Tuesday, January 13, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

The second installment of The Bachelor picks up from last week with Kimberly refusing to go down without a fight. She will NOT be one of those pathetic girls with snot dripping down her face in the back of a limo as she cries that "she deserves to be loved and find love and make love and have babies." Instead, she decides to march back into that house and do what any self-respecting female would do in her situation: BEG. She literally begs Farmer Chris to give her a second chance, because they never had the opportunity to speak and though she can't explain it, she feels like she was meant to be here.

Clearly, she just read Lean In before she came on this show, but somehow I don't think this is what Sheryl Sandberg had in mind when she advised women to ask for what they want. 

Prince Farming doesn't know what to do. He's been up all night smiling at drunk bitches. He wants to go back to his place, take off his suit, jerk off, and fall asleep with his boxer briefs around his ankles, and Kimberly is preventing him from getting to do that. So, he takes the path of least resistance and allows her to stay for another week. The other girls are obviously pissed, but since we all know that desperation is the biggest turn off for every man, I don't think she'll be sticking around very long.

The next day, Chris Harrison arrives at Grey Gardens and tells the ladies that Farmer Chris is living down the driveway. In other words, ABC had to make some budget cuts and forgo the fancy house the bachelor used to live in. Chris's "house" is more like a big studio apartment that's so ghetto he doesn't even have a shower inside. He's basically homeless. Harrison reminds the girls that there are NO rules. Translation: Please break into Chris's house in the middle of the night and straddle him, so that we can air some questionable fuzzy black and white footage of what may have gone down.

The group date card arrives and six lucky girls get chosen to be completely objectified and humiliated on national television. The girls include: MacKenzie (AKA teen mom), Tandra (AKA not a real name), Jade (AKA porn name), Kimberly (AKA desperate old lady), Tara (AKA drunk redneck girl), and Ashley (AKA crusty eyelashes). The girls arrive at... wait for it... a rooftop for a pool party. Chris arrives to meet them wearing a hoodie with no shirt on underneath.

Men, if what you're going for is a date rapist vibe-- then, by all means, go topless under that hoodie.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Jillian and some girl who I seriously cannot remember decide to break into Chris's cardboard box and snoop. Hmmm. Ladies, what the fuck are you doing? You have to wait until you've been dating someone at least three months before you go through all their things. Anyway, none of that matters, because Jillian (AKA Steroids) has black censor bars over the back and front of her bikini bottoms. At first, I'm convinced it's because the show doesn't want us to see her testicles peeking out, but later we discover that Jillian has an abnormally hairy ass. More on that later. The other girl puts on Farmer Chris's motorcycle helmet and and proceeds to bump her head against everything in his room. Clearly, she needs to leave the show, because her soul mate is Phillip the Hyper Hypo:

Back on the group date, the pool party comes to an end and the girls are ushered (in their bikinis, because there's simply no time to get dressed?) to a closed off street in downtown LA. Oh hell no. My gym is in downtown. If I was stuck in traffic, because of this show I will hunt down Chris Harrison's house, break into his walk-in-closet, and pee all over his perfectly folded button down shirts. Speaking of Harrison, not sure why he wasn't there to call this the most demeaning date in bachelor history, but it was. The girls have to race each other on tractors... while still wearing their bikinis. I really hope that the medicine cabinet at Grey Gardens is stocked with Monistat 7, because that one-day stuff is not going to treat the gnarly yeast infections these girls are totally going to get.

For some ridiculous reason, the tractors move realllly slow and Trashly Ashley wins the race. So, she gets some alone time with Farmer Chris, but it's Teen Mom (Mackenzie) who gets the group date rose, and thus, gets a one on one date with Chris.

Back at the house, things get really somber when Juelia (yes, that's how she spells it) confesses to the girls that her baby-daddy committed suicide not long after they had a child together. Listen, this is really sad, but I'm still going to make jokes about it because FREEDOM OF SPEECH. My first thought is that Kelsey (the girl whose husband's heart just stopped) is bummed that she's not the only one with a tragic sob story and that she may have some serious competition to be the next bachelorette. My second thought is that I feel really sad for Jeulia's daughter Ireland (or Eyerlande?) because her dad killed himself and her mom took off to be on The Bachelor. She is the true victim in all of this. But seriously, my heart did break for Juelia and just to prove it, I'm going to suggest three other ways she could spell her name.

#1 Jew-Leah
#2 Jewelia
#3 JLA

Farmer Boring's first date with Teen Mom doesn't go exactly as planned. For starters, she asks him if he believes in aliens. To be fair, maybe she's just trying to figure out if he's an insane person or a conspiracy theorist. Maybe she just caught reruns of ALF on Nick at Nite and she wants to make sure he's also a fan. Maybe her baby daddy is an alien. Who knows. Then, she also tells Chris that she loves guys with big noses, because that means they have giant cocks. Okay, that's not exactly what she says, but she's like "prominent noses are important on men." MacKenzie is basically having a conversation with Chris that you have with your best girlfriend after three glasses of wine, but after much consideration-- I decide she needs to leave the show, because her soul mate is really:
The date goes from bad to worse when Teen Mom decides to tell Chris that she got knocked up and has a one year old at home that she didn't have any qualms about leaving. She's so proud of herself for having worked up until she gave birth to him. Um, yeah-- like every other working pregnant person out there. You do not get extra points for things you do when he's in your womb, you get points for things you do when he's outside of your womb and going on The Bachelor is like negative 10,000 points.

Anyway, Chris could not be less interested in Kale (her son, and probably the leafy green too). You can tell he's super disappointed that she has a kid and that he has to pretend to care. My favorite tweet on this topic:

Anyway, I'm getting major pedophilia vibes with this relationship. Teen Mom is only twenty-one and Farmer is thirty-three. The rule is half your age + seven years, so Chris should not be dating anyone younger than 23 1/2. Yeah, I can do math.

Back at the house, Megan (who I seriously haven't seen until now--- does anyone remember her limo arrival?!) gets the first one on one date. Except she thinks the date card is a love note. WTF. Where is Chris Harrison when you need someone to explain the rules to these girls?

Later, Teen Mom tells the girls that Chris kissed her like six times on their date. Did we see any of this? Is ABC afraid he'll be arrested for statutory rape if they show us any of this footage? It's very possible.

Megan and Chris start their date off by going to the airport and taking a private plane somewhere that I don't remember. She gets extra points for spelling her name right, BUT I find her completely unremarkable. Yes, she has pretty hair. Yes, she has big boobs. Yes, she has a dead dad, but what else does this girl have to offer? She doesn't seem to have much of a personality. After taking a helicopter ride to the grand canyon, she tells him that days before her Bachelor interview, her dad collapsed and died. I don't know the timeline of how these things work, but I'm guessing it's been a month or two and she's telling the story with about as much emotion as someone recounting what they bought at the grocery store. And Farmer Has No Soul does a terrible job of consoling her. He just kind of smiles and says "I'm so lucky you're here." And then Megan says she's never felt about any guy the way she feels about Chris. Is this bitch insane? Was her last boyfriend a homicidal maniac? This is all it takes to get a woman to like you? Men have it SO easy.

Needless to say, she gets a rose. But since they are literally more boring than a dead couple, the genius editors of the show decided to cut out the nighttime portion of their date and we go straight to our next group date.

The date card read "Til Death Do Us Part." Shout out to @RussellHFilm on his perfect tweet on this topic:

The girls take a limo ride to some deserted desert and proceed to get attacked by zombies. Sadly, it's all fake and we don't get to watch their flesh rot as they turn into the undead. I will give the producers some credit for finally giving us a unique group date. They end up getting a bunch of fake guns to shoot a bunch of fake zombies. The best part of this group date and the entire episode is Ashley Crazy Eyes. She keeps talking about "mesa verde," she shocks all the girls when she casually walks through all the zombies (they're fake, so it's not really that big of a deal), and she just makes weird comments like "boom" and "walk to the truth" and who the fuck knows. Either she's on peyote, she's suffering from Lyme Disease like Irene from Real World Seattle, or she's just quoting lines from True Detective. Either way, I'm pretty sure she should leave the show, because her soul mate is this guy:
I could write a dissertation on Ashley Crazy Eyes and how super awkward it was when she interrupted Chris's interview to talk about Mesa Verde, but  I know you guys have to get back to your busy work days, so let's move on. 

Back at Grey Gardens, Jordan gets really drunk AGAIN and reveals to us that "Jillian has the hairiest ass she's seen on any woman." Clearly, it's all those testosterone supplements she's on. Also: Jordan, never change.

Back in Zombieland, Farmer Chris steals some time with Britt the Shit and gives her a gift. It's a note that says "free kiss." Real original, buddy. They make out. She is clearly the frontrunner BUT Caitlyn gets the group date rose for also making out with him and cracking some lame jokes.

Cocktail party time. The only thing worth noting in this sequences is that we find out that Trashley Ashley is actually a virgin.  To quote my husband "she's not a virgin, get the fuck out of here." Teen Mom says she's SUPER jealous of Trashley, because all men want virgins. She will totally make it far in this competition, because Chris will want to pop her cherry. Teen Mom actually says "I'm SO jealous you're a virgin!" Translation: I wish I didn't have a child. What no one is discussing is the fact that Ashley did lose her virginity while racing on that tractor in her bathing suit.

I'm skeptical of this whole virginity thing, but then Ashley gets some alone time with Chris and shows off her belly button ring (what is this, 1996?) and tells him he gets three wishes if he rubs it. His first wish is to make out with her. They proceed to dry hump, but now I'm convinced she is a virgin, because the kiss looks a lot like this:
I had to make that gif extra small because it's that horrifying.

Rose ceremony time. Steroids does not have a good week. First, we were told she has the hairiest ass ever and then after Chris calls "Juelia" she hears him wrong and steps forward, only to nearly fall on her ass in the process. Has anyone created this GIF yet?? To make matters worse, she tries to play it cool by laughing at herself, but it's like too loud and forced and just makes the whole thing even more humiliating. The good news is, she does end up getting a rose.

Desperate Kimberly does not. And as she leaves, she cries that "she deserves a family." Drunk redneck girl from last week AKA Tara also doesn't get a rose, which is too bad, because she seems to have more personality than all of the other contestants combined, but she's also not a size zero so shame on her, she deserved to leave. Guess who did get a rose: ASHLEY CRAZY EYES.

I know you guys might think that the producers put Farmer Chris up to this because she is phenomenal TV, BUT I've thought it through and I disagree. People, it's the penny she put in the sole of his shoe! He's possessed. They are probably gonna get married and when he tries to leave her, she'll totally go Gone Girl on his ass!

Until next week when the only exciting thing that happens is that Jimmy Kimmel makes a cameo.

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