Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The Busted Nose BLOW OFF

I've been on a flurry of Tinder dates recently. Maybe it's the new year, maybe it's my thirty-three-year-old eggs, but something is definitely in the air.  I believe the best way to approach any online dating is to meet as soon as possible in order to keep expectations in check, so when I talked to Nick (not his real name, obvs), a recent Georgia-to-LA transplant, I crammed a date with him into my busy schedule within days of our first texts.

I could tell before we met that Nick was dealing with a little bit of insecurity. A couple times he made a joke and I didn't respond right away because I was out to dinner on another date or having girlfriends over for some homemade brussels sprouts risotto. When I finally did pick up my phone, I saw back-to-back texts -- one with the jokes and the other an hour later with "uh I was jk, fyi! Ha" or "Bad joke...I knew it." The insecurity was not attractive, but he also had a wacky confidence about him, like when we secured our plans for the next day and he told me to rest my face muscles, "Because you're going to be smiling so hard, you'll be sore the next day." What can I say? I'm a sucker for an adorable weirdo. I told my friends this was either going to be one of the most fun dates ever or a total wash.

Little did I know, the date wouldn't happen at all.

Sadly, on the night in question I was attending a former co-worker's memorial in the early evening. It's a strange time to schedule a date, but he was leaving town for a week the next day and I thought drinks with a fun guy would be an excellent antidote to the earlier sadness. As I drove home, I received a text from him, "Haven't hear from you -- so are we off?"

This need to confirm plans that are already set in stone is such an LA thing -- he was learning fast. But we had set a time and place the night before, I felt no need to say, "Hey dude, you know those plans we made ten hours ago? Do they still work for you or has something better come along that you'd rather do?" Also, it was forty-five minutes before our date was set to begin -- seemed late to be checking in if he needed that reassurance. Because I never text and drive (hi, mom!) I called Nick and left a message saying that we absolutely were still on and that I was headed in that direction right now. He texted back (Really? Why are we all so afraid to hear each other's voices and actually communicate?) to say that he felt terrible and hadn't left yet. I texted back -- at a stoplight, natch -- and said "Then leave now."

The time for the date came and went and I hadn't heard back from him. I went home and sat in my apartment, talking to another Tinderfella who wasn't a psycho freak (as far as I could tell.) Normally, I would just let this go, but Nick had needed so much reassurance. It didn't feel fair to let him off without telling him that this behavior sucked and that I regretted relaxing my face muscles for nothing.

So I texted, "So, I guess I'm the one being stood up. Right after attending my friend's memorial. Thanks for that." He immediately wrote back with a flurry of texts that need to be seen to be believed:

A few things to note:
1. I am amazing and beautiful, but you've never met me, so your* words come off as creepy.
2. Is your nose 2x or 3x the normal size? Get your facts straight, buddy.
3. Are you new to Tinder or new to human contact?
4.  If I'm so amazing and beautiful, why would I judge you for falling out of the shower?
5. Too
6. Don't accuse me of not believing you before I've had a chance to speak. It makes me not believe you.

He went on to make offers of bringing me flowers and picking me up on our make-up date. Or having me over to watch a rom com in pjs while I tell him how terrible he is and he fills our champagne glasses. Boy, this guy just really knows what women want.

It was clear this guy wasn't totally in touch with reality. I finally got him to stop texting by saying he should just go on his trip and call me when he gets back (therefore giving me time to block his number) and he responded quickly: "Ok. bye."

Ok bye, indeed neurotic Nick. Ok bye, indeed.

No comments:

Post a Comment