Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Bachelor In Paradise: episodes 1 & 2

Note: After watching the first episode of Bachelor in Paradise, I kept checking THE BLOW OFF for Saaara's recap. It did not come. So I frantically emailed her. Here's the thing: Sara has a husband, a website to run, an adorable pug, etc. I have none of those things. So I offered to try and fill her big shoes and recap the first two episodes because YOPO (you're only in paradise once).  We'll be alternation recaps from here on out.  Here I gooo.

This show is genius. You take a bunch of beautiful and insane Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects, put them on an island to "find love" and ya just know there's gonna be tons of drama. So let's meet our players:

Clare: Best known for having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean and telling him off at the finale. Will she have sex in the ocean of love that is paradise? Time will tell.

Sarah: She has one arm, but she doesn't let that stop her from doing anything. Especially not from having the most amazing wardrobe. Girl can wear a Marc Jacobs one piece bathing suit like nobody's business. I really hope one armed Sarah finally finds love.

Daniella: I honestly don't remember much about her. She's blonde.

Lacy: I used to think not getting a rose at the first rose ceremony was a fate worse than death. Like how do you ever recover from the shame of that? Lacy has proven that even if you are rejected at first sight, you can find love in paradise. Multiple times. In less than a week.

Michelle K: She was the super crazy girl from Jake's season. It took me a few minutes to place her, but as soon as she opened her mouth I was like oh yes, that's the crazy girl from Jake's season.

Elise: I don't remember much about her either. She's also blonde. I highly enjoyed watching her try to walk down the stairs in platforms while Chris Harrison stood off to the side watching.

AshLee: She was on Sean's season and often referred to him as "this man." She came to paradise for one reason and one reason only: to snag Graham. We know this because she makes that clear to everyone (including Graham) on day 1.

Graham: Graham is 35 which makes him OLD in Bachelor world. But it doesn't matter because he's just hot. And southern. And did I mention hot? Even his name Graham Bunn evokes yumminess (graham crackers and cinnabunns. Mmm boy!)

Saaara refers to him as "penis face." I totally see it. I don't really get him, I think he's a pretty generic looking dud. However, many of the girls (especially Lacy) would beg to differ. He's still in love with Andi, but I have a feeling he's gonna get over her pretty quickly.

He's a smokin' hot African-American who likes cookies. That's all I got.

He's a father and was the "villain" of Desiree's season. I kinda think of him as Bentley part 2.

I don't remember him at all and I'm not sure how that's possible because he is HOTT. Robert, if things don't work out in paradise...I'm available. #Justsayin

He doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom.

So basically people get date cards and choose someone to go on a date with. Each week the guys and girls alternate handing out the roses. Of course there is an uneven number of guys and girls so one or two unlucky souls will be going home brokenhearted. To further complicate matters, each week more rejects arrive to stir the pot.

Immediately Dylan and Elise pair off. AshLee makes her claim on Graham. Robert and Marcus vie for Lacy's affection.

Clare gets the first date card. She asks Graham and let's just say AshLee is not pleased. So after having an intense and heartfelt convo with a raccoon, Clare goes for sainthood and uninvites Graham. I think she was really afraid AshLee would murder her in her sleep, which I must say was a valid concern.

*Note: Clare was most likely talking to an actual person and brilliant editing made it look like she was talking to a raccoon, but I would like to believe this really happened.

Clare goes on a date with Robert. They climb a big rock. There's zero chemistry and it's super boring.

Marcus goes on a date with Sarah. They jump off a big rock (don't worry, one armed Sarah can swim). There's zero chemistry and it's super boring.

Robert goes on a date with Lacey. They have dinner. There's tons of chemistry and it seems like they might get married. But there is a sense of impending doom...

Michelle Money arrives and has all the girls shaking in their stilettos because she is like the prettiest person ever. She immediately takes Graham aside to give viewers some closure on the relationship they formed years ago on Bachelor Pad. Many people probably don't remember this even happened, but I do. I personally think Michelle and Graham are like the Brangelina of this franchise. Neither of them could do better because they are both like the most attractive people to have ever been on this show. They also actually seem like decent humans. Still, like many relationships it inexplicably didn't work out and they agree to bang other people in paradise, no hard feelings. They make this official with a secret handshake.

Michelle goes on a date with Marquel. I like them together because their names rhyme and they are both hot. They ride horses on the beach and it's romantical.

I must say the rose ceremony is actually pretty dramatic. Michelle K, who made no attempt whatsoever to form any connection and strongly implied she wasn't even single, announces she will be leaving.  More on her in episode 2. Shit's about to get cray.

Since Robert and Lacy have clearly been coupled up, it's assumed Marcus will give his rose to one armed Sarah. In what might actually be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, Marcus gives his rose to Lacy and she accepts! Poor Robert. Poor poor Robert. I will console you Robert. #Justsayin

Robert gives his rose to Clare. Graham gives his rose to AshLee (either he doesn't scare too easily or he too worried about being murdered in his sleep). Dylan gives his rose to Elise. Marquel gives his rose to Michelle. Ben the villain redeems himself by giving one armed Sarah a rose. Daniella is sent home to be forgotten once more.

If there first episode is any indication, we are in for one crazy ride. YOPO! On to episode two:

If I had to give this episode a title it would be "Tales from a Delusional Girl Named Elise." I will elaborate shortly. First, I must discuss what might be the craziest thing to ever happen on this show.

Michelle K left paradise because she didn't form a connection with any of the contestants. She formed a connection with a sound guy. They met while standing across their hotel balcony's. It's a little like Romeo and Juliet, but not. Though it does end in "tragedy (well, if you count a couple broken bones as tragedy. Those Bachelor folks tend to air on the side of dramatic).

Chris Harrison attempts to speak to Michelle, but she refuses. After all, he's "just a host." Yes, she actually said that. So in the most brilliant re-enactment I've ever seen, we learn that when another crew member knocked on Michelle's door, the sound guy freaked out about being caught and JUMPED OFF THE BALCONY.

Don't fret, he survived. However, he didn't escape totally unscathed. He broke his ankles and announced the affair wasn't worth the loss of his job/dignity. The best part of the whole thing is his name :Ryan PUTZ. Yes, you read that correctly.

We also learned that there is a resident psychiatrist and the crew seemed to feel that both Michelle K and Daniella could benefit from her services.

I hope we learn what becomes of Michelle K and Ryan Putz, but I don't expect Michelle to speak to the likes of Chris Harrison anytime soon.

Moving on the love triangle that is Lacy, Marcus and Robert. Lacy runs off with Marcus, leaves Robert in the dust and doesn't look back. She also rubs her new relationship in his face. She's a fickle one that Lacy.

Elise rambles on and on about the amazing connection she's formed with Dylan.

Elise (or my version of Elise): Dylan and I grow more and more in love each second. We share the same sign and the stars are aligned for us to walk down the path of love.

Dylan: Each day I spend with Elise is one less day I get to spend banging someone else.

Dylan basically tells Elise he would be fine with her getting to know other guys. She interprets this as him being scared of their deep connection. Enter Chris Bukowski, the resident Bachelor playa.

Chris takes Clare on a date (couple massages obvi), but it's clear there is no spark. Poor Clare bear.

Elise decides that she'll show Dylan to be careful what he wished for because there are plenty of other bachelors in paradise. Now it's one thing to flirt a little to make a guy jealous. It is quite another to have a full out make out sesh with Chris B in the ocean. Of course, Elise thinks her kissing Chris is a turning point in her relationship with Dylan because it will make them realize how much they actual mean to each other. Is Elise on drugs? No, but seriously?

Can I just say that I have a huge girl crush on Michelle Money? I would like for her to give me advice, curl my hair, and let me borrow her fab bohemian chic clothes and head pieces.

Elise's plan does not work and Dylan tells her NOT to give him a rose. Elise is still hopeful. This is just a hurdle.

It seems like Clare Bear is never going to find love. Not with Robert and not with Chris. But then a beacon of hope named ZacK enters the picture. I must say Zack is kind of adorable. Clare's third date is the charm and she FINALLY gets a kiss.

Dylan gets the next date card and Elise is still convinced she will be going with him. After all, they talked for hours and hours about their first date and she has really visualized what they can be. So you can imagine Elise's shock when Dylan asks Sarah. Sarah is torn (where is that raccoon when you need to talk?) She asks if she can think about it and then goes to talk to her "best friend" Elise. I really do not understand how these two are friends because Sarah actually seems sane.

Elise decides it's actually a good thing that Dylan asked Sarah because they are best friends and he's clearly still thinking about Elise's feelings. Clearly. I almost wish I could be as delusional as Elise. Life might be so much easier/happier. If a guy flat out states that he's not in love with me, I can think of it as merely a hurdle. If he tells me he wants to see other people, it's because he's scared of his feelings. Food for thought.

Dylan and Sarah seem to have a decent date, but I think we all just know there is no hope.

Back at the house, it's time for more random drama to ensue. Marquel and Marcus just happen to come across a note in Ben's bag and take it upon themselves to read his personal letter (oh who am I kidding, I would read it too). It's discovered that Ben has a gf back home. He's in paradise for all the wrong reasons!

Michelle Money does not take this news well. Now as much as I love my girl crush, I must admit her reaction was a tad...intense. I guess when you are looking for your soulmate on national television emotions run high. Ben was taking the place of Michelle's potential future soulmate and that EES NOT OK (in the words of one Juan Pablo). And just like that, Ben is vilified once again.

Chris seems to actually truly like Elise which is just mind boggling to me. My only rationalization for this is she's blonde, has big tata's, and has shown absolutely no real interest in him. Guys always want what they can't have. Dylan tells Elise AGAIN that he would not accept a rose from her, he only sees her as a friend and tells her she should pursue her relationship with Chris. Elise is confused. She still has hope. It's not always sunny in paradise, but hope is never lost on the path to love.

Things seem to be going well between Michelle and Marquel until he voices his concern that Michelle "likes to drink." Michelle is a little put off by this since no one has ever said that about her (she never struck me as a drunken party girl). So Michelle decides to chat with hot Robert who assures her that no one thinks she's an alcoholic.

It's rose ceremony time. AshLee and Graham, Clare and Zack, Lacy and Marcus are all happy and rosey (see what I did there?). Next up: Elise. What will she do? There are no words for what happens next. I don't even know how to articulate it. But I'm going to try.

Elise gives Dylan the rose! WTF. As promised, Dylan does NOT accept. Elise doesn't let this phase her. She thanks Dylan and then proceeds to give a crazy speech that goes a little something like this: "I am a women. A woman deserves 100% and a man who is going to fight for her through sickness and in health til death do us part. " With that said, Elise offers Chris the rose. One might think Chris would be like no thanks, I am a man and I deserve 100%, not a second hand rose. But no, Chris happily accepted. After all, it is a free vacation filled with hot girls.

Michelle gives the rose to Marquel even though he accused of her being a raging drunk. Poor Robert. Poor poor Robert. Call me Robert! So now it's down to one armed Sarah. Will she choose Dylan and run the risk of hearing more insane rants from Elise? Or will she choose Robert, the sexy underdog? She chooses Robert! That Sarah is a class act if you ask me.

So what have we learned from this episode?

If you have a forbidden affair, it's probably better to get caught than to jump off the balcony. If you jump off a balcony you will most likely get caught anyway, break some bones and look like a PUTZ.

Love triangles never end well. Orgy's end much better. Kidding.

If a guy tells you he doesn't want to be with you, he is not scared of his feelings. It is not a hurdle. MOVE ON (and by move on I don't mean make sweet lovin' with the biggest Bachelor player in the ocean).

If you like a girl, don't accuse of her drinking too much. Especially as you yourself chug a glass of red wine.

Elise was right about one thing. It's not always sunny in Paradise. I personally can't wait to sea the storm clouds of drama that roll in next week.


  1. Yay, Sammi!!! Thanks for convincing me this show was worth recapping. The Clare/raccoon sequence may be the funniest thing I've ever seen. There's so much that needs to be discussed about this show. I too love Sarah and the fact that she doesn't let her disability get in the way of great fashion sense, but I worry that she's a little boring and needs more of a personality. You forgot to mention that going home on the first night is not the kiss of death when you have HUGE BOOBS like Lacey. Crazy michelle needs to bite her tongue for talking smack about Chris Harrison. HE IS NOT JUST A HOST!!!

    1. I told you this show was amazeballs. I also forgot that Chris called Dylan "Fat Damon" and said he was good will hunting and then gave a mischievous little chuckle. And when Michelle K said that about Chris Harrison, I was like oh no she didn't!