Monday, November 17, 2014

the closure myth & the BLOW OFF

All girls need closure. It's in our nature. We want to wrap every relationship up in a bow so we can look back on it fondly one day. We don't want to wonder about ANYTHING. We want to be able to move on to the next chapter of our lives with a clear ending to the last the one that makes us feel somehow OK,

I'm a little like the Taylor Swift of blogging and if my blogs were an album they would be titled "Songs About D-Bag." It would be an entire album of sad, angry, and empowering ballads that encompassed the last two years of my life. The final song would be something like I'll be OK and Shake it Off and This is the part of me you can never ever take away from me. And the video would be me running around in a red lacy dress with some hot model while I tossed pictures of me and D-Bag into the Pacific Ocean.

The thing about me and D-bag is that we've had a gazillion stops and starts and I've literally had every type of closure a girl could ask for.

Ending 1: This was my fault. Per his not so final as it turned out email to me "I didn't seem like I wanted to get close and he didn't know what to make of the situation. And my constant Facebook posts about searching for my prince weren't very encouraging." 

Upon missing him like crazy, I vowed to myself that if I ever had another chance I would try to get close and there would be no Facebook status's about other guys or anything he could even remotely interpret as me thinking he was anything less than amazing. So that is what I did. I did everything in my power to make things up to him and I lost a little but of myself in the process. What about my needs? And while I was giving and sacrificing, the sweet and attentive guy I knew had been replaced by an emotionless robot.

Ending 2: This was his fault. He told me he was in a blah place with his life and didn't think he was in a position to invest anymore time into me or us. He said he wasn't worth my time.

The classic "it's not you, it's me." In retrospect, I should have just taken this and ran with it. Then I could have looked back and said, he has issues to work out, it has nothing to do with me. I could have saved soooo much time and perhaps even kept my ego somewhat in tact. Oh and it turns out he was right, he was NOT worth it.

But you see, I like to beat a dead horse. And I like great sex. And I was in love (or so I thought). So I went back for more,

Ending 3: It's totally you. Yes, this is when he dropped the "I'm not in love with you" bomb. I could have left thinking it was all him, but I had to go back and let him tell me that actually it was about me. He just wasn't in love and love is really hard to find. I will never be able to compare to the one that got away (his college girlfriend who we shall call Helen).

You would think that would have been it. That was not it. Me and D-bag had this crazy attraction. And despite the fact that he is the devil, I loved being with him so much. So this time I had to find Tinder messages on his phone and then let him tell me he started seeing someone new.

The truth is that closure is bullshit. Even when D-bag and I ended amicably, claiming we would both stay in each others lives, I still felt empty and incomplete. There is absolutely nothing he could ever say that would make me feel better about our situation and clearly I've tried it all. There will always be more questions. There will never be answers, at least not answers I really want to hear.

What I've finally learned is that closure has to be a conscious decision that we make ourselves. It comes in that incredible moment when we finally accept that we deserve more. That things happened the way they did for a reason, there is nothing we could have done differently and there is someone better for us out there. And that just because we aren't one person's "Helen" there is a guy out there who will think of us as his own personal Angelina Jolie.

My therapist recently told me that she never once heard me talk about D-bag the way I've talked about my writing. Even when things were OK with us, he didn't hold a candle to the passion I feel for my writing.

I want someone who makes me as excited as my writing does. I want someone who appreciates how fun, hot, and thoughtful I am. I want someone whose life is fantastic and who wants to make me a part of that fantastic life. All the time and tears I've wasted could have been spent writing screenplays, rescuing puppies and saving the world.

I finally have closure and it's not because of anything he ever said or did. I have closure because I realized that I want so much more and I am way too good for him.

So, I vow never to blog about D-bag again. It is the end of one chapter and he is part of my past. My next album will be filled with happy songs about a guy who adores me and buys me shoes. And that, my friends, is what they call closure.


  1. Such a good post! I agree that "closure" is a myth and in our own control. Sometimes i find myself thinking that it wasn't fair how my exes ended things because it provided no closure. But then I just ask myself "uh, Andrea, how would you have liked them to have broken up with you?" There's no good way or time to end things. And if two people were so good at communicating with each other so as to provide complete closure, there probably wouldn't be a need for a break up. Thanks for sharing your experiences!!

  2. Oh my gosh Sammi! Your dating history with D-bag sounds SO like mine! I've had similar issues with a self proclaimed d***. On again/off again relationship that I just can't seem to fully forget or walk away from even when he says he's completely done. On the up side, I think I actually exceeded the 30 day NC rule this time. I never got the term "closure" but I hope I'm getting a little closer to it :)