Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Post-Dumping Depression: the four stages

Congratulations, you've just dumped someone. It's not easy. It takes guts and skill and determination. In fact, I don't think people give you enough credit for it. You deserve a medal of valor. ESPECIALLY, if you broke up with your significant other in person. But things are about to get a lot more complicated. While your ex is licking their wounds, getting consoled by friends, going on and on about what an idiot/bitch you are, getting a new haircut, having wild hook ups to fill the void you've left... you're about to embark on the four stages of post-dumping depression: 

#1 Relief. You finally did it. You've been thinking about this for a long time, but you were too scared to hurt the other person. What if they cry? What if they scream? Why is it not normal to have a mediator present during break-ups? And if the two of you are living together, then forget it. You've been lying in bed next to this person every night for how long and thinking that you want to dump them?  A huge weight must be lifted off your shoulders.  You can breathe! Until....

#2 The GUILT sets in. Massive amounts of guilt. How could you hurt someone who loved you? What kind of monster moves in with someone only to dump them? If life is a box of chocolates, then you're like the pink cherry flavor everyone puts back after one bite. Basically, you're the worst. Any amount of happiness you now feel is instantly replaced by guilt. This can be especially toxic if you dumped your ex for someone else. In fact, the only way you can make yourself feel less guilty is by trying to be friends with your ex--- BUT then you realize you're only doing that to absolve your sins and you feel guilty all over again.

#3 Regret. This one's a monster and it usually creeps in after the guilt subsides and after you see pictures of your ex looking hot and happy on Facebook. "WHAT WAS I THINKING?"-- you might be asking yourself. What if I never find anyone else to love me? Suddenly, every Coldplay song is speaking to you. The worst part is, you can't even openly lick your wounds or expect your friends to cheer you up, because YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF. Some of you will end up texting your ex something vague like "hi" or "miss you" or "I'm sorry" to see if the door is still open for a reconciliation. Some of you may even get back together and skip stage #4, but for those of you who don't, eventually you'll arrive at...

#4 Acceptance. I'm totally kidding, this stage isn't called acceptance, it's called "I met someone new and I'm SO happy I did the right thing by getting rid of that loser I used to date." You're probably standing in front of the mirror right now singing along to every word of this song:
                  
You need to enjoy this time! Why? Cause you're probably gonna get dumped. What can I say, karma's a bitch.

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