Tuesday, February 3, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 5

Guys, I think it's quite possible that this is actually the best season of The Bachelor EVER. And not just because there's a homicidal maniac murderer on the show. We'll get to that in a minute.

Chris Harrison puts in a face at the beginning of the episode to tell the ladies they will be going to Santa Fe, New Mexico for their next series of dates. This is good news, because they will get a little bit of a break from the toxic mold that's slowly killing them in Grey Gardens. Megan (dead dad girl) clearly doesn't know the difference between Mexico and New Mexico, because she says that she can't wait to hang out on the beach. It's a miracle that this girl spells her name right. Megan, if you're reading this:

Once they arrive at their seaside hotel, the girls receive the first date card. iCarly gets the one on one date. Just when I thought Farmer Chris is totally shallow, he goes and surprises me by wanting to spend solo time with the girl with strange eyebrows. I'm kidding. I like Carly. And not only because she's Zack's sister from Desiree's season.
iCarly's brother
Farmer Lame and Carly go to this house where they run into a love guru in the backyard. Poor Carly. This has to be the most awkward first date ever in Bachelor history (thanks for not warning us in advance, Chris Harrison. Learn how to do your job!) This scam artist love guru lady says she's going to help them bring more juiciness into their relationship.  Just when I 'm sure this is just some KY Jelly product placement, she proves me wrong by burning sage around them. Other highlights include rubbing each other's bodies, feeding each other strawberries while blindfolded, stripping each other's clothes off, and straddling each other while breathing into the other person's mouth. Chris for sure had a boner during that part, right? At first, I'm like-- it must be SO weird to do all this in front of the love guru and then I remember, there's an entire camera crew watching. Anyway, love guru tells them to share their greatest dating fear and Chris says it's letting himself fall in love. Carly says it's feeling like she's not worthy of love.

At that moment, Chris looks at her and says "you are worthy" and my ice cold heart melts a tiny bit. I don't know. It just seemed sincere and exactly what sweet little Carly needed to hear in that moment.

Side note, if any of the producers of the show are reading this, I would really love to see the Love Guru be the next bachelorette and for her to end up with Neil Lane. Think about it.

Back at the hotel, Serial Killer Kelsey tells the girls that "on the most beautiful day in Austin" her husband "Sanderson Poe" dropped dead. She shows about as much emotion talking about her dead husband as I do talking about the taste of oatmeal. The woman can't even remember what killed him. Just as she's stuttering to remember, I think--- well, maybe it's some super complicated scientific term like coronocularvascularatrophy. No. It's congestive heart failure.

I think we can all agree that Kelsey put untraceable poison in Sanderson Poe's coffee that morning. She killed him. She totally killed him. They can't even do season 2 Serial on this story, because it would be like super obvious from the first episode that SHE. KILLED. HIM. Meanwhile, Virgin Ashley thinks the craziest part of this story is that Kelsey waited five weeks to tell everyone. What kind of person waits to play the tragic dead husband card that late into the season? Everyone knows you pull that shit out by episode 3. Just ask Juelia. 

Back on the one on one date, Carly admits to dating a guy for two years who didn't touch her. So, he was gay. It's okay Carly, it happens to the best of us. Watching Chris and Carly on the rest of their date is like observing normal people having a totally normal conversation. She's cool and articulate and has the demeanor of a peppy cartoon character*. She's also now totally my favorite which means she will lose, because the girl I like NEVER wins. BUT I still have hope that she could be the frontrunner to be the next bachelorette.
Carly's twin.
At the group date, the ladies all show up in matching leggings to go white water rafting. Some random guy shows up and says "if you fall off the boat, you're gonna die." Meanwhile, Megan dum- dum head says she's afraid of alligators and dead bodies in the river. Although, she is on the group date with Kelsey so there probably are dead bodies in the river. I bet that guy who told them they'd get swept away by the water was murdered off camera by Kelsey. Also, I think Suge Knight is innocent and Kelsey mowed that guy down in her car.

The white water rafting is pretty uneventful except for when Jade falls into the river and Farmer Lame has to rescue her. Apparently, she has this weird disorder where she gets super cold easily (uh, yeah-- that's called being female) and Chris has to rub her joints to get the blood circulating again. Crisis averted and Jade survives. The best part about this whole thing is that Kelsey is all kinds of jealous that she didn't get her feet rubbed and starts making all these crazy cackling sounds that reverberate in the mountains. I know we all thought that was done through the magic of editing, but I researched it and that's really how she sounds. Also, when the sun goes down, she turns into this:
All kinds of drama takes place on the nighttime portion of the group date when Drunk Jordan shows up uninvited. She drove all the way here from Colorado, because.... she has no recollection of getting kicked off the show since she got black out drunk that night. She has so many regrets and wants another chance with Chris. And since there's nothing more dramatic than a hot girl crashing a group date, Farmer Chris decides to let her stay. 

In a predictable move, all the other women are FURIOUS that Jordan is here on this date. But no one is more mad than Virgin Ashley. Not only is she pissed that Jordan showed up after she blew her chance with Chris, but she's mad that all the other girls are being nice to her.  She's literally like "we shouldn't be nice to Jordan!" and says that anyone who really wants to be with Chris would be mean to her. Ugh, Ashley-- save it for your burn book back at the hotel. She and Whitney nearly come to passive aggressive blows about the Cuban Jordan Crisis, but Farmer Chris comes off looking like a hero when he sends Jordan home.  I'm bummed. I wanted to see all the ladies heads explode after he gave her the group date rose, but that didn't happen. Hopefully Jordan went straight to the hotel bar, drank her sorrows away, danced on a stool, took her top off, made out with a camera guy, went skinny dipping, ate a pizza, twerked on the concierge desk, passed out on a sofa in the lobby, and woke up in a pile of her own throw up to cheer herself up. 

So, sure-- Jordan is not wife material. But neither is this cunt.
Virgin Ashley = CUNT
Back the hotel, we learn two things about Britt. #1 She hasn't showered for seven days. Hmmmm. The last time I didn't shower for seven days, I was ten years old at Camp Koinonia and was too embarrassed for anyone in my cabin to see me naked. I still take my underwear off under a towel in the gym locker room, but this isn't about me.

#2 Britt is terrified of heights. So when the one on one date card arrives and says "the sky is the limit" she starts freaking out. She's more upset than Kelsey was while discussing the tragic death of her husband.

The group date ends when Chris gives Whitney the rose. Good. I like Whitney. Even her high-pitched squeaky voice is starting to take on a sexy Joey Lauren Adams quality. But Virgin Ashley is NOT okay with this. Bitch is a serious drama queen. She starts crying and says in her interview that while they were rafting, she looked at Whitney and thought "I don't need to worry about THAT." I hate this girl with every fiber of my being. And she looks like a two dollar hooker in that skimpy white dress. I am 100% convinced she has boned a ton of guys and got that virgin surgery to have her hymen reconstructed, so that she could have a good "story" on The Bachelor. I love when she tries to get Teen Mom on her side and she's like "Whitney is really nice and cool, you're insane. Wanna look at pictures of my son Kale?"

Prince Farming's one on one date with Britt starts in the middle of the night, so he decides he should sneak into the hotel and wake her up. In a totally dick move, he shushes Smurfette (AKA Carly) when he enters the room and starts making out with Britt while the other girls are trying to sleep. This really upsets Carly for the rest of the episode, because A. She doesn't think she's worthy of love. B. The guy who pressed his boner against her a couple days ago, just told her to shut the fuck up and then made out with another girl. And C. SHE DOESN'T THINK SHE'S WORTHY OF LOVE!!!!

When Chris sees Britt, he says she's just as beautiful in the morning as she is during the day. This is true. Because Britt sleeps with a full face of make-up on which is trashy even by Bachelor standards. Also, Britt's backpack was a huge red flag in the premiere episode, but now she's wearing red pants, a black and hot pink flannel, and red converse? Who does this bitch think she is, Katy Perry? Chris and Britt go on a hot air balloon ride and she doesn't get scared at all. No shaking. No tears. No "I don't think I can do this" as Chris says "I got you, I'm here, this is a metaphor for love and hardship." They just laugh and make out while the balloon floats around. So..... this girl knows how to play the game. She has no fear of heights. She fears nothing. She just told the producers that because she knows it's a prerequisite for getting on the show.

After the balloon ride, they go back to Chris's hotel and have sex. No, seriously. They went back to his hotel and had sex. There was at least oral involved, but I think there was full on penetration. Meanwhile, back at the house, the other ladies are appalled b/c Britt said she's not ready to get married and have kids. THAT FUCKING BITCH. Clearly, she has no soul and doesn't deserve to have a vagina.

When Britt returns, she tells the ladies she went back to Chris's hotel room and they took a nap together. Let's just hope that Britt showers after sex. I could get way more graphic than that, but I'm going to keep it classy and not use phrases like spooge for days and jizzy underwear.

This is the straw that breaks the camel's back for Kelsey. If Britt took a "nap" with Farmer Chris, then it's time she marched to his hotel room and one-upped Britt's slice of vagina pie with an amazing story about her dead husband. Watching Kelsey tell Chris about the day her husband died chills me to the bone. She barely cries. She keeps saying "it was the most beautiful day in Austin" (side note, it's like pretty much always sunny in Austin in May, right? Why is this detail relevant? It's not like it was January in New York. She killed him.) After she tells Chris that her husband dropped dead, she makes out with him. And then proceeds to give the creepiest interview in all of Bachelor history.

She says, "Isn't my story amazing? Tragic but amazing!" with the biggest smile on her face. Girl, why don't you just come out with it and say you would be the perfect candidate to be the next Bachelorette? The whole thing is just very unsettling. And that's why I've put my house on the market and rented an office in Austin to start my own private eye firm, so I can investigate Sanderson Poe's untimely death and prove it was Kelsey, with the candlestick, in the study.

Cocktail party time. Chris arrives and references the emotional conversation he had with Kelsey, then gets all choked up and runs away. Um, because he's super scared she's going to murder him. And like, no matter what he does--- he's dead. If he marries her, she'll kill him. If he doesn't give her a rose, she'll kill him. He's totally fucked.

Chris Harrison makes a surprise cameo, when he comes out to tell the ladies the cocktail party is cancelled. Naturally, everyone loses their shit but Kelsey's feeling really confident. She thinks the talk with Chris made him realize he needs to send home the women he's not feeling it with. She says that she doesn't want to have to say good bye to anyone, but that she's definitely not going home. And that's when Virgin Ashley has her 30th meltdown of the episode, because it's SO unfair that Kelsey's dead husband story is so much better than her "I surgically had my hymen reconstructed" story. I'm serious. She's jealous that Kelsey's husband died. She's the worst person in the world. She's even worse than Kelsey and Kelsey murdered her own husband.

The weirdest part about this whole Kelsey/cocktail party scene is that Britt keeps seductively rubbing her shoulder and that's when it hits me....

These two are pulling some sort of Wild Things scam on Chris! If Britt wins, she will disappear and show up in a motel room where Kelsey's staying and they will pop champagne and make out and talk about all the ways they will spend the money they get from pawning Britt's Neil Lane diamond engagement ring! I knew it!

When Britt says "nice pumps" to Kelsey, it's code for "they're totally buying it!" But Kelsey is not convinced and begins to worry she may not get a rose after all. So, she does what every unstable, psychotic, serial killer, sociopath would do--- she starts writhing on the ground and screaming like crazy. She calls it a panic attack, but I know what it really is. An Emmy-award winning worthy performance.
And now, I will end this post exactly like the show ended.



  1. So funny. I was waiting for Kelsey to describe the weather again when she was telling chris her "amazing" story! What like, people don't die on beautiful sunny days? Shocking. Just shocking. Would it be less dramatic if it was raining? She has mental problems. I think Kelsey and stalker Nick from Andy's season should hook up. Then they can be obsessed with each other and have little stalker babies. Perfect.

  2. I honestly feel like Kelsey murdered her husband specifically so she could go on the Bachelor with a tragic amazing story. And she's like I know exactly how I'll tell it. "it was a beautiful and sunny day in Austin when Sanderson Poe dropped dead."

    1. I do too!!! She did meet him when she was nineteen so maybe she felt like she needed to see the world and he was just getting in her way. I predict there's an episode of Snapped in her future....

  3. Hello! I think Chris totally left the Rose Ceremony in panic because he was guilty and couldn't look at any of the ladies in the face after having had sex with Britt! Agreed?

    1. OMG, good call! I didn't even think of that. You are totally right.

  4. Oh my gosh, I laughed out loud so many times while reading this. I had to replay the part when Megan said "I've never been out of the country before" in reference to their jaunt in New Mexico a few times, just to make sure she actually said it. Also, it made me sad when iCarly said she felt like she had to be told she was beautiful by a man in order to believe it was true :( I hope she can feel beautiful from within one day!

    1. I think Carly might be a contender for the bachelorette.