Monday, August 4, 2014

Beyonce & Jay-Z CAN'T get divorced

If I could trade lives with one person for a day, I would—without a doubt-- choose Beyonce. I would probably spend all day staring at my ass and legs in the mirror and singing “You must not know about me, you must not know about me” over and over again. I would also take lots of pictures of the front of Blue Ivy’s head. And then I would sneak out of her penthouse and have sex with my husband, because I’D LOOK LIKE BEYONCE.

My choice of Queen Bey as my Freaky Friday counterpart was reaffirmed over and over again on Saturday night when I got to see her (and Jay-Z) in concert. Two thoughts played repeatedly in my head during the show #1 Beyonce is flawless. #2 Please God, don’t let the rumors about J + B and their impending divorce be true.

I mean, they have SO much chemistry on stage and the concert ends with home video footage of them hanging out on yachts and beaming at Blue Ivy. What kind of sick people would show a montage like that night after night if they weren’t madly in love with each other?

And then the next morning, I got an email from 20 LA Wannabe (who also attended the show) that read: “please tell me you’re going to write a blow off post about how depressing it was watching Bey & Jay’s marriage crumble in front of our eyes. Could they have been more tense and cold to each other? So sad.”

WHAT? Was I just in a Queen Bey trance and didn’t notice this? Were my seats too far away to sense the strain in their marriage? I mean, there was some attitude, but I thought that was just remnants of Sasha Fierce. I immediately asked my husband, my mom, my dad, and my friend Leticia who were also at the show if they had the same read. Everyone said they didn’t notice any tension EXCEPT FOR my mom who said she totally got the same vibe and everyone knows that moms are always right, so now I’m totally freaked out.

But why would it be so upsetting if Beyonce and Jay-Z got a divorce? I’m not related to them, they’re not friends of mine, I wouldn’t have to choose sides. And yet, I think it would still rock many of us to the core. Here’s a few reasons why:

#1 It’ll fuck with the myth of the power couple. We (and by we, I mean all of us ladies) want to believe that a relationship between two equals can last. We also want to believe that a woman can upstage and outshine her husband without having to worry that he’ll find someone else to stroke his ego—among other things. Think about it. Beyonce and Jay-Z are so at the top of their game that it’s impossible to picture them with anyone else. I will not stand for Queen Bey dating someone like A-Rod or Derek Jeter (although dating a NY Yankee would be the perfect revenge).

#2 If Beyonce can get cheated on, then there’s no hope for the rest of us. She is quite possibly the sexiest woman in the world. She’s gorgeous, she’s got a ridiculous figure, she can dance like nobody’s business, and she has an amazing voice. She sings songs with lyrics like “I’m swerving on that, swerving swerving on that big body”.” If it’s true that Jay-Z is a total philanderer, then W-T-F. Suddenly, her “sexually aggressive songs about monogamy” sound like a desperate plea to hold on to her husband.

#3 Beyonce put up with that shit? If you could divide up Beyonce’s songs in three categories they would be as follows: A. songs you dance or screw to B. ballads that somehow still work in spin class C. feminist anthems that say “you disrespected me and now I’m breaking up with you and you’ll never find anyone nearly as good as me.” Soooooo…. how could the same woman that sings “to the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left” sit idly by while Jay-Z cheats? Or stand idly by in an elevator while her kid sister goes ape shit on her husband for flirting with Rachel Roy?

#4 They tricked us. They tricked us into thinking they were happy and in love and still had super hot sex after twelve years together. And we totally fell for it.

#5 We’ll never be able to listen to Bonnie & Clyde ’03 the same way again.

Even though it feels really good to get all of this off my chest, it’s all still too much for me to handle. I’m going to pretend it means nothing that Beyonce changed the lyrics in Resentment to “12 years together” and I'm going to tell myself she only sang a cover of Ex-Factor at the show, because it just happens to be her favorite Lauryn Hill song. I’m going to hope that 20 LA Wannabe was wrong or that they're just going through a rough patch or that moments before the concert started Bey was like “Jay, you never change Blue Ivy’s diapers” and Jay was like “I’ve got 99 problems, but a poopy diaper ain’t one” and that’s all that Queen Bey was pissed about all night.

1 comment:

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