Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: Season Finale!

Let me preface this by saying that Bachelor in Paradise will go down in history as the lamest most boring reality TV show of all time.  Where did ABC go wrong?  Mexico + a bunch of desperate ousted contestants + lots and lots of alcohol + Chris Harrison in beach wear and they still couldn't make this shit interesting? The first couple of episodes had so much potential, but after watching the finale, I think it's safe to say that a RACCOON stole all the thunder.  This shit is such a snooze when there's only love and no money at stake.

Anyway, Chris Harrison (lookin' good, bae) shows up at the house to tell the couples the big new twist in the show.  Get this: they have to decide whether or not they see a future for themselves outside of paradise. If they don't, then they need to break up and pack their bags.

SOOOO... basically he's asking them to decide whether they want to hang out on the beach longer or whether they'd like to go back to a hotel room with pay-per-view porn and room service. Um, sayonara paradise.  I don't understand what the stakes are here at all.  It's not like the show is going to force people to actually date each other once production wraps. 

Everyone pretends they're all kinds of stressed out except for cray cray Ashlee.  She keeps saying that she wants to love on Graham and service him.  That just means she wants to give him a BJ right?  I will not accept the fact that women mean something different when they use the word "service." But Michelle Money isn't having it.  Graham is the best man she's ever met in her life and although she has no interest in dating him, she doesn't want him to be with someone so fake and phoney and mentally ill.  She takes Honey Graham Cracker aside and says: You're tan enough.  Dump the psychopath and go home.  Okay, that's not exactly what she says, but you get the picture.

Maybe Graham held on all this time, because he was convinced there might be some cash prize at the end of the show for the guy who dates the craziest girl?  He takes Trashlee aside and tells her that he's not feeling it and wants to go home.  She starts to cry and Graham makes a mental note to change all the locks in his house and have the stove removed from his kitchen so that none of his pets will be boiled to death.  I feel for Ashlee, I really do.  How does a girl who actually looks good in a hippie headband and a sleeveless, razorback, denim jacket not know how to be a normal person around men?  It's a sad state of affairs. At least she'll always be able to follow Graham on Instagram.  Oh, she won't. Because apparently he deleted his account.

After an emotional parting of the ways between Graham and Trashlee, we get two other quickie break ups.  Tasos and Christy decide to call it quits, which surprises no one considering they've only spent one hour together and don't know each other's last names.  There are no hard feelings there.  Jackie also breaks things off with Zack, because he has no neck.  He would have liked to get to know her better (i.e. maybe a little 69 action?) but he doesn't really put up a fight and they all peace out.

Michelle Money is totally confused and isn't sure what to do.  She really likes Cody, but she still feels like he's a couple steps ahead of her and she's not sure if she wants her second child to grow out of a head of cabbage.  So, she does what all bad mothers in her situation would do.  She calls her tween daughter to get her advice about "a cute boy."  First, Michelle's daughter is like "you don't have to decide right now, take your time" and Michelle is like "bitch, yeah I gotta decide right now."  Surprisingly, her daughter is super smart and tells her that she needs to figure out if she and Cody have enough in common.  I pause the show at this moment to call my mom and thank her for never going on a dating reality TV show while I was a small child and calling me for love advice.

In the end, Michelle decides to stay with Cody.  That leaves three couples total include Sarah/Robert and Lacey/Marcus.  They will all get awarded with overnight dates.

I'm pretty sure Lacey and Marcus will for sure end up together until I see what Lacey looks like before the date.  WTF happened?  She seriously looks like she's channeling Mimi from The Drew Carey show.  I mean, was Michelle Money too busy to do her hair?  This could end badly for Lacey. 
this picture does not do her insane eye shadow justice.
On Sarah and Robert's overnight date, they make out in a hot tub and she says that she hopes he "goes there" and "digs deep".  It's actually kind of refreshing that everyone is acknowledging that the fantasy suite is all about boning.  Even Michelle Money contemplates whether Cody Co's cock will be as muscular as the rest of him.  

On the morning after, everyone returns back to camp with their vaginas a little looser and their balls a little less blue.  Okay, that's not entirely true.  Sarah and Robert did not bump uglies.  Lacey says she and Marcus showed each other what love was about.  This is mean but I'm guessing all the lights were off or he suggested they do reverse cowgirl cause THAT MAKE UP.

I've kind of shocked to hear such blatant post-fantasy suite sex talk.  It kind of makes me miss the subtle double entendre of yester-year. But not in paradise.  Marcus has a hickey on his neck. Michelle Money says she's "sore and satisfied." She and Cody-Co had sex for hours in every corner of the fantasy suite. 

This is just salt in the wound for Sarah, who did not get any hot action in her fantasy suite.  Which proves that the old adage "you're only in Sarah-dise once" is not true, because Robert wasn't in Sarah-dise at all.  After Sarah went to brush her teeth, she came out to find him asleep in bed with all the lights off and the candles blown out.  Wait, it gets worse.  He was still wearing his JEANS.  Sarah tried to unbutton them, but he moved her hand away and they went to sleep.  OH HELL NO.

This is totally unacceptable.  I mean, this is the same guy who told Brooks he'd kill him if he asked Sarah on a date and he's not even going to try to make out with her??  Robert's really confused and upset when Sarah dumps him.  As he's leaving, he says he's not sure what happened.  He thought they had a great night together and he really wanted to take things slow.  Sarah-dise is equally upset, because she's worried she let one off night screw things up between them.

For a second I think, holy crap-- are we all sluts?  Is it okay for a guy to not want to hump in the fantasy suite like some bad reality TV cliche and then I think: HE SLEPT IN HIS JEANS.  Sarah literally says "I don't even know if Robert has a penis."  Yikes.  I think Sarah did the right thing by breaking things off with him.  Girlfriend needs to get laid.  And if he wanted to take things slow, then he would have just told her that.  Robert sucks.  He totally cock blocked Sarah and Brooks when he doesn't even have a cock.  That's diabolical if you ask me.

With only two couples left-- Marcus/Lacey & Cody/Michelle-- and with more than twenty minutes of airtime left to fill, the show decides to bring back some of our (least) favorite cast members to give advice to the new couples.  That includes Des(perate) & Chris, Sean & Catherine Lowe (As in "Lowe point in their careers." get it? get it?), Molly & Jason (who probs just needed a free vacay from their children.)

I'll be honest, I totally wasn't paying attention during this segment.  Why do I need to listen to people who fell in love in a ridiculous way give advice to people who've fallen in love in a ridiculous way?  It's all a bunch of horseshit.  I would much rather have the raccoon show up to drop some mad knowledge on these new romances.  That said, I was glad to see that Cody and Michelle's love was illustrated by the fact that he can bench press her.

Side note, I don't know why but Sean and Catherine really rub me the wrong way.  I even got into a Twitter argument about them with a woman named Barbie Gem.  I just feel like they'll find any excuse to get on TV even though Sean Lowe has been making fun of this show on Twitter all season.  Also, I don't trust any female that gets boudoir photos taken before her wedding.

The strangest part of the cameos from the former couples is that they sit in these throne-like chairs to watch the remaining couples give each other roses. Sigh.  If only this was an episode of Game of Thrones, then one of them would die from drinking poisoned wine.  Seriously though, that's how the show ends?  With a rose ceremony that means NOTHING? Cody-Co and Michelle make long speeches to each other, but when it's Marcus's turn to give Lacey the rose, he wants to talk to her alone.  I give him a little bit of credit for realizing this whole "former contestants watching us" is super creepy and weird, but then something crazy happens.  Marcus walks Lacey to the beach and PROPOSES MARRIAGE.  Um, yeah.  They get engaged.  Lest you forget, about two weeks ago, Blandi Dorfman was meeting his family and he was telling her that he loved her (after stripping).  This is the most ridiculous proposal I've ever seen, especially considering Lacey's botched make up and wardrobe choices and the fact that she once said she was "80/40" about something.  Then all the ex-bachelor people show up to applaud them and they all hug.  THE END.

We get a little update on the rest of the contestants and are told that Cody and Michelle are still together and in love.  The same goes for Marcus & Lacey which is not really a big deal, because I think this show finished taping in like June. I had a three month long relationship in sixth grade guys.  This information means nothing to me. 

I think it's safe to say that other than Chris Harrison in a beige suit, this show was a total bust.  But look on the bright side guys, we've got the hottest farmer in America to look forward to!  Woot-Woot!   Although, I will admit every time the promos call Farmer Chris that, my heart breaks a little for Old McDonald.  I mean, he's had a farm for WAY longer and no one's ever called him hot.  Not cool, America.  Not cool.


  1. "It's, like, literally someone is, like, holding a gun to my head and making me choose." - Michelle Money. Umm, no it's not, Michelle. It's literally NOT. Because that is terrifying and ABC can't do that.

  2. Haha I totally enjoyed it although once Elise and Clare left things definitely went way downhill. I can't believe there is no reunion. I hope Clare adopted the raccoon as her pet. Or therapist. I hope Elise is still searching for rainbows. And I hope Graham would let a flat chested brunette (meee) mend his broken heart.