Wednesday, October 8, 2014

my holiday & the BLOW OFF

In the midst of heartbreak, we sometimes do impulsive things. So after finding out that my D-bag had started seeing other people (even though he was still keeping me on the hook) I decided it might be time to be done once and for all.

In spite of all the back and forth, on and off, tears and twinkies, I could justify things in my mind because he told me he hadn't been with anyone the whole time we were seeing each other (even during our breaks). I couldn't say the same and he knew this, so that had to mean something right? Not so much. Nothing ever really meant anything where he was concerned.

I decided I needed a new experience with a different guy.

I needed to find a way to distance myself from D-bag once and for all. So I booked a trip to visit a guy from my past. He had also broken my heart, but it was such a long time ago and in retrospect, I realized that it wasn't all his fault. I could definitely share at least some of the blame. It may have seemed like I was jumping from one fire to another, but I just had a feeling he could help me get over this hurdle. After all, I was always super attracted to him and I truly cared about him once upon a time. He was someone I wondered what might have happened with in a different time and place.

I jetted off to a new city (one I'd always wanted to visit) and I was excited, but nervous at the same time. I was solely relying on a guy I hadn't seen in years and it's not like things ended on the best of notes.

Fortunately, the weekend was everything I hoped it would be. I was still super attracted to him and more importantly, I like the person he has become. I had started to doubt if I would ever feel comfortable around another guy, if I could be with someone else without thinking of my D-bag or missing him. The answer is a big fat YES and so my holiday gave me hope. Hope that I can and will move on. Hope that D-bag is not the last guy I'm ever going to love.

I never really understood what Leona Lewis meant when she sang "it's gonna hurt when it heals too." I mean, when you are feeling sad and icky, you can't wait to heal. The pang in my chest is finally gone. Sometimes I will go hours, even days without thinking of D-bag. But if I'm being honest, I still get a little sad when I think about really letting go. It should be the most liberating thing of all, and don't get me wrong, it's pretty liberating. But as crazy as it sounds, when you let go of a weight that you've been holding onto for so long, it almost becomes a part of you. And as freeing as it may be to drop that weight, it can still feel a little empty sometimes.

So am I suggesting you drunkenly book a ticket to another city after a breakup? Well, let's just say I'm not discouraging it. Sometimes impulsive decisions are the best ones. Sometimes you need to step away from a situation to gain a new perspective. Let's be honest, thinking too much can be overrated. And while I took a risk, I just knew in my gut that it was something I needed to do. One might even say this is how Sammi got her groove back.

Now I have a better ending to one chapter, and I can look back at that time in my past and smile. I can look towards the future with hope, knowing that there is life beyond D-bag. I even fell in love with a new city, one I hope to go back to soon. Sometimes you just to need a holiday from your life and if you happen to be visiting a really hot and fun guy, well, that certainly doesn't hurt.
              

4 comments:

  1. I never booked a trip to see an ex after a breakup but I do stand by flying somewhere whether it be with friends or alone for some perspective. It helps with the healing when you're distracted and you come home with a new experience to be excited about.

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  2. Oh totally, I def don't necessarily think you should go off and see a guy. It could have totally backfired, but I lucked out :) I think you just have to follow your gut, do what feels right and getting away after a breakup to see friends or take some time alone in a new place is never a bad idea

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  3. Sammi, I want to know if there's potential with this new guy or if it was just a one time trip. and i'm also kind of curious which city you got to explore!

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  4. I'd like to say we are real friends at this point, but of course there is the distance and lots of water under the bridge. I never say never though cause I have learned ya just shouldn't. And I explored Austin Texas y'all. Loved it

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