Monday, January 26, 2015

the trapper keeper & the BLOW OFF

This story is a crazy one, and I mostly want to share it because I want to know what to do from here.

In 2010 I had just gotten out of a relationship where I was being abused and had to move to another state to get away from my ex so red flag one, I was vulnerable. To try and find a peer group I took a job at a haunted house in Scottsdale, Arizona where I met my ex, David, or as everyone knew him by, Jester.

He had a girlfriend at the time who was also another lead at the park, but the first time I saw him the entire world stopped for us both. Our eyes were locked on each other. Things went bad at the park and I lost my role but Jester saved the day, he used me to replace the door guard of his section of the haunt and we began sneaking around.

The girlfriend (we shall call Voldemort), had manipulated Jester into doing something stupid which lost him his job as a maintenance man at an apartment complex and by default his apartment, forcing him to move in with her. By the end of the haunt season him and I were in love and he swore he would get away to be with me.

The following weekend after getting paid from our work as actors, he was at a party Voldemort was throwing to counter the hotel party I was throwing for all my good friends from the cast. When we found out about the other party, we literally had guys from our party go to the house where Jester was and had him say he needed a breath of fresh air just so he could dip out and we could effectively kidnap him.

I had been drinking, smoking weed, and popping painkillers at this party to calm my nerves about finally getting a chance to be with Jester. The last week of the haunt I had gotten a bad viral form of laryngitis and was on antibiotics which I would learn later, made the birth-control pills I was on no longer effective.

After what felt like the longest few weeks of my life I finally bedded Jester. Being so excited to finally have him to myself I had unprotected sex. In the middle of the night, when I went to the bathroom I saw the bottle of antibiotics sitting on the sink with the warning about birth-control and all I could think was, "fuuuuuuuuuck" because in that moment I knew I had gotten pregnant, and I was right.

And he was everything I had ever wanted. I convinced my mother to let him move in with me. Voldemort put out a missing person's report even though she knew where he was because she was that insane. According to Jester, it was in November of 2010 that she began to claim she was four weeks pregnant with his child.

Jester, now David, and I made our relationship "Facebook official" and all the immature people from the haunted house from ages 15 to 50 had something to say about it. I went to have surgery on a shoulder injury the second week of December just to find out officially that I could not because I was six weeks pregnant. 

This killed me. It was my first pregnancy and I was beyond desperately in love with this man, who seemed beyond desperately in love with me. The issue was he already had a son with someone else that he did not see. He did not have a car, a job, an apartment, or even a GED. I was in a National Criminal Justice Honors Society at Arizona State University, almost finished with my B.S. in Criminology. 

Though it killed me I decided that having an abortion was the right thing to do and David took care of me constantly, but being on top of each other became too much to bare and I asked him if for a few days before the abortion he could stay at a friend's house. In one ugly fight he took all of his clothes, but left his flat screen tv and ps3, while I took a title loan on my car to pay for the procedure.

I called him about coming back since I had to take the initial pill on the 24th of December and he had promised to take care of me. Instead on Christmas day my mother held me as I miscarried on the bathroom floor and Voldemort put up pictures of her and David dressed up, back together, under her Christmas tree.

The pain of this sent me spiraling into abusing painkillers. I still managed to finish college and I moved with my mom to Western North Carolina to get some distance. In October of 2011, Voldemort had a baby girl. This is what we call a trapper keeper- she had been lying to him about being pregnant when I really was. When he thought we were broken up and had no place to go, he went back to her because he wanted to take care of another pregnant woman he felt responsible for. To solidify a place to stay he had sex with her, ultimately tricking him into getting her pregnant.

I was destroyed by the fact that not only had Voldemort finally got me back but now had a baby of her own and I would have to live with the pain of giving up my first pregnancy, which also resulted in me losing my car. Years later David left Voldemort, got a good job and apartment, and apologized to me.

We got back together for a summer when I moved back to Phoenix to be with him again. We had beyond movie magical moments until Voldemort started harassing me again and David did not stop her. David and I got a job working at another haunted house together where Voldemort showed up and after sending me threatening emails and texts, finally got in my face. She told the event staff that I threatened to stab her when I just asked her to stay away from me. I was immediately fired and had to walk in 115 degree heat with no car in full costume.

The love I had for him was overwhelming, but the problems were so beyond painful. This time I started smoking heroin to dull things out. By now I was already half way through my masters degree in Criminology and had gone to the doctors on campus to reach out for help. In dong so, I again found out that David had gotten me pregnant. This time I could not find a job in Phoenix, did not have a car or hardly anything but an apartment I had paid for with financial aid from school that I couldn't afford the rent on alone. My mother was moving to Colorado Springs and offered me a chance to go with her. 

I moved to help my first boyfriend ever who I had been friends with for 12 plus years. He had gotten a DUI and lost his license. He is an army vet with severe PTSD and alcoholism. In exchange for me driving him to school for the month he did not have a license, I was allowed to live on his couch until I got a job and a car. I wanted to keep this pregnancy for sure this time, I made the decision in my heart-- and then it occurred to me that if I had caused the baby some sort of damage from my drug use, I would never forgive myself. My ex paid for my abortion and I paid him back once I got a job which was only a week and a half after the procedure. Unfortunately the pill did not work out well this time and I was hospitalized over night. David apparently never wanted me to leave but never offered to let me move back in with him. Now we have been talking again and he wants me to move back to Arizona and marry him. 

I have no idea what to do....


  1. I think you have to move on, the harassment from his ex probably won't stop if he doesn't stick up for you and she isn't going away if he stays in touch for that child. He's sent you into 2 terrible spirals and doesn't sound like he is making you a better person, but bringing out the bad.

  2. I want to start by saying that it's very impressive that you were able to get your degree considering all of the ups and downs you were going through. That takes a lot of strength and determination and you should be proud of yourself. I agree with anonymous, you should not marry this guy or let him back into your life. I know his ex is probably a nightmare, but it seems like you're laying a lot of blame on her and not giving him any responsibility or fault for how things worked out. He comes off like the victim in all this. I have a hard time buying that she manipulated him into losing his job so he just HAD to move in with her. And maybe she did trap him into a pregnancy, but he's the one who bailed on you when you needed him most only to have unprotected sex with her. In all honesty, I also don't blame her for being hurt or angry. He cheated on her with you and that wasn't right. It should have been your first red flag. Where I think you can show that you are different/better than her is by not getting sucked into his orbit again. It sounds like you have a pattern of dating men who don't treat you well and that you turn to drugs/alcohol to numb the pain. It's time to use whatever resources you can to break that pattern-- whether it's therapy or the support of your loved ones. It sounds like your mom has been there for you through all of this which is great. In the end, if you really care and love yourself, you wouldn't go near someone like him again. Best of luck!

  3. Wow. I'm sorry. There was not one instance where David could be blamed for anything, if we are to believe what you are telling us. The truth is, you want to see it this way where only Voldemort is to blame. Nothing anyone says here is going to change your mind. I'm sorry that you are going to end up with him (for a few years), because it will not work out. No one's words are going to sway you, because you'll just make more excuses for David, because 'we don't know David' or 'we haven't seen the way he is with you...' I do hope that you find some kind of courage to place some blame on David, rather than his ex, or on yourself, but I don't see that in anything that you wrote above. And if you don't find that "anger" and "hurt" towards David, than you have no hopes of choosing another path.

    1. I'm sorry, I realize what I wrote seems rather harsh. I guess I'm just angry at guys like David, who bounce from woman to woman using them. It took a lot of courage to write and share your story, but I hope you are really seeking advice and are considering change.

  4. Wow I am impressed that throughout this ordeal you managed to get your degree, good for you! I am sorry to hear about your situation. Clearly this is a pattern, both with you & with David, & with toxic men.

    Sister, you deserve better. You deserve love & ARE worth it. I hope that you will reach out to get the tools to break this pattern wither that be a support group, rehab, church, etc. Every action & decision we make in life has consequences. Until you take responsibility for your actions you will never kick the demon of drug use & co-dependency to the curb. But if you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready…& so the cycle continues.

    Girl you are SO worth it. Please get the help you need & know I am praying for you. Much love.