Wednesday, August 13, 2014

the worst relationship mistake you'll ever make

There's a rare breed of female that scares men shitless.  A kind that gives the rest of us a bad name.  A kind that's probably directly to blame for those dudes who prematurely blurt to other women "I don't want a relationship" before we've even dropped the R bomb.  A kind who doesn't flinch when using words like "fairytale" or soul mate" or "connection." 

Some like to call her a stage five clinger, but I prefer the term smother-fucker.  A smother-fucker is the type of lady who decides within twenty-four hours of meeting a guy that they're destined to be together, get married, and have three babies.  All a man has to do is buy her a drink or pay her a compliment and she's already browsing wedding venues on the internet. And when she confides details of the first date to her girlfriends, she might shed a few tears over how much you already care about each other.

So how can you spot a smother-fucker before it's too late?  Well, here are a few indicators.  Did she already have her eye on you before you even met?  Like, say you have mutual friends or work at the same company, but you've never had a real conversation.  But when you do finally meet, she seems to casually lists all the things you have in common-- knowledge she could have only gained by studying your Facebook page.

Does she tend to get pissy way too soon in a relationship?  Most rational people know it's better to let things go in the early stages, but not a smother-fucker.  She's already got you pegged as her husband and she flies off the handle the moment you treat her like just someone you're dating or getting to know. 

Does she think Fundies are the best invention in history? 

Does she seem available ALL the TIME.  For a smother-fucker, there are no plans she's unwilling to break if it means getting to hang out with you.

Many smother-fuckers are smart and attractive, yet they usually lack a sense of humor.  They don't have time to be funny.  They're too busy internally panicking over the fact that they don't have a husband yet.  And because of that, smother-fuckers are their own worst enemy.  They sabotage relationships-- not because they wear their heart on their sleeve-- but because they wear it with such intensity.

Luckily, there are male smother-fuckers out there too.  These are the dudes who lay it on a little too thick right out of the gate.  They might make you a mixed CD by date two or introduce you to their friends as their "little lady" by date three.  They text you right before bed and first thing in the morning.  They write sweet nothings on your Facebook wall before you've even accepted their friend request. It's sad to think that as I type this, there are lonely male and female smother-fuckers roaming the earth when they could all be so much happier smothering the fuck out of each other.


  1. When I was 17 I casually hooked up with a guy that lived in NYC. I lived in the south mind you. I happened to go to NYC a lot- I'm talking every 6 to 8 weeks and the rest of our "relationship" consisted of nothing more than AOL Instant Messenger. One time when I was in NYC post-hook up he said 2 things that sadly scarred me for life and have impacted the way I treat men and relationships ever since.
    1) He said I was "un-girlfriendly". You'd think that someone who ended up going to UPENN could've at least used a word that exists in the English language.
    2) He told me I was smothering
    I'm not sure where this came from since it's not like I called him or anything but that stuck with me and now I keep everyone at a distance to a fault. I don't reach out usually and always keep that wall up so I'm not "smothering."

    While I agree with the majority of this post my experience leads me to believe that some people also throw that label out way too quickly and commonly when the issue can lay within themselves. Lay? Lies? Whatever. He went to UPENN, not me.

  2. how can you be too smothering when the guy only sees you every couple of months! Boys are crazy. I think sometimes acting too much like a girlfriend is also considered smothering. I was dating a guy for about a month when I lived in NY-- everything was going really well. Consistent dates, texting, etc Then his birthday rolled around and i stupidly took him out for dinner, made him a funny card, and bought an inside joke/gag gift. He totally did the backslide after that and i still kind of cringe thinking about it. I laid on the GF vibe way too thick. it was not a good look for me.