Monday, December 8, 2014

hook-ups, facebook, & the BLOW OFF

Dear Readers of the BLOW OFF,

I need your advice. I had a one-night stand with a guy last year. I was blowing off some steam and had no intention of seeing him again as there was an age difference (me being older). Anyway, he added me on Facebook afterwards and we started chatting. We had similar interests so I thought there was no harm in seeing where it went. It was kind of awkward though – he wouldn’t ask me out outright, instead he invited me to events he was running.  It was all very passive due to his age, I think.

Anyway, I went to one of these events eventually and we hooked up again. I started to like him at this stage and asked to see him again, but when I saw him out the following week, he blew me off. Looking at his facebook feed, he was very much a young guy playing the field. Although I was hurt by being blown off, eventually I realized that I shouldn’t take it personally--  he didn’t know me, he was just young and not wanting a relationship.

We stayed ‘friends’ on Facebook. My pride wouldn’t let me unfriend him – I wanted it to look like I didn’t care. It was very strange though – although I hid him from my feed, he would like photos and statuses of mine – not all the time, but now and again. I know we only met a handful of times but I felt a connection with him and it did take me a bit of time to get over him. He wished me a happy birthday a few months after the BLOW OFF and a few months later, he sent me a message asking for advice.

I know I should have unfriended him, as this sporadic communication was wrecking my head. I didn’t answer his last message as it took him so long to reply to my answer and I felt he wasn’t that invested in my reply. We had seen each other in person just once in all this time – passing on the street. We said hello to each other and it looked like he wanted to talk but I kept walking, because I didn’t know what to say to him.

Anyway, a few months later I wished him a Happy Birthday on FB – my only communication on his wall ever. It was never acknowledged (not liked or commented on) so I thought that was it and I left it at that. but 3 months later he starts liking my stuff again!

I know this whole episode seems silly and pointless to a lot of people and I know objectively it is. But the thing is, despite having some one night stands in my life, I do think sex is a big deal and would ideally prefer to have it in a loving relationship. Unfortunately, due to certain circumstances, sometimes one night stands are the only way to get sex.

Despite the douche-baggery of this certain individual, it does seem wrong somehow to unfriend him. I don’t want to be with him now - I deserve someone who has more respect for me. But at one time (well, twice really) he was inside me - the closest two people can get. Sure, it wasn’t as significant to him as it was to me, but maybe there was a part of him that wanted to stay in touch? If I was to unfriend him, I suppose I would just feel like the whole thing was meaningless and best to be forgotten about, when it was different from a normal one-night stand.

All I know is that if I was to blow someone off, I sure as hell wouldn’t be liking their FB statuses or actually giving a flip about their life.  So readers, I'm curious-- what's the etiquette of Facebook & hook-ups as opposed to Facebook & exes?  I haven’t come across many posts on this site about hook-ups, it’s mostly exes/longer term relationships. I mean this guy isn’t an ex, he was someone I slept with twice. 

Thanks,
T

6 comments:

  1. Best thing you can do is not take Facebook seriously. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who take Facebook seriously, and those who don't. I.E. I'm the kind of person who uses Facebook sporadically and randomly. Sometimes I comment, sometimes I like stuff, but it means absolutely nothing. Also, birthday posts on Facebook are contrived and meaningless, so I wouldn't look into it or think about it at all.

    I don't really understand, you basically sought a guy out for a random hookup, and you got what you wanted, talked to him sporadically, hooked up again, and you're saying he blew you off? This doesn't sound like a blowoff at all... you seem like the kind of person who takes Facebook seriously, so it'd be best to just delete him and be done with it. Seems like you're thinking way too much into this situation. There's nothing there.

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  2. I agree there's nothing there. As harsh as it is to hear it sounds like he's one of those guys who wants you when you cross their mind and are into it but whenever you are the one that wants something- even if it's just a hook up he's not. I disagree about unfriending him. I personally have never unfriended anyone, friends, exes, even people I've had major beef with. I just think that it puts so much power into the person's hands and shows you care so much, which since I guess you're writing this you do. I would say try to just ignore his "likes" etc but if you can't then perhaps unfriending him is your best option....

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  3. It sounds like he wants to keep his options open and stay on the radar sometimes, but clearly it's not going anywhere. As much as it sucks, its reallly hard to take something that starts off so casual and turn it into more. I say delete him. Who cares what he thinks? It's for your own personal sanity and moving on. Everytime you have any sort of facebook interaction it seems like it takes you a step back. I wouldn't worry about what he or anyone else things and take care of yourself

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  4. I agree with Sammi-- the reason he's popping up here and there is because he wants to keep his options open in case he ever wants to hook up again. And Facebook is great for guys like this, because all they have to do is click the "like" button and they'll be back on our radar. You don't have to feel foolish for having feelings for him after a brief hook up or for wondering why he's making sporadic contact. it's human (and also kind of fun) to debate and analyze these things, but you also don't want to go down the same road with this guy again. I think it was rude of him to virtually ignore you at the event he invited you to and if he's young and playing the field, it's probably an indication that he wouldn't be right for you anyway. I vote that you unfriend him immediately. The beauty of a one night stand or a hook up is that you don't have to be bombarded with what the person is doing after the fact. I don't believe in staying friends with people just to "prove" you don't care or to not give them too much power. the point is, he already has way too much power. You thought about him enough to take the time to write this post about him. And any time he pops up on your newsfeed or you have a moment of weakness and check his page, you're going to get all upset and anxious all over again. Life is way too short to do that to yourself. delete, delete, delete and take a mini-break from Facebook.

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  5. Oh yes, there was definitely a part of him that wanted to keep in touch--the part that wanted to keep the option of hooking up with you open. Sorry if that's harsh, but it sounds like you already know you deserve better. My guess is that he wouldn't even notice you unfriended him. If he actually wanted to keep in touch for more than the possibility of another hookup, he would make more effort than "likes" on Facebook. I've unfriended people and I'm sure people have unfriended me. It hasn't given them or me any more power. Agree with Sara: life is too short for this anxiety. Delete him and take a break from Facebook.

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  6. Listen, T, most women AND men are gluttons for punishment. They never listen to sound advice, preferring to subject themselves to repeated torture and go back to people who aren't good for them. Please don't be that person. You're in a better situation, because this guy is not actually toying with your emotions in an conscious, selfish, despicable way. But be clear about this, he doesn't want you. He enjoyed sex with you when it was convenient for him. Delete him now. End of story. Delete!

    I am male and a slutty one at that. I know guys. Sorry to be harsh, but he doesn't care about you and the grief is not worth it to show some symbolic strength. DELETE.

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