Tuesday, January 27, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 4

This week's episode kicks off with Chris Harrison making a pit stop after his very relaxing Thai massage to the bachelor house. He lets the girls know that Farmer Chris's sisters (AKA the Blond posse) will be picking who gets the one on one date with their brother. They will interview the girls and whichever one of them knows how to play ghosts in the graveyard automatically wins. But before all that, it's time for the group date (AKA yet another opportunity to get these contestants as naked as possible).

Farmer Snooze and the ladies go to a lake. Teen Mom declares that lakes are her favorite place. Hmmm. That's kind of sad and pathetic. I'm just going to pretend she's dyslexic and thinks they are going to spend the day with her son Kale. So... reason #357 that Ashley is NOT in fact a virgin. She's wearing an American flag bikini. And she decides to break the ice with Farmer Horn Dog by taking her top off. Cuntlyn, I mean Kaitlyn (I actually sort of like her, but come on-- that's the perfect nickname!) decides to take off her bikini bottoms. Somewhere out there, the black box over Jillian's ass is feeling upstaged.

Speaking of everyone's favorite black box... back at the house, Jillian falls asleep in the swimming pool (which, side note-- is super dangerous) and her hairy butt is covered once again. Sadly for Steroids, the blonde posse shows up in the middle of her nap. She wakes up, covers her butt with a towel, and goes inside the house to meet them. Here's my one-liner assessment of Chris's sister.

#1 The super pretty one. She's got great earrings, perfect wavy hair, and asks most of the questions.
#2 She lives in Ireland and not Iowa so she wins at everything.
#3 Lesbian or Iowa native? Impossible to tell the difference.

We see them interview a few of the girls. Becca is just way too boring for their taste. Whitney automatically loses because of her voice. iCarly cries in front of them... NOT because she's a cruise ship singer, but because men haven't been very nice to her. She later says in an interview that she wants a guy to be "like her grandpa." That is some next level shit. Most of these girls have daddy complexes and Carly Cruise Singer has a grand-daddy complex and weird eye brows? That's two strikes right there.

And then there's Jade... when Chris's sisters meet her, the music swells. Everything goes in slow motion, the lesbian comes out of the closet, the pretty one decides to dye her hair brown, the Ireland one asks Jade if she could see herself living in Ireland. Okay, none of this actually happens but these bitches LOVE Jade. She's what we Persians refer to as "mamani" which basically translates to pretty and sweet all rolled into one. What's not to like about Jade? She's from Nebraska AND she just launched her own organic make-up company. If that wasn't enough, she looks like a grown up version of this girl:
She's basically perfect. And then I learn she posed naked for Playboy and I go on a Google Image search spiral that makes me see Jade in a totally different light. On the plus side, the photos confirm she has great boobs.

Back to the group date.  Kelsey says she's in complete hell at the lake. She calls it a bimbo date (Uh... did someone tell her she was going on The Amazing Race? Does she know what show she's on?)  and then says she wants to go home. To make matters worse, a bee practically stings her vagina. Every season there is one contestant that just seems a little too normal and together and refined to be on this show. Last season, it was Sharleen. This season, it's Kelsey. They're always just a shade snobby, which makes sense because they absolutely don't belong on the show. I mean, this is episode 4 and Kelsey hasn't even played the dead husband card yet! What planet is this girl from?

At Grey Gardens, the one on one date card arrives. Needless to say, the blond posse chose Jade. But this isn't your average hand written by an assistant who signs Chris Harrison's name kind of card. It's gold and pretty. And it says something about Jade getting to be a princess. She says, and I quote "I'm ready to be a princess." Bitch, you only get to say that if you're Kate Freaking Middleton. It's all so sweet and precious and then I remember my Google Image search and everything changes. Guess the whole "you can see my vagina in an issue of Playboy" never came up with Chris's sisters.  CUT TO:

The endless group date. The girls set up camp and build a fire. Farmer Slut spends the evening making out with as many women as he can. Virgin Ashley eats his face. Sadly for her, he opens his eyes while they're kissing and gets a close up look at her crusty eyelashes. Crazy Ashley sings Ta-ti-ta-ti-ta-ti-ta-ta around the campfire, tells Farmer Chris she loves him, then says "you don't have to say anything to that" immediately after. Which note to females: not a good sign if you feel the need to say that to a guy right after confessing your love. I'm SUPER happy that the crazy is back in full force and have decided Ashley S is a grown up version of this girl:
Kelsey rubs all the ladies the wrong way when they call themselves the luckiest women in the world and she's like "who? What? Us? Wait, are we talking about Angelina Jolie? What's going on? How are we lucky, we are single and on the trashiest reality dating show?" Okay, that's not word for word what she says, but she doesn't enthusiastically agree so naturally everyone thinks she's Satan. They also hate the fact that she looks totally miserable until Chris comes around. It's called strategy, ladies. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

None of this matters, because Cuntlyn gets the group date rose which REALLY upsets Virgin Ashley. Clearly, she needs to do a better job of playing the V card so she sneaks into Chris's tent in the middle of the night and proceeds to tell him that she thinks the show is portraying her as being wild, etc. And she's actually really innocent. WHAT? #1 The editing process hasn't even started yet so how can the show portray her as anything? #2 You took your top off. She leaves wondering if Chris got the hint that she's a virgin. Um, NO, but he did take the hint that you might be an up the butt girl.

When the group date ladies return to Grey Gardens, they discover that Jade has won the coveted princess date. Virgin Ashley is PISSED. Why? Because she's totally a Disney princess. No, I'm serious. She actually said that. Wait, you guys... I'm pretty sure she's a grown up version of this girl:
Dear Men: here's a dating tip. If a woman ever refers to herself as a Disney princess, then run like the colors of the wind.

The girls are all totally jealous when Dame Edna shows up to give Jade a Cinderella makeover. She gets to try on pretty dresses, wear glass slippers, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Virgin Ashley has a complete meltdown, because "She wanted to be a princess, waaaaaaah!" And just like that, she becomes my least favorite contestant of the season. Scratch that, she becomes my least favorite person in the world.

We get a super gratuitous commercial for the Disney reboot of Cinderella when Dame Edna shows Jade clips from a movie. Guys, she's putting on a dress and going out to dinner with a dude. WTF. Why does she need tips from a Disney movie? Not to mention, everyone knows the fucking Cinderella story. Let's move on.

I'm not exactly sure who decided the clips of Farmer Chris waltzing by himself should have made the final cut of the show, but lady boners all across America went soft. He looks completely ridiculous. This is turning into another Juan Pablo situation. The more I watch this guy, the less attractive he becomes (and that says a lot, because some have said he looks exactly like my husband). He just has no personality whatsoever and it's SO obvious he's just here to get his dick wet.

I will say, Jade looks super pretty and Farmer Me So Horny looks really happy when he sees her at the top of the stairs. Oh, I forgot to mention that until this moment, he had no idea who his sisters chose for him. Being sister approved is a huge vote of confidence for Jade and I think instantly puts her in frontrunner status. She's kind of my favorite, because she's really pretty, has a sordid past, and is just as boring and humorless as Prince Farming.  They enjoy a lovely dinner. We learn that Jade was engaged to someone when she was just twenty, which shouldn't be a big deal cause that's how old Teen Mom was when she had a kid. Chris used to be engaged too, so he's not phased by it. Other than that, I have absolutely no memory of what they discuss, because their lame date put me in a hypnotic state.

After dinner, Chris has another surprise for Jade when they get to slow dance in front of an orchestra. I'm not gonna lie, part of me thought this was kind of romantic UNTIL a TV screen showed clips from Cinderella while they danced. I love it. ABC is not even trying to be subtle about using this show as a platform to promote everything else Disney related. Why don't they just invite the cast of Blackish to join the next one on one date?

Meanwhile, Virgin runs around Grey Gardens in a princess dress she brought for a princess date and eats corn on the cob, while all the other girls enjoy looking completely normal and sane next to her.

Back on the date, Jade runs away from Chris when the clock strikes midnight, because that's when she turns back into a Playboy playmate. Did anyone else noticed that there was a back tattoo that was apparently blurred out? Is it a Playboy bunny?

Time for the last group date of the episode. Or as I now like to call it, "Demeaning Date Time!" This week, Hairy Steroid Butt, Becca, Carly Cruise Singer, Free Hugs, Whitney, and someone I can't remember, have to put on ugly wedding dresses and do some sort of mud obstacle course to raise awareness for sad single girls who are willing to humiliate themselves on TV to find a husband. JK, it's to raise awareness for MS.

It's no surprise that Steroids wins the race, because she's addicted to performance enhancing drugs and she's actually a man. Jokes on her though, because Chris stays behind and helps Boring Becca make it through the race. Side note: if Crazy Ashley was here, she would have totally won, because she's a witch and can fly and would have made it to the finish line super fast.

After making out with her biceps, Jillian wins a one on one dinner date with Chris in San Francisco. Which is tragic, because now there's a douchebag germs outbreak in the city and everyone who lives there is on quarantine. This one on one date is extremely awkward, because Steroids can't stop talking. When Chris asks her where she sees herself in five years-- she gets all weird and defensive and "I don't know!" Look, honey. Learn how to play the game. In five years, you see yourself married with kids. Have you never watched this show?! Things go from bad to worse when Jillian decides it's the perfect time to play, Would You Rather and asks Chris if he'd rather be celibate for five years or have sex with a homeless lady with a bird in her head.

In an unprecedented move, Farmer Chris is the first bachelor to admit that he's thinking about unicorns and fairies the whole time she's talking.
The contents of Chris's brain.
I'm pretty sure he was also thinking of unicorns and fairies when Juelia told him her husband killed himself in last week's episode.

It's pretty obvious that Farmer Chris is not going to give Jillian a rose, but just to be a total dick, he holds it up to her, tells her she's awesome, then says BUT I'm here to find a wife-- and you're like more of a husband. Jillian gets emotional, tells Chris she's just really nervous, but he says he needs to trust his gut and his gut tells him she has a penis. Peace out Jillian. I will miss you and your black censor bar.

Finally! Time for the cocktail party! The chick with the dead dad decides that she and Farmer Lame haven't had enough time together in this episode so she needs to do something really memorable. She goes 9 1/2 weeks on his ass, blindfolds him, and feeds him chocolate covered fruit. She tries to list off the five senses, but stops at like three of them. What more can you expect from a girl who lists "water" as one of the things she can't live without on her bio.

Virgin Ashley decides that she was way too vague at the lake and needs to spell out for Chris that no penis has ever been inside of her vagina. I still find this very hard to believe. Carly Cruise Singer said it best when she explained that Ashley's "mouth is not a virgin." I'm fairly certain that Ashley thinks if you haven't had sex in a week, you're automatically a virgin again. I'm also not sure why she thinks this is going to give her a leg up in the competition. Sure, Teen Mom told her that all men love virgins, but teen mom also doesn't know what alfalfa is so you can't listen to her! Being a virgin just means "you can't just take me into the fantasy suite and have sex with me unless you plan to marry me." Chris gets slightly weird about this information, tries to pretend like it's great, and doesn't make out with her. Naturally, Ashley bursts into tears... then tells the other girls that she's a virgin and Becca is like "ME TOO." It took almost two hours, but we finally know the identity of Virgin 2.0. This is a spectacular moment, because #1 Ashley is really bummed that she's no longer special #2 Ashley knows that Becca is way more of a virgin than she is. 

Free Hugs gets some alone time with Chris and decides to call him out on giving roses to girls who take their bikini bottoms off and wave their bare ass around. She asks "why those actions and behaviors are being validated." Chris gets so mad, I swear it's taking all of his restraint not to backhand her. I'm not kidding. I'm getting serious violent monster vibes here. It's always amazing to me how predictable these dudes are. Any time a woman on the show questions them, they can't effing deal with it. For four weeks he's had twenty girls practically suck his dick and now one girl gives him one tiny critique and he wants to go Ike Turner on her ass. I mean, remember when Ben F told that chick to "tread lightly" when she warned him about crazy Courtney?

Farmer Chris abruptly walks away from Britt... and it's not looking good for her... if she wants to marry this guy. But everything's coming up *roses* if she wants to be the next bachelorette. If all of that wasn't bad enough, Chris decides to make a speech to the ladies that he's here to find his wife and if they think he's just here to stick his peen in multiple buttholes, then please go home.

Despite the obvious tension, Britt still gets a rose. Sadly, we have to bid crazy Ashley good bye which means Farmer Chris finally took that penny out of his shoe. Juelia also gets the boot, because you can't marry a woman who can't even spell her first name. She seems like she has a lot of fans in the house, because the women are sad to see her go. Chris also decides to walk her out and apologize for sending her back to her lonely dissatisfying life of being a single mom, before she got a free trip to Europe out of all of this.

Until next week, when Kelsey lets out the crazy. Counting the days...!

1 comment:

  1. Best line! "Dear Men: here's a dating tip. If a woman ever refers to herself as a Disney princess, then run like the colors of the wind." True dat.
    And, for reals...I also got the violent monster vibe when Free Hugs confronted Farmer Boring. Talk about Ghosts in the Graveyard. What--er, who--might he have buried out there???

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