Thursday, August 7, 2014

No Contact, pt. 2 & the BLOW OFF

So my first post about No Contact or NC (cutting off contact with exes who didn’t appreciate you) got such an amazing response that I thought I would elaborate, clear up some confusion, and let you know my personal experience with the NC rule.

First and foremost, the NC period (at least 30 days of absolutely no contact with the person who broke your heart) is about YOU. Having them come crawling back would be the icing on the cake for your ego, but it’s not what this time about. You’ve been through a battle my friend and you need to heal. I’ve found that it’s very hard to heal when you’re still in the line of fire.

You need to get back to the person you were before this all happened. I have a feeling you were awesome. This is a time to get your ass to the gym, reconnect with friends you neglected, try new things and figure out how to be happy again. You have to assume that your ex is not coming back and in my experience they usually only come back when you are truly over it. It’s like they have a radar or something (watch the opening of Swingers, because it describes this perfectly).

I am a firm believer in blocking or deleting your ex from social media. I just don’t think you can move on if you’re constantly checking their pages to see if they met someone else or what they are doing. And I don’t think you should live your life to post pictures and make them jealous.  Some people might argue that’s immature or might come off a little cray and to that I say…who the fudge cares?? Again, this is about YOU and your sanity.

Another concern with NC is that your ex might think that you don’t care.  I really don’t think that’s the worst thing in the world. This person dropped a hatchet on your heart; do they really deserve to know that you care about them? If your ex is a decent human, they will understand that you need some time and space away from them. If you are being forced to move on, they should at least have the courtesy to let you.

Does your ex miss you? I think it’s safe to assume that unless they are an emotionless robot they miss you and think about you sometimes. However, unless they are banging down your door with flowers and begging for another chance, the harsh truth is that they don’t miss you enough. If they change their mind, I promise you will be the first to know.

So, I’m going to be totally honest and say that while I have gone No Contact for a significant amount of time (one time I even blocked a guy from contacting me at all) I have not been perfect. After two months, my D-bag contacted me and I fell back into old patterns only to have my heart broken all over again. So…I blocked him for a while, then unblocked him…lather, rinse and repeat. It’s not easy and I get that more than anyone. Especially if you’re dealing with a selfish person who won’t really be with you, but isn’t making it easy to forget about them.

The silver lining though is no contact did give me some space and perspective. I now am certain that nothing will ever change. I see him for who he really is and not who I wanted him to be. I used to think of him as this amazing guy who would never intentionally hurt me and now the rose colored glasses have been removed. I did some soul searching during this time and realized that this particular situation (and many of my past relationships) have really stemmed from my own fear of true commitment.  I often choose guys who I know deep down won’t ever give me all of them (where’s John Legend when you need him?)  I think I became so determined to make him happy, to make him want me, to get him to open up and really be with me, that I completely lost sight of who I was and what I really wanted. Because when I really stop and think about it, I don’t even think this guy would ever really make me happy. I’m no longer sure I ever truly loved him or if in the wise words of Carrie Bradshaw, I just became so addicted to the pain of wanting someone so unattainable.

Think of no contact as a present for yourself. It’s a way to take back some control of the situation and your life. With my D-bag one of my friends said it best when she said “he was worried about him, you were worried about him, who was worried about you?” I realized it was time to freaking worry about myself. So think of this as a new beginning. With every new experience you have and new person you meet, you will start to heal. And while your ex will always be a part of your story, your happy ending is still around the corner and that’s kind of exciting. You could meet him or her tomorrow at the grocery store. And if your ex does come banging down your door with flowers, it will be up to YOU whether or not you’re going to give them the privilege of being in your life again
                  
If you want to hear more dating stories from Sammi Robbin, purchase her e-book So Many Frogs... Not Enough Prozac here.

8 comments:

  1. Sammi is being super modest. The No Contact post she wrote is the MOST POPULAR post on the BLOW OFF ever! We need to start a support group for people practicing No Contact.

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  2. I just did something terrible. I checked my ex's facebook. And he's friends with a bunch of very pretty girls. Talk about self esteem killer. I get NC but putting it into practice is just so hard. I hate that someone who matters so much to me is just gone. I've tried texting but he never responds. And it's a vicious cycle of getting angry, saying something mad, trying to make it better and then just starting all over again. Every stupid thing reminds me of him, and I keep seeing people who I think look like him and ARGHHH! I do miss the old me :( Didn't need anybody before I met him, and after I did and it didn't work, I turned into the type of chick I never wanted to be - clingy, naggy and slight facebook stalker-ish tendencies. Sounds stupid but I don't know how to move on, mentally. I can do things to keep me occupied, but he's still there in the back of my mind. Wish I really can forget about him!

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    1. It's so hard. I realllly really know. But by checking his facebook page and continuing to text him, you are only making it harder on yourself. Break up the 30 days of NC into realistic goals. If you need a few days to mourn, cry and eat ice cream go for it we are all entitled. But then it's time to get back to girl you were before you turned into the chick you never wanted to be. Take a class, go to the gym, reconnect with friends, try to make you life fun without him. Once you make it 15 days with NC get yourself a mani/pedi (or indulge in something you love). when you get to 30 by yourself a hot pair of heels. I really promise that you deserve better than a guy who hurt you and doesn't respond to your texts. The more time you spend apart, the more experiences you have without him, will all help heal you and you will be ready for something greater.

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  3. forget Facebook....I know how to see my ex's every move by tracking where he is through the "Fnd my iPhone" app. SOOOO bad I know, I need an intervention. :(

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  4. Ugh. I could use some support on this NC business. We were dating for a few months, everything was moving along very well. We made one another very happy in the time we were together. He openly said it to me, and me to him. But it was new and we were both taking our time. Well, I took him to a wedding as my date, and my (drunk) mother who was there gave him the "don't hurt my daughter" speech while I was in the restroom. Apparently it made things very serious and very real, very fast. My ex was emotionally and verbally abusive and he knows what I have been through in the past relationship, and I think he was spooked by what my mom had to say. So, after a couple weeks of these internal doubts, he broke it off with me, but he cried the whole time he did it. He has never been that emotional about anything before. He was confused and uncertain, pretty much an emotional wreck. Kept saying that he felt like he was making a mistake, and that he didnt know what to do. He clearly was struggling with his decision, but he never reversed it and I did my best to walk away with my head held high, *very* few tears and a "take care" attitude. Now to keep that going is the hard part. All that emotion he displayed surrounding the breakup has me living in a cloud of doubt. I almost wish he was steadfast and confident in his decision so that I don't have to wonder if it's him every time the phone rings. But doing my best to stick to my NC guns. Figure that if he respected me and cared for me enough, he would have had a discussion with me about his concerns rather than just breaking it off. Dating is tough, might be a little gunshy about doing this again any time soon.

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    1. Wow, anonymous! You're kind of my hero. Good for you for sticking to your guns. Totally makes sense that how emotional he was about the break up makes it that much harder to walk away. And it sucks when friends/relatives make things more serious with the "don't hurt her" speech. Give it time. And if getting more closure on the situation means breaking the NC rule and talking to him, I think that's okay too. You have to do whatever is going to make yourself feel better about a situation. Best of luck!

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  5. Yes I agree! I give you a lot of credit for handling your breakup with such dignity. If nothing else, it should be at least nice to know that the decision was a struggle for him. Walking away from you wasn't easy for him because what you shared was very real. Having said that, he did walk away. And if he changes his mind you will be the first to know. Certainly take time to heal before venturing back into the dating world. Just trust your instincts. I really believe that's what's meant to be will be so give it some time, take care of yourself, take some space and perspective and if you are meant to talk again I promise it will happen!

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  6. Sammi, thank you for your posts. They resonate deeply with me and it sounds like what I'm going through and what I would write. Through my 9 years of relationships I lost sight of who I was and NC is an opportunity to refocus on myself. I love this whole article and especially the last paragraph...it's not the end of the world and even though it seems dark right now there is hope.

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