Tuesday, January 6, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: season premiere!

I know it's award season and everything, but where does ABC and The Bachelor get off starting this show with a red carpet? I'm not upset for us, I'm upset that they are perpetuating this crazy notion in all these former contestants heads that they are famous. They all need to be walking the red carpet with these bags over their head:

We get a lot of shots of Farmer Chris doing things like driving a tractor, tossing around hay, tasting crops, and... riding a motorcycle? What is this, Top Gun? I'm 100% certain that Prince Farming never rode a motorcycle before in his life. After all, how could they resist having Blandi ride around on the back of one when she went to his hometown?? Speaking of his hometown, it's a pretty safe bet that dancing is illegal in Arlington, Iowa and that they still have segregation, because everyone here is whiter than Sean Lowe's eyelashes.

Since being The Bachelor is as physically taxing as being in the armed forces, Cody is flown in to help Prince Farming train. His work out includes carrying hay, doing push ups on hay, and bench pressing a cow. I'm worried about Cody. His neck is way too thick and his testicles are the size of marbles (Editor's Note: this is just an educated guess). I really hope this season will be like Hitch and Cody will appear throughout to give Chris pointers on how to do a dead lift while jerking off at the same time.

Let's take a moment to discuss some of the atrocious red carpet interviews. Chris Harrison really had to work for his paycheck this week. Here are a few questions/thoughts. #1 Why is Catherine wearing a shower curtain around her dress? #2 Who told Sean Lowe he could grow a beard? #3 Why doesn't Neil Lane have anything better to do? #4 How is it possible that Marcus and Lacey are SO busy planning their wedding, yet they still haven't nailed down a date? Speaking as someone who's gotten married (that's right), there isn't shit you can plan until you know the date and venue, so I don't know what these assholes are talking about. And Lacey needs to stop thinking it's charming and cute to say 80/40.

The best part about the red carpet is that it's about five feet long. At first, I thought they were in Chris Harrison's backyard, but I've actually been to the studio where they tape their live audience shows AND it's kind of dinky and right across the street from Burbank Airport. Basically, what I'm trying to tell you is that the red carpet was in a parking lot.

The show decides to give us a much needed break from these ridiculous non-celebrities pretending they are at the Oscars by introducing us to some of the girls:

Britt: She lives in LA and hikes Runyon Canyon like every other self respecting waitress-slash-aspiring actress. She's one of those girls who in certain lights and angles looks super pretty and then in others looks a bit crusty. The most offensive thing about Britt is that backpack she's carrying from 1994 and the fact that she stands on Hollywood Blvd and gives out free hugs. It seems all innocent and cute and weird and fun, but you just know on the back of her sign it says "hand jobs $10."

Body builder chick: This girl is intense. She could crack a walnut shell with her thigh muscles.  And she's totally the H-Bomb's type which I will never understand. She also runs some sort of local newsroom somewhere in DC. None of this matters, because her face isn't pretty enough to get her too far in this competition. I'm pretty sure she and Cody will meet on Bachelor in Paradise and make love in a bathtub filled with protein powder.

Ballet instructor who lives with her mom: This girl is straight up cray-cray. Not only does she have an unfortunate case of bug-eyed/crazy eyes, but she also lives with her mom and doesn't cook or clean or pay bills. You can feel her mother's desperation. "Please," she's screaming, "Please ABC. Take my daughter. Find someone to marry her. Anyone. What's Bob Guinney up to these days?"

Whitney, the fertility nurse: At first, Whitney seems like the perfect girl to take home to mom, but then she speaks and her voice is SO high-pitched that there are probably full sentences only dogs can understand. Let's just say, I would rather be trapped in a room with Gilbert Godfrey, Bobcat Goldthwait, and Fran Drescher, than listen to Whitney speak.

Young chick with kid: Also known as Mackenzie. She's twenty-one years old and has a son-- who looks around two. Which means she got pregnant when she was nineteen.  She's literally a TEEN MOM. Is she on the wrong reality show? The MOST amazing thing about Mackenzie is that she named her son Kale, but when Chris tells her they grow alfalfa on his farm-- she doesn't know what that is. The fuck. At least if you've never heard of the sprout you could pretend he grows a bunch of these guys on the farm:
Annoyingly perky flight attendant who makes lame analogies about love and flying. I'm not even going to bother to remember her name, because she's going to make it to episode three MAX.

Kelsey: otherwise known as the girl that's too normal to be on this show, but also has a tragic back story. I took a chance and picked Kelsey as one of the final four and after seeing her on the first episode, I stand by my choice. She seems really down to earth and exactly the kind of woman you'd want raising your kids. She's also poised to be the next bachelorette, because a year and a half ago, her husband died. Not to be all judgey, but isn't it a little soon to go on a reality TV show? I'm going to choose to believe that what she really wants to do is travel and can't afford to do it on a guidance counselor's salary so the next best choice was going on The Bachelor.

That brings us back to the red carpet for one of the best parts of this three hour epic.  Chris Harrison (God love him) and the Nikki interview. We all know there is no one that Harrison hates more in the world than Juan Pablo and he tries SO hard to get Nikki to give us some dirt on their break-up. This interview is painful. It's what North Korea should have really hacked us for. It goes on and on and on. It's all done in extreme close-ups of Nikki's face, because she clearly got her boobs done and we are still in the 8pm hour of the show. Unfortunately, she doesn't totally sell out the most hated bachelor in America. Some of my favorite quotes are when she says "we real life tried, not just TV tried." AND when she says that she was Juan Pablo's seventh priority. Okay, but what were priorities 1-6? What if they were 1. Valentina, his daughter. 2. The war on Poverty 3. Finding a cure for Ebola. 4. Peace between Israel and Palestine. 5. Smoothing things over between Jay-Z and Beyonce 6. Soccer. 7. Nikki. I mean--- that seems fair.

FINALLY, the pre-show ends and the first limo arrives at the house. Britt is the first girl to get out and luckily she left her backpack at home. She gives Farmer Boring a realllllly long hug and breathes all heavy in his ear. Then she hands him a note (it says "free hugs") and tells him to find her later so she can explain. It's all very cringe-worthy and terrible, yet somehow (spoiler alert) she gets the first impression rose. AND Chris, in an unprecedented move, makes out with her on the first episode.

A few other highlights:

Crazy-eyes Amanda decides it's not a good idea for Chris to look at her at all, so she makes the limo driver hand him a note, he reads it, turns around and closes his eyes, and she comes up behind him and says she's his secret admirer-- then she slips off into the night and turns into an owl and flies away to Hogwarts.

Chick who sells human tissue for a living arrives with a cooler in her hand which carries a fake bloody heart. It looks pretty real. It's kind of sick and twisted, but I'm totally into it. I think she could be really good friends with that girl whose family runs a mortuary.

In one of the MOST ground-breaking moves ever, a girl shows up in shorts and cowboy boots instead of a cocktail dress. Holy Amazing. Hashtag Feminist. She is paving the way for so many other women who don't want to shop at Jessica McClintock.  Spoiler alert: she changes into a black cocktail dress which reveals a trampy tattoo on her back. Later, she gets really drunk on whiskey and nearly falls over five times during the rose ceremony BUT to the horror of all of the other woman, she still gets a rose.

If having one girl with crazy-eyes wasn't bad enough, Farmer Lame gets TWO. Meet Ashley. If Amanda has crazy "stage five clinger" eyes, then Ashley has crazy "I'm going to cut your penis off in the middle of the night" eyes. She gives Chris a penny to put in the sole of his shoe and I really don't want him to do it, because I think it's going to cast a spell on him and kill all of his crops for the next fifteen years.

So far, my favorite of the bunch is Caitlyn who tells Farmer Chris he can plow the fuck out of her fields, then wipes a piece of glitter off of his face and screams "WHO IS SHE?!" This girl is hilarious. Especially when she tells a joke about a walrus who goes to a tupperware party, because he was looking for a tight seal. AMAZING. Caitlyn loses a few points for later teaching Chris to dance, but I pray the ABC Gods will keep her around purely for what's sure to be some excellent commentary about the other girls.

Per usual, when the first impression rose arrives, all the girls are freaking OUT and guzzling Xanax with their pinot grigio. There used to be a time when a rose on a table was just a decorative piece, but now it sends all these chicks into a drunken tailspin.  What's even crazier is that there are only FIFTEEN girls in the house. What could this possibly mean? There are usually 25. Who's changing the rules here? Why isn't Chris Harrison around to explain it all? Will there be another limo?!

Of course. As though this show wasn't long and tortuous enough, we have to sit through another fifteen arrivals.

The stand out of this group is definitely Brittany who is wearing an outfit that is a cross between a figure skater's leotard and a doily. Honestly, how many different dresses did she try on before she decided this was the one? Who are her parents and friends and why didn't they tell her that this outfit would get her eliminated on the first night? Brittany, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but nobody loves you, because if they did, they would tell you to change.

A few of the girls watch the arrivals from the window and talk smack about "the others." #1 This is totally what I would be doing too if I was on the show #2 This is when it hits me that "the others" might actually be ghosts which means that Brittany was actually caught dead in an outfit no one would want to be caught dead in.

My favorites of "the others" are Tandra (the woman who comes in on the motorcycle) and Jade (the most tastefully stylish contestant). After the last of the arrivals, I am truly shocked that Claire and her little raccoon didn't make a surprise appearance. But perhaps, she will show up in episode three to shake things up and make a bid for Farmer Chris's undying love + a lifetime of corn.

The rest of the episode plays out the way they normally do. Women steal Chris away from each other. A few cringe-worthy/awkward conversations are had. Ashley goes bat-shit crazy when she parades around the Bachelor garden and plucks a giant pomegranate, then says she feels powerful. Uh, yeah. Because you are an evil witch and as soon as the other contestants eat those pomegranate seeds they are going to fall asleep for a thousand years.

After Farmer Slut makes out with Britt, we go back to the studio audience so Chris Harrison can ask some hard-hitting questions about how viewers felt about the kiss. Luckily, there are two farmer's wives from Arlington, Iowa in the audience with matching haircuts that look just like those terrible pictures salons used to have in the 80s. I REALLY wish I had a picture of them, but this will have to do:
One of them says RE:the kiss that it's just like their Chris which basically means soy beans aren't the only thing he's been spreading around town-- if ya know what I mean.

During the middle of the rose ceremony, Farmer Chris has to make a quick getaway-- definitely to poop, but maybe also to get the names of the contestants straight. Here's what we know about him based on his choices: He likes drunk girls, that penny in his foot really did put a spell on him because Ashley gets a rose, he hates black women-- because there aren't any on the show, he also hates chubby girls because the plus-sized model gets sent home, he hates gingers because the one red-head gets sent home even though she looks just like Jessica Chastain, AND Brittany's terrible outfit did get her eliminated but maybe now she can finally rest in peace.

The craziest thing is that when the ladies leave the house and do their exit interviews, it's LIGHT outside. That means they've been up all night!! Why the hell does a rose ceremony take SO long to tape? This is cruel and unusual punishment. This is worst than water-boarding. How can they keep them cooped up in that mansion for so long. All I can say is, #BringBackOurGirls.

At the very end, Kimberly-- who I don't remember at all throughout the three long saga-- leaves in the  middle of her exit interview and goes back inside the house. She asks Chris for a second of his time and then the episode ends. I predict they will have a brief conversation about how Chris didn't feel immediate chemistry between them, Kimberly will thank him for his honesty, give him a hug, then cry on camera and curl up near the fountain to take a power nap.

The preview for the rest of the season looks seriously legit. There's lots of crying, helicopter rides, a possible de-virginizing, and commentary like "I would rather eat glass and wash it down with a bag of hair than lose to her." What else could we ask for in a season of The Bachelor?  Oh, I know: A bachelor with a personality.

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