Some like to call her a stage five clinger, but I prefer the term smother-fucker. A smother-fucker is the type of lady who decides within twenty-four hours of meeting a guy that they're destined to be together, get married, and have three babies. All a man has to do is buy her a drink or pay her a compliment and she's already browsing wedding venues on the internet. And when she confides details of the first date to her girlfriends, she might shed a few tears over how much you already care about each other.
So how can you spot a smother-fucker before it's too late? Well, here are a few indicators. Did she already have her eye on you before you even met? Like, say you have mutual friends or work at the same company, but you've never had a real conversation. But when you do finally meet, she seems to casually lists all the things you have in common-- knowledge she could have only gained by studying your Facebook page.
Does she tend to get pissy way too soon in a relationship? Most rational people know it's better to let things go in the early stages, but not a smother-fucker. She's already got you pegged as her husband and she flies off the handle the moment you treat her like just someone you're dating or getting to know.
Does she think Fundies are the best invention in history?
Does she seem available ALL the TIME. For a smother-fucker, there are no plans she's unwilling to break if it means getting to hang out with you.
Many smother-fuckers are smart and attractive, yet they usually lack a sense of humor. They don't have time to be funny. They're too busy internally panicking over the fact that they don't have a husband yet. And because of that, smother-fuckers are their own worst enemy. They sabotage relationships-- not because they wear their heart on their sleeve-- but because they wear it with such intensity.
Luckily, there are male smother-fuckers out there too. These are the dudes who lay it on a little too thick right out of the gate. They might make you a mixed CD by date two or introduce you to their friends as their "little lady" by date three. They text you right before bed and first thing in the morning. They write sweet nothings on your Facebook wall before you've even accepted their friend request. It's sad to think that as I type this, there are lonely male and female smother-fuckers roaming the earth when they could all be so much happier smothering the fuck out of each other.