Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Bachelor In Paradise: Episode 6

Another week in Paradise, but our time is winding down. The pressure to find everlasting love (or at least someone to bang for the next week) is on.

Marcus and Lacy get the date card. They need that like a hole in the head since it's clear they are already getting married. They climbed down into a dark scary cave where Lacy learned a new word: stalagmites. Well, she didn't quite learn it because after a 5 min lesson she still referred to them as stalaglights. Ya learn something new everyday, but I have a feeling Lacy learns more than most people.

After the scare of some bats (any horror movie will show you that couples who face scary things together are bonded for life. Well, assuming they both survive), Lacy finally tells Marcus she's falling in love with him. It wasn't such a big moment because...duh.

Sarah is thinking Robert is her guy and then in walks Brooks. I'm sure during the casting process they asked everyone who they would like to meet in paradise in order to create tons of drama. At the risk of sounding crazy (aka like AshLee), Sarah came to paradise for Brooks. Robert says if Brooks ask Sarah out he will kill him. I wouldn't mind seeing a fight between Robert and Brooks, but they are lovers not fighters those two. So RIP Brooks and Sarah.

Brooks asks Jackie on the date because every guy who isn't sure who to ask, asks Jackie. Though I must say she is like the prettiest person and should get more credit. Brooks is just hot. And he speaks Spanish. He's also very witty. Full on Brooks crush developing.

As I watch all these beautiful girls I really wish I could pull off wearing fun jeweled things around my head. But I can't. I just look silly. I may never find love and I may never wear a jeweled head piece in public. But this really isn't about me.

I usually really like/root for Sarah, but I was slightly annoyed with her this week.  It's like you have this great, hot man who is so into you, leaving cute notes on your bed and you're gonna break up with him to go on a date with Brooks? I mean clearly I get the Brooks thing, and I also get not wanting to wonder about someone. But guys like Robert are a dime a dozen. If you find one hold on tight. I've held on tight to douchebag after douchebag and just once I'd like to hold on to a good one.

I think we can all learn from Michelle Money. Usually a guy like Cody would totally freak me out and I'd be running for the hills. I mean saying I love you after a week...it's a bit much. But Michelle realizes that he's sweet. And genuine. And adores her. And she's stuck on an island with no other options. But I think the moral of the story is to give nice guys a chance even if they come on way too strong because you might just find happiness. Though I do think Cody and AshLee could have been a perfect couple. They'd be married with children and a Labrador by now for sure.

Tasos (or Taco as Jesse affectionately likes to call him) arrives and instantly grabs Michelle for a chat. Michelle suggests he asks Christy and thank heavens for that because there was fear if he asked Michelle, Cody would eat him.

Christy and Taco Tasos tube with turtles. Look at me alliterating.

Tasos tells Christy that he wants to kiss her, but he wants it to happen naturally and not make it uncomfortable. Note to people: a convo like that makes things unnatural and uncomfortable. It was kinda sweet though. I'm all about sweet guys these days, because I need hope they still exist.

I was starting to wonder about Ashlee's whereabouts because she'd been MIA pretty much the entire episode? Is she up Graham's ass? Like literally? Just when I think we have escaped Ashlee free drama (or Graham finally lost it and locked her in a cave) she cries because Graham didn't get the date card. Graham is really deserving of one, he should see his name on a date card and he really is the best catch (a nice thing to say to the other girls BTW). It's important to note that Graham doesn't really seem to care at all. I will say AshLee can also rock a head thing.

AshLee  randomly toasts to Michelle being so amazing to her. Um what? Oh yes. Michelle and Graham are besties and she needs Michelle to like her. Michelle's not falling for it though because she's so smart and she looks better in head pieces.

Zack gets to see his name on a date card and the chance to reclaim Jackie from Brooks. They also swim in a dark scary cave.

I've always loved Jesse. I like the bad boys. But he is not in Paradise to find love. He is there to drink, hook up with as many girls as possible and then talk about it. And he's all "I'm not here to find a relationship with another dumb blonde. I'm here to find relations with lots of dumb blondes. And brunettes. Maybe a redhead."  Christy is kind of dumb though. And in my head I started singing the song "Another Dumb Blonde" by Hoku. Do you remember that song? It was an underrated 90's gem. If you  remember it and you love it then you are most def my friend.

Christy is especially dumb because she lets Jesse beat her to the punch of breaking things off. He knows he has no chance of getting a rose so he turns it around, blames Christy for everything and leaves paradise. I can relate to dear Christy. I've been trying to find the strength to end a horrible situation for a very long time and then he went and did it. Seriously? That takes some nerve, even  though I really know it's for the best. In the wise words of my eyebrow waxer, sometimes the universe does things for you that you can't do for yourself. Though I'm pretty sure Christy was truly going to dump Jesse which makes her a smarter woman than I have been. Somehow this blog has become somewhat about me, but Bachelor in Paradise just brings out strong emotions.

Lacey wears a lot of bright colors. Just an observation.

Brooks is so cute and funny. Have I mentioned that? How did I not remember how funny he was? I guess it wasn't so funny when he was breaking Desiree's heart, but his smile lights up my heart. And my vajayjay. When I hung up the phone with my mom, even she told me I should date him. OK Mom, if you insist.

The girl power that is Lacey, Michelle and Christy tells Jesse off. It doesn't phase him at all, but I'm glad Mama Michelle convinced Christy to make his departure from Paradise slightly less paradise-y. But Jesse knows he will still get tons of ass and invited to parties so he is not worried. And as we know, I totally followed him on Twitter immediately. My attraction to assholes is really my tragic flaw.

And in the final rose, Jackie chooses Zack which means I can still date Brooks. Just kidding. But not really. I do wonder what would have happened if Brooks had come sooner...but there's always Bachelor in Paradise 2 which I assume will happen. And then they will have to stop saying YOPO.

Chris Harrison makes the shocking announcement that there will be no more date cards, no more rose ceremonies and no more new arrivals. Everything is about to change. It looks like there will be lots tears on the finale. I happen to know which couples survive because I read the spoilers. I am that girl who reads the back page of the book first. For those that don't know...there are def some surprises.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must tweet Brooks.

1 comment:

  1. I really hope next week's finale is great, because I have found this whole season so disappointing. They really fooled us with the promo! I mean, they make it look like someone gets handcuffed/arrested and that never happened. And I don't get how Graham hasn't told Ashlee she's bat shit. This show needed some stakes-- I wish they were competing for money. Maybe that's the twist next week? Brooks should have been there since the beginning, but I'm glad Sarah is sticking with Robert. It was so hot when he told Brooks he'd kill him if he asked Sarah out. Also, Cody doing squats with that rock was amazing.