asks Robert to be her date.  I'm super excited for them to go out, because I just can't wait to see what stunning one piece bathing suit Sarah will be sporting.   The date starts with dinner where Robert mentions that he's excited to have another slice of Sarah-dise. I'm super into this pun, even if "another slice" just makes me think of her losing another limb which would be horrible.

And then, finally-- the moment I've been waiting for.  Robert suggests they go for a swim and Sarah wears a perfect black one piece. They get in the water and FINALLY kiss.  I can't believe they hadn't kissed before.  I feel like they've been dating for three months-- okay fine, I feel like they've been dating for two days-- how have they not kissed yet?  But for once, the moment is actually super cute and romantic and I feel my heart swell with joy.  Sarah and Robert FOREVER.  Or until next week when Sarah gets all cocky and fucks it up, because her crush has arrived (spoiler alert: it's Brooks from Des's season).

Back at the Bachelor hut, Cody (AKA Cabbage Patch) is coming on way too strong with Michelle. Did Cody learn nothing from Andi's season on The Bachelorette?  He needs to take it down a notch.  Every time he talks to a girl, it's like he's at a job interview.  Shouldn't all those testosterone supplements he's taking make him act less like a female contestant on this show? 

Another romance that's on the rocks is Zack and Clare.  It's the same old story with this guy.  He's scared to fully commit to Clare's vagina. He tells Clare that he's "trying to figure out if a relationship for us is the right thing to do." Clare is totally not having it and says she's going to sleep.   She starts to cry and runs off into the jungle.  Oh no!  Raccoon, where are you??  Clare needs you!!!

"I'm coming Clare Bear!" screams the Raccoon.  "Tell me all your problems.  Let it out.  I'm here for you."

Clare continues to cry and says things like how she doesn't deserve this, she made a fool of herself on TV again, she wishes she was a raccoon so she and her new friend could start a new life together, how could a guy with no neck do this to her, why don't more people understand that the representations of females on True Detective were really problematic, what is going to happen with Russia and the Ukraine, etc etc etc.

The raccoon tells Clare: Girl, you need to get it together and pack up your shit and go home. Zack does not deserve you.  TRUST YOUR GUT.

And Clare agrees.  She wakes up Zack and tells him she ignored the red flags with Juan Pablo and this time she needs to trust her gut and leave. Zack starts some rambling speech about how he wanted their time together to be magical and Clare is like "I've got room service and hotel porn waiting for me, please stop wasting my time."

In all seriousness, I LOVE Clare. She is a feminist icon.  She's our generation's Gloria Steinem. She doesn't put up with any bullshit.  I loved the way she dealt with Ashlee's slut-shaming on Monday night and I love that she's leaving the show instead of getting dicked around by Zack.  Ain't nobody got time for that when you're thirty-three and your best friend is a furry animal that just had a star turn in Guardians of the Galaxy.  The best part of Clare's departure is when through her tears she says: This is why I just wanted to do do Dancing with the Stars.

With that, I say to ABC: PLEEEEEEEEASSSSSE add Clare to the cast.  She and Derek Hough are meant to be!!

With Clare gone, it's time to add a little more estrogen to the island and we get that in the form of naked Lucy.  Or as I like to call her: hot Lena Dunham.  And by that I mean, she's naked ALL the time.  Although everyone keeps referring to her as topless, so is the black censor bar covering her bottom regions just fucking with us?  She decides to ask Jesse Kovacks out on a date, which is a little surprising because I feel like she needs someone a little more granola.  Like... a man made out of granola. Anyway, they go to the ruins together-- making this the tenth time we've seen the ruins this season.  After walking around and discussing their fashion choices, they go to a bar and start drinking.  I  have to give Lucy a little credit.  At least she has a distinguishable personality compared to some of the other women on the show.  And she and Jesse surprisingly have "we're both really hot" chemistry.

Michelle and Cody finally get a date and Cody is still scaring Michelle a bit because he's too "all in." Females are complicated creatures.  If you're not all in, like Zack-- we will run into the jungle and cry and talk to furry creatures, but if you ARE all in like Cody, we will think you are a total creepy weirdo.  Poor Cody (or as I like to refer to him-- poor Cabbage Patch!)  To make matters worse, their date involves an engagement photo shoot on the beach followed by pictures of them in wedding attire.  Michelle Dollar Signs is freaking out in her hotel room-- staring at this wedding dress-- talking about how she CAN'T do this. How is she opening up like this without the presence of a raccoon?!  Mind you, this is the same woman who broke down in tears on Monday's episode when she was allowed one more chance to find love in Paradise.  But I kind of get where Michelle's coming from.  After all, twenty-four hours ago, Cabbage Patch was all about Clare.  Which makes me realize the true tragedy of this season is that casting fucked up and didn't have Elise and Cabbage Patch in Paradise at the same time.  Can you guys just imagine the conversations these two would have together?!?!

The most amazing part of Michelle and Cody's date is that the photographs are super duper shitty.  I mean, production could have really saved money and just asked them to take selfies with their iPhones.

In other paradise news, Marcus tells Lacey "I love you".  It's so great to see that he's fallen in love with someone again, considering he told Blandi that he loved her I'm guessing about two weeks ago.  But I'm happy for these two, mostly because I think they will have cross-eyed babies with penis faces.  Did anyone notice if Lacey said "i love you" back to Marcus?  Poor Lacey. I think she doesn't realize that there's no money involved this season and she's pretending to love Marcus in hopes of winning $100K. She's obviously in serious financial trouble if she's not taking the tags off her clothing.

Meanwhile, Lucy and Jesse return from their date creating a ripple effect of  jealousy among all the women. And by all the women, I mean Christy and Jackie.  I'm not even sure Jesse remembers that he went out on a date with Jackie.  He just got back from a date with Lucy and he keeps referring to  her as "What's her nuts" sooooo who knows.  I'll cut him a little slack. Maybe he just has face blindness.  Christy is all kinds of sad, because Jesse is her only chance at getting a rose.  So naturally, she gets drunk and passes out in a bed and Jesse sneaks in and they start going at it.  But then Lucy pops in and they have a threesome.

I wonder what the rules are once contestants start having sex.  Do the cameras have to get turned off?  Is there all this lost footage of people boning in paradise?  If so, I'm going to quit my current job, apply to AFI's editing program, and become an editor on Bachelor in Paradise season three.

At the end of the episode, the men hand out roses.  Marcus pulls an Elise and gives some long ass speech to Lacey about how much he loves her and how glad he is that they were both in paradise together.  Poor Chris Harrison.  He probably has Clare waiting for him in some hotel room and he has to sit through this shit?
Graham gives Ashlee a rose and I really don't understand these two.  Oh crap, I totally forgot they went out on a date in this episode and raced cars-- too many dates in Paradise and not enough drama if you ask me. I have to say, I've lost a shit ton of respect for Insta-Graham.  He's looking like a fool being into the crazy girl! Every day he stays with Ashlee is another day he gets closer to having his penis cut off.

Jesse Kovacks is in a real dilemma about who to give his rose to-- but I think the choice is clear.  Which lady used less teeth during the threesome?  The winner is Christy!  I'm kind of happy for her, but kind of sad for me because I have to keep looking at her gross tan lines, bad weave, and horrible boob job.  Other than that she's pretty.  With Clare gone, Zack finally has a chance to pursue a romance with Jackie, so he gives her a rose.  Robert and Sarah remain the most adorable item in Bachelor franchise history, and Michelle sticks with Cody because they are pretty much married now.  And because she's determined to fix his hair.

Next week is going to get all kinds of complicated when Robert and Sarah's romance gets disrupted by the presence of Brooks (also known as the guy who bailed on Des).  Sarah, don't be stupid. One hot guy likes you and now you're going to get all cocky and greedy?  Next thing you know she's going to want another arm.  I hate how reality TV changes people.

No comments:

Post a Comment