Tuesday, January 20, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

This week's episode is all about synergy and promotional integrations. This is network speak for "let's use this stupid show to promote other more important lucrative stuff." And that's why the episode kicks off with Jimmy Kimmel breaking into Chris's cardboard bungalow and waking him up. Farmer Chris is clearly confused. Is he filming a commercial? Is this part of the show? Did he remember to put away the lotion and sock after a night of watching Skinimax?

Back at Grey Gardens, Harrison arrives to tell the ladies there will be another man in their life this week. This is Harrison speak for "I've got a pretty mamacita waiting for me in Punta Mita and I'm going to need to take a few days off to snort cocaine from her cleavage. Just kidding, I'm building an orphanage!" The girls are all very excited when Jimmy Kimmel arrives, but I don't care about that, because all I can focus on is Steroids (AKA Jillian) embracing Britt (AKA the pretty one). Hmmmm.... I'm picking up some adorable lesbian vibes. By Women Tell All, they will have moved in together and adopted a baby from Vietnam.

Kimmel's first contribution to the house is an "amazing" jar. Every time anyone says the word "amazing" they have to put a dollar in the jar. All proceeds will go to herpes research and to repaint the exterior of The Bachelor house. Look, I love me some Kimmel, but having him in this entire episode just felt like I was watching one long commercial for his late night show. Can't I just live in a world where I can pretend all of my favorite reality TV shows are not contrived and fake? It's so hard to do that when the dude from Win Ben Stein's Money is cock-blocking left and right. Moving on.

Kaitlyn (the comedian) gets the first one on one date in this episode. She kind of looks like Miley Cyrus's half-Asian older sister. Sometimes I think she's pretty and sometimes I think she just stepped out of an Aerosmith commercial from 1995. Seriously. What is with the crop top and the flannel tied around her waist? All she needs is a satin choker and a ground floor apartment in Melrose Place and she'll be set.

The limo takes Farmer Lame and Kaitlyn to Costco, because.... they paid ABC money to feature them on this episode. In an effort to be super hilarious, Jimmy Kimmel gives them a grocery list of things to buy for him. The fuck? If I wanted to watch two people go grocery shopping I would just go to the grocery store. Ketchup in bulk is NOT funny. The best part of this ridiculous sequence is when three adorable Latino kids push Kaitlyn and Farmer Chris around in some big plastic tube and they make out in it. I wish that tube would roll away, out the door, into the parking lot, down the street, onto the freeway, straight into a tomato truck, that would drive them all the way to the farm in Iowa where they could live together forever.

Back at Chris's house which is conveniently located in the driveway of Grey Gardens, Chris and Kaitlyn do normal date things like season steaks and drink cheap bourbon. They make out some more and she tells Chris that she loves that his life is unglamorous. Yeah... those dove tattoos on her triceps totally give off a "I just want to live on a farm and milk cows" vibe. Bitch's idea of a boring Saturday night is doing MOLLY and rubbing her exposed midriff on a guy dressed in a furry bunny costume at an underground rave.

Jimmy Kimmel arrives to spice up the date and I immediately get flashbacks to my early twenties, when all of my friends had boyfriends, and I was always the third wheel. Being the third wheel is as stressful as being a sniper in Iraq, but Kimmel handles it pretty well. We learn a couple things about Kaitlyn, because Jimmy is much better at asking questions than Farmer Chris who just wants to make out and squeeze butt cheeks. For starters, Kaitlyn has dated a farmer before. WHAT? How is that even possible. I've never even met a farmer in my entire life. Before Chris, the only other farmer I'd ever heard of was Old MacDonald. I wish we could get clarification on whether she's dated a farmer or a PHarmer. Like, her ecstasy dealer does not count as a farmer.

Jimmy asks Old Miley Cyrus how she would feel if Farmer Chris had sex with other women in the fantasy suite and she shrugs and says "I don't care. I boned Chris Harrison last night." Okay, that's not
what she says, but she uses the oldest sex analogy ever which is that you have to test drive a car before you buy it. So she's totally fine with Chris sticking his peen in a variety of vaginas before he decides which one is just right. He's like Goldicock and her vadge is one of the three bears.

Needless to say, she gets a rose and proceeds to make out with Chris, with Jimmy Kimmel sitting right between them. If that wasn't bad enough, we get a bit of the two of them making out in a hot tub and as the camera pans, Kimmel's hanging out on the other side eating wings. Oh Jimmy, you're better than this. I just hope he at least farted his little heart out in that tub.

Time for the group date portion of this episode. The ladies have to compete against each other in a farmer-inspired obstacle course to see who's the most cut out for living in Iowa. Steroids Jillian was working out in preparation for this last night. And because of that, we got to see more of the black censor bar covering up her A. hairy butt. B. testicles. C. bleached anus. or D. all of the above.

Side note: the black censor bar has become my favorite character on the show. I think I like it better than the raccoon from Bachelor in Paradise. They should make it start talking. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the final rose is going to either go to Britt or the black censor bar.

Anyway, because Chris Harrison is still on a week-long cocaine binge, Jimmy Kimmel comes to hang out on the group date. The girls are required to shuck corn, get an egg from a hen, crack the egg, milk a goat, chug the goat milk, and catch a pig. My husband says this is the most demeaning season of The Bachelor yet, but I say... it could be worse. They could be asked to wear bikinis and wrestle each other in a pig sty.

Jillian's shorts are SO short that the black censor bar has to make yet another appearance. How does she not get a super itchy vagina in those shorts? Duh, she doesn't have a vagina! I keep forgetting!

The girls really start freaking out when they have to chug the goat's milk and I'm like... come on ladies, you've swallowed gallons of spunk in your lifetime and you're freaking out over goat's milk? Get it together! Do you want this guy or not? Are you here for the right reasons? Then drink straight from the teet and pretend you love it!

Steroids Jillian and iCarly are the frontrunners during most of the race, but iCarly surprises everyone when she catches the pig and wins the whole thing. Turns out, you don't have to inject yourself with performance enhancing drugs, drink protein shakes, and do a million squats to get first place in a farm-inspired obstacle course.

Sadly, the only thing that Carly wins is a chance to recreate the American Gothic painting. Even Jimmy Kimmel got to pose in the photo and he didn't have to pour goat's milk down his throat.
Time for the nighttime portion of the group date. We're in the third episode of the season which is when the contestants become inexplicably upset that Farmer Chris is making out with other women. Ladies, have you never seen this show in your life? Since when has the bachelor only made out with one person the whole season? Okay, to be fair, MacKenzie (AKA teen mom) is the only one who's really up in arms about this. She says she was the first girl in the house that Farmer Lame kissed (WRONG: Britt was the first girl) and she doesn't like that he's kissing everyone else now. So, Mackenzie decides to do what every twenty-one year old, idiot girl, who doesn't understand the laws of dating would do and CONFRONTS Chris. She literally asks him why he's kissing everyone and he stutters his way through the answer.

Teen Mom: Why are you KISSING EVERYONE?
Farmer Chris: I.... um... it's just that.... for me, this is.... I want to.... you know? Let's talk about Kale. The leafy green, not your son.

This was a huge mistake on MacKenzie's part. First of all, she's now in "high maintenance" territory which is a boner killer for every man out there. Just last night, Kaitlyn said that she totally doesn't care if Chris sticks his penis in as many holes as he sees fit and Teen Mom is giving him a hard time about kissing other women? Oh hell no. As soon as he gets a chance to finger bang her, he's going to send her packing.

Guess who does get a rose on this date? Becca. I know what you're thinking. Who the hell is Becca?! I don't know. I'm 99% certain that she was just walking down the street and ABC was like, hey-- you want to come hang out at this cocktail party? But she could be the dark horse in the competition. She feels real, down to earth, and she even plays the "I'm not a whore" card by not allowing Chris to kiss her. iCarly is really upset that she didn't land the group date rose after proving her undying love and devotion by winning the farm animal obstacle course, but I guess no one told her that traditionally when it comes to dating, getting first place in an obstacle course that requires you to milk a goat doesn't really mean shit.

I would like to point out that Crazy Ashley was on this date and she didn't once mention Mesa Verde or try to shoot the other girls. I thought I told her to never change! WTF. I'm so upset. Stop being normal, Ash! This show needs you and your crazy! 

Time for another one on one date. This time, Farmer Chris proves he's braver than the bravest guy in Seal Team Six by deciding to spend an entire evening with Whitney AKA Squeaky voice girl.They go to Saddlerock Ranch in Malibu... which I'm ashamed to admit is where the hubs and I had our engagement pictures taken. Whatever, it's beautiful there, don't judge us!

Sadly, Jimmy Kimmel is not there to make this date more watchable so Chris and Whitney have to rely on their own ability to make small talk. All I basically remember about this interaction is that Whitney is Facebook friends with people she meets in airports. So... she's either really friendly, really desperate for friends, or is the type of woman who will eventually find herself in a pit in the basement of a serial killer's house. They notice a wedding taking place on the property and Whitney blows all of our minds by saying "there's something really romantic about weddings."

Uh, yeah right Whitney. Name one thing.

Anyway, she suggests that they crash the wedding and Chris says he's game. This sequence is super ridiculous for a number of reasons. I give ABC some credit for trying to make us believe that this wasn't all part of their carefully planned out production schedule and that Chris/Whitney are just crazy and spontaneous. They even used long lenses to film them interacting with guests, because they couldn't possibly get away with their "plan" with an entire production crew following them. I didn't buy any of this for a second. First of all, who got all these guests to sign releases? Second, Squeaky Voice and Farmer Lame just happened to have cocktail attire at the ready? uh-uh, Homey Don't Play That.
It turns out, Whitney is actually a pathological liar and convinces all the wedding guests that she's besties with the bride and groom. She's totally a con artist. I bet when she speaks in her real voice it's actually deep and manly. She probably actually sounds just like James Earl Jones. Truth be told, I'm a sucker for a girl who can lie, so Whitney's kind of growing on me. The sad part is, she's the only woman on the show who I think would be legitimately content and happy living on a farm, baking biscuits, and cleaning up poop every morning. And that's exactly why she will not make it past hometown dates.

The next day, Jimmy Kimmel returns to the house to break the difficult news to the girls that there will not be a cocktail party this evening. Instead, they're going to have a pool party! I can't remember if all of this happened before or after he took a shower with Chris, but it doesn't matter. I'm not sure why all this homo-eroticism between Farmer Chris and Kimmel is supposed to be funny, but all it did was make me realize two things.

#1 Farmer Chris is SO boring that ABC needed to bring on their only late night host to make this episode halfway entertaining.

#2 Farmer Chris has more chemistry with Kimmel than he has with any of the ladies. Is it weird that I kind of want them to have sex in this shower?

The girls are SUPER excited to have a fun, breezy easy day of swimming and soaking up the sun with their favorite Farmer. Except for Jew-Leah who decides that now would be the most appropriate time to take Chris aside and tell him that her husband killed herself. I know I should feel bad for Jool-ia, but I kind of don't for a number of reasons.

For starters, she's a total Debbie Downer. Chris has had a really tough week of making out with girls, touching boobies, shopping at Costco, and living it up with Jimmy Kimmel. Is it really fair to force him to listen and sympathize? These are like the two most exhausting exercises for any guy. Second, the only reason she's spilling her guts now is because she knows "my husband killed himself" = automatic rose. Last but certainly not least, how can any of us take this girl seriously when she's wearing a bad hippie headband and hot pink lipstick? Even the way she tells the story bothers me. She's like-- I had no idea he was depressed, but... there was that one time he wrote a suicide note. Say what?!

It's really too bad that none of the other girls interrupted this conversation, but Farmer Chris nods at all the appropriate times and even hugs her while she cries. And then he's like "cannonball" and jumps in the pool. Okay, not exactly, but YOU KNOW that's exactly what he wanted to do. The rest of the pool party turns into a feeding frenzy of girls trying their best to get a few minutes alone with Prince Farming.

Jade (AKA Lyla Garrity) invites herself to his room and they dry hump on the bed. Meanwhile, Steroids and her black censor bar decide to get ultra-aggressive by waiting for Chris in his hot tub. That much exposure to chlorine and boiling hot water cannot be good for her sperm count. At this point, I decide that I can't deal with Jillian anymore. This is what I would like Chris about her at the rose ceremony
The person who's the most distraught about not getting enough time with Chris is Virgin Ashley. Maybe it's just her hymen that's making her do crazy things, but she finally takes Chris aside, then does this creepy/laugh cry, and then cheers herself up by eating his face. I do not like this girl. She looks too much like a Kardashian and even though I sort of believe that she's a virgin, I also believe that she's had more peens up her butt than most of these girls have had in their mouths. She also gets really clingy. Like, once the rose ceremony rolls around, we learn that she asked Chris to call her name at the beginning. Well, since no one tells Farmer Chris what to do, he makes her wait till the very last rose. This is basically the equivalent of back-handing her.

You guys know that horrifying scene in Stand By Me when they're in the swamp and they get covered in leeches and Will Wheaton looks in his underwear and pulls out a leech and his hand is all bloody? Well, Virgin Ashley totally reminds me of that leech.
Anyway, nothing terribly dramatic happens at the rose ceremony except that some chick named Samantha I've never seen before gets a rose. Also, Chris Harrison finally decides to make an appearance after spending a couple extra days with his harem of orphans in Punta Mita. Until next week when... more women cry, we learn there's TWO virgins in the house, and Chris touches more people's tongues with his tongue. Yay! 


  1. I laughed throughout, but I especially loved the "cardboard bungalow."

  2. Hilarious! I think Farmer Slow's laugh needs to be addressed at some point. If you married him you'd be spending your entire life trying NOT to make him laugh. BLEAK.