Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Major Fail: Dating a Republican

This post is on behalf of my friend-- let's call her Karen (I just watched Mean Girls, bear with me). Karen is as independent as it gets. She's a senior at a large university and she has her hand in pretty much everything including campus political organizations. Karen invited to me to one of her debates and I was originally reluctant to go. But, she persuaded me. Karen was representing the College Democrats and her opponent was from the College Republicans.

I was proud of my friend…she kicked some serious ass. But then the audience was allowed to ask questions. Some asshole from the College Republicans started yelling at her and in true Karen fashion she told him off, in front of seventy people. Following the debate, the rude republican (we will call him Mark) asked to talk to her. Apparently, Karen telling Mark off was a turn-on and Mark wanted  her email.

Naturally, I nearly peed myself when she told me this, but to each their own. I will giver her credit, he was really hot. After some internet stalking ,we discovered that Mark was a stellar athlete…and well, not present on social media…which was red flag number one. After a few weeks of emailing each other, Karen finally told Mark that if he wanted to pursue her that he should become a normal person and text her. She emailed him her phone number and washed her hands of their pre-colonial form of communication.

ONE WEEK LATER, the right wing bastard finally texted her…and do you know what he sent? “Hi.” HE SENT HI…red flag number two.

But, Karen was drunk when she received the text so she responded like an idiot. After a few exchanged texts, they met up at a bar near Karen’s apartment. I met up with the both of them at the bar but soon after I got there, I couldn’t find them. Not only was I ditched by my best friend but she was about 5 seconds away from doing something she swore she would never do…hook up with a man who doesn’t believe in women’s rights, LGBT equality, or affordable birth control. It was too late for me to save her.

Our text conversation went like this:
K: It’s going to happen. I know IT IS going to happen
Me: NOOOOOO. YOU CANT GO TO THE DARK SIDE!
K: Am I any less of a Democrat if a Republican enters me?
Me: I wish there was a middle finger emoji.

I didn’t hear from her for 24 hours after that. I knew she was alive though because she tweeted: “ I hate Republicans. #mylife” Karen and I have a standing coffee date on Sundays. She sat across from me at the local Starbucks for 5 minutes before she said anything. In all honesty, she looked as if she had seen a ghost. But then, she started laughing hysterically. I laughed along with her because people started staring and I was feeling uncomfortable.

Me: Are you not ready to talk about it?
K: Well everything was great until we were both naked on top of my bed…
Me: Why was that a bad thing?
K: He’s celibate.

I nearly died of laughter. Moral of the story: Never romantically pursue a Republican…much like their politics…they will turn you on…then speak…then turn you off.

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