Monday, December 29, 2014

the bachelor: early predictions

The new season of The Bachelor starts next Monday, January 5th which means it's time to make some early predictions. I've come up with my final four by using a complicated algorithm involving the number of misspelled first names x hot pink attire in bio photo - bleached blond hair + age + references to the movie Mean Girls in bio - occupation or lack thereof = Farmer Chris's soul mate. Here are my picks:

Jade
Maybe it's that she's named after a B movie soft porn starring Linda Florentino or maybe it's just her pretty hair and ample rack, but I think Jade will make it far in this competition. She's pretty, not too young, but also not too old where all her good eggs are gone. She lists her occupation as a "cosmetics developer" which is just vague enough to make me believe she'd happily move to Iowa to become a housewife. The biggest strike Jade had against her is that she references being in debt TWICE in her bio. When asked about her favorite fictional character, she lists Jane Eyre--- either she's read the book or only seen the movie, but either way she's automatically smarter than 99% of the other contestants.
Tandra
She's an automatic frontrunner, because she has a made-up first name. It's like her mom couldn't decide between naming her Tara or Kendra so she just went with Tandra.  Hailing from Sandy, Utah, I'm guessing it wouldn't be a huge adjustment to living on a farm and playing ghosts in the graveyard every single night with Farmer Chris's family. With her blond hair and high cheekbones, she would fit in perfectly with the Soules sisters. BUT... Tandra's also thirty which in Bachelor dog years makes her 500 years old. I'm voting her most likely to have a five year old child who needs a father.
Kelsey
Okay, I'll admit-- this one is a bit of a stretch. First of all, she doesn't have long hair and she's not a total stand out, but she could be the Catherine to Chris's Sean. What she lacks in "traditional" bachelor looks, she'll have to make up for in personality. The dimples might also add to her charm. She's also a guidance counselor who lists Good Will Hunting as one of her favorite movies. SO-- when some girl is losing her shit because Farmer Chris didn't give her a rose, Kelsey can hold her tight and say "it's not your fault" over and over again. I'm gonna vote Kelsey the girl most likely to turn Chris into an emotional mess after he dumps her right after hometown dates. 
Michelle
Another Utah girl, Michelle could be the Desiree of this season. She decorates wedding cakes for a living and lists "church/religion" as one of the things she can't live without. I can't remember if Farmer Chris is a holy roller, BUT he grew up in Iowa and is a farmer SO the chances are pretty high. Michelle lists a helicopter ride in Hawaii as her ideal date and says if she could be any fictional character, she'd be "Giselle from Enchanted because she's always happy, she makes cute clothes, animals clean her house for her, and she has a good singing voice." It's a good chance that this is how she'll describe every moment she spends with Chris:
Basically, she's the ideal wife. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say she's the one to beat, if not the winner of this whole thing.

Going home the first night:
Bo
Purely because she lists plus-sized model as her occupation and if gross Ben F. can score an actual negative-sized model, then so can Farmer Chris. 

Come back next week for our recap of the season premiere! 

2 comments:

  1. If you do your research, you'll know that Jade is actually a former playboy poser.

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  2. NO! I purposely don't research or read reality steve or any of that because I want to be completely unbiased. That's amazing.

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