Monday, September 8, 2014

why he's not texting you back

Recently we've been getting an influx of emails from our loyal readers asking for advice about their current dating situations.  We even got emails from a sixteen year old and a thirteen year old!  In all the messages- there's a common thread: everything was going so well and then he stopped texting and calling me.  Here are some excerpts from a few of the emails.

"Eventually he had said he wants 2 weeks, of absolutely no contact, which I'm finding very very hard as i texted him twice in the space of 2 days as its only been 2 days. he responds but tells me he wants to enjoy his life now and see if he can be happy by himself before he can make anyone else happy."

"It's been a week now and I see him on Facebook all the time and he occasionally likes my posts. But I still haven't talked to him. I feel that some of what he posts are directed to me in a funny way and it seems like he is posting his schedule on there for me to see."

"Now there is no communication at all. And eventually even I have decided to respect his space..his decision.  He stopped talking all of sudden. Without even giving me a reason, why?"

"He finally won me over and then disappeared. Has this ever happened to anyone else!?"

Ugh, I've said it before and I'll say it again-- this is absolutely the worst form of emotional terrorism.  It's always so much harder to have someone disappear when everything seems to be headed in the right direction.  So: WHAT THE FUCK?  Why do guys do this?  

The easier answer and the hardest one to hear is that they're interested in someone else.  I know it seems abrupt, but sadly, it's super easy for dudes to meet other women.  Even though I'm a big believer that women should pursue men they're interested in-- it's still mostly guys that do the pursuing in Dating Land.  And with the advent of apps like Tinder, they don't even need the balls to walk up to someone in person. All it takes is a swipe of the screen to reject someone and find someone better.

And that's why dudes also like to keep their options open.  I wish us ladies did the same.  Guys don't like to definitively tell you that the relationship is over just in case things don't work out with the new person they've started dating.  When they say things like "I just need my space" or "I'm not ready to be serious with someone RIGHT NOW", they're buying themselves time to make up their mind and wasting your time in the process.

Also, they're NOT too busy.  According to the dating bible He's Just Not That Into You which was written so long ago, it actually has an answering machine on the cover and says things like "with the advent of speed dialing"-- guys are never too busy to call: "We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like.  It makes us happy.  And we like to be happy... If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day.  Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you."  (Replace "call" with "text" and it has the same effect.

Finally, they do like you-- just not enough.  It's the dreaded "middle" territory.  They're not into you enough to pursue a serious relationship, but they also consider you to be too good to just fuck around with. 

But let's focus on the silver lining.  We used to live in a time when there were no smartphones, no text messaging, no Facebook, and no emails.  There was even a time when there were no answering machines.  What did women do back then when they were waiting for a guy to call them?  They seriously had to do nothing but sit at home. Talk about a waste of time.  At least we live in the 21st century and can live entire lives while we constantly check our phones.  Yay us!

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