Tuesday, February 10, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

I think we can all agree this was literally the most anticipated episode of television since The Sex and the City finale. It was also-- hands down-- the best episode in bachelor history. I mean, I have no words to describe it. Who am I kidding? I have like 10,000 words to describe it. The show picks up exactly where it left off last week with Kelsey writhing on a dirty floor in the throes of a very fake panic attack. I've seen porn stars make more convincing heavy breathing sounds than Special K. As some medic lady (who I guess is just standing by?) tries to help her, Kelsey talks about store bought brownies and how she should definitely get a rose tonight. And then she requests more time with Farmer Chris. In a shocking twist, she is not carted away in a strait jacket.

Requesting more time with the bachelor is a worse crime than killing a puppy on this show. Kelsey spends all of thirty seconds with Chris explaining her panic attack and admitting she was just really overwhelmed that her dead husband story did a number on him. In all fairness, I know that Kelsey is totally cray, BUT it was kind of a dick move of Chris to make some vague pronouncement about their conversation and send all the ladies into a paranoid frenzy. But don't be fooled. Farmer Lame loves to play with people's emotions. Anyway, Chris tells her everything will be okay and she saunters back into the room with the other girls and giggles about her panic attack.

In a move that surprises no one, Trashley Virgin loses her shit that Kelsey got extra time with Chris and that she might not get a rose because of it. She's literally like "are we sure her husband is really dead? Do you have the paperwork to prove it?" Um, I would like to see some paperwork to prove that you are actually a virgin. And by paperwork, I mean medical records showing your history of sexually transmitted diseases.

Kelsey does end up getting a rose, but Samantha and Mackenzie are sent home. Samantha has literally not spoken a word this season and she's been on SIX episodes. According to one of the other girls, Sam's also had some really bad stuff happen to her, but didn't use her tragic past as a way to get screen time. Okay, then she's stupid because what's the point of having bad stuff happen to you if you can't go on The Bachelor and exploit it for roses??  Teen Mom cries when she gets sent home, because she wanted a few more days where she could pretend she wasn't a single mom raising a child named after a leafy green.There's nothing worse than a twenty-one year old who decries all the pain and rejection she's had in her life and says she's going to give up on love and dating. Oh sweetie, you've got at least ten more years of that in your future.

The next stop on the Boring City Express is Deadwood, South Dakota. I blame the Disney box office flops of John Carter and The Lone Ranger for these budget cuts. We're halfway through the season and we've seen no European or Asian cities? Where are the obligatory scenes of Farmer Chris and his date dancing with locals and trying exotic foods? Were these girls warned ahead of time that they'd only be visiting fly over states? What's next-- going to a podunk farm town in Iowa? Yes, in fact that's next week's episode.

The trip to Deadwood starts with a completely unnecessary montage of Prince Farming doing an old timey photo shoot, while hanging out naked in a tin bath tub. I'm not really into conspiracy theories, but I think ABC has been plotting with the government to kill all of our lady boners with this shit. I never thought I would say this, but... bring back Juan Pablo.

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and Becca gets the first one on one date card. To refresh your memory, Becca is virgin #2 and also the only girl who hasn't contracted lip herpes because she hasn't kissed Chris. Crazy Kel is FURIOUS that she didn't get the one on one. She earned it! She killed her husband! She faked a panic attack! She has great cheek bones and knows how to wear a scarf! fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Becca and Chris's date is so boring and calm and sweet that I don't really have much of anything to say about it. Here are a few observations: they make a really pretty American Eagle Outfitter kind of couple. Becca looks exactly like Jamie Lynn Spears. Becca has perfect teeth and glorious hair. They ride horses. They have really good chemistry. I could totally see her in Iowa. They finally kiss. She still didn't tell Chris that she's never had her vadge tapped. Chris's laugh rivals Bob Guinney's laugh for most annoying laugh in Bachelor history. Becca gets a rose and white America rejoices. This picture really says it all:
This is like one of those photos that comes with a picture frame
Back at the house, the girls bond the way all women bond: by discussing another woman they hate. Carly Cruise singer, Whitney Squeaky Voice, and Kaitlyn all agree that Kelsey totally sucks. But apparently, they don't hate her for murdering her husband in cold blood. They just don't like that she's so fake. They decide to confront her and instead of being defensive, evil genius Kelsey keeps her cool, gets choked up and tries to explain the crazy away. She says she's never had a panic attack in her life. Sooooo.... your husband drops dead and you don't panic. You worry you may not get a rose and..... you're rolling on the ground hyperventilating and screaming about brownies. Yeah, that seems about right.

Special K keeps it together in front of the girls, but she doesn't like being ganged up on. While being interviewed, she says the girls hate her because she's been blessed with eloquence, she's articulate, and uses big words. What? The only big word I've heard her use all season is "Sanderson Poe."Anyway, these girls need to check all the stevia in the hotel for traces of ricin and they can't leave any of their drinks unattended. If they do, they will fucking die.

The plot continues to thicken when the group date card arrives and by using the simple process of elimination, the ladies are able to figure out that Crazy Kelsey and Virgin Ashley will be competing for Chris's affection in the infamous 2 on 1 date. Dum-Dum Megan, whose name was on the group date card, literally needs the girls to explain to her that she's not going on the 2 on 1 date. Clearly, she doesn't know how to count and may be borderline mentally challenged. When God was handing out blessings and gave Kelsey eloquence, he gave Megan boobs.

Initially, the group date feels like a giant cock tease before the 2 on 1 date, but some interesting shit actually goes down.  The girls arrive at Deadwood proper where they're greeted by Chris who surprises them with--- wait for it--- Big & Rich? Who? Exactly. I never quite realized how different I was from these girls until I saw the three blond chicks lose their shit when the country version of Hall & Oates showed up.

On that note, I'm about to solve one of life's biggest mysteries. The blond guy is Big and the handlebar mustache guy is Rich.
The ladies learn they will be required to write and perform country songs on this date. Jade the non-virgin is having a lot of trouble with this, because she has spent her entire life getting by on her looks. And she might be totally illiterate. Big decides to cheer her up by making her run through the streets street of Deadwood and yelling that she's going to speak her song. All I have to say is it's so nice to see someone with a penis actually have some personality on this show. The music swells and I want Big and Jade to fall in love and get married.

But Jade's happiness is short-lived, because she sees Britt and Chris making out. All the girls are jealous of Britta filter. It's obvious to them that Britt and Chris have a connection and that Chris is super into her. They're also picking up serious "my penis was inside her vagina" vibes and it's not just because Britt hasn't showered since they boned. If Britt's beautiful face wasn't enough, she also happens to have a really decent singing voice.  Chris has a terrible singing voice. Kaitlyn does a rap that references her pussy. Despite Whitney's high pitched speaking voice, she cannot sing. And then there's Cruise Singer Carly. She's totally in her element on this date. She writes songs. She loves country music. She's actually a really good singer. She drags Chris on stage and sings to him and dare I say... it's kind of beautiful? In the words of Kaitlyn "I want to fall in love for them."

In a world that was fair and just, Carly would totally get the group date rose. But instead Farmer Satan tells Britt he has a surprise for her. They run across the street to a Big & Rich concert where they go on stage and dance and make out. Then Chris very publicly gives her the group date rose. Oh, I hate him. I hate him so much. This is such a burn to the other girls. And if I didn't think he was already the biggest douche bag, it turns out he knows every single word to save a horse, ride a cowboy farm boy by heart. Britt makes some reference to being a country music virgin and it's SO obvious she's just trying to play the virgin card.

It's SUPER awkward when Chris and Britt come back and the other girls see that she has a rose. Chris handles the whole thing extremely well. Just kidding. He starts sweating, stuttering, and mumbling that this is getting really hard, and then is like "peace out, I'm gonna leave you guys here to hash it out." It turns out Britt and Chris were gone for an HOUR. Oh hell no. What did the girls even do for an hour? Look for the rose? Do five minute abs twelve times? Play light as a feather stiff as a board?

If these ladies had any self respect, they would do a mass walk out of the next rose ceremony. When the girls learn that Chris took her to a Big & Rich concert, they get even more upset. Whitney, who LOVES country music, is so upset that Britt got to experience that when she doesn't even like country music. Carly basically falls apart. She said that Chris made her feel like she has to make herself invisible again. The woman serenaded him with a beautiful and heartfelt song on national television. He should automatically give her an engagement ring for that. Even Kaityln the comedian is on the verge of tears and says the girls have all been humiliated. Word.

Britt says she's sorry and Jade says they don't need her empathy. At this point, I'm no joke-- almost crying. I feel their pain. My heart is hurting for them. But then I remember that they are all getting depressed over a knucklehead who has no personality, no morals, and who laughs like a little pussy bitch. And then I feel nothing.

FINALLY. The moment we've been all waiting for. The 2 on 1 date. Generally, contestants hate being on a 2 on 1 date, but these girls are READY. They've been training for this their whole life. They are both ultra-confident that they will use this opportunity to prove to Chris that he needs to give them the rose, because the other chick on the date is either lying about her virginity or lying about how her husband died. Here's the thing-- I know Kelsey is insane. Here's proof:
BUT, I fucking love her so much I can't even take it. I am rooting for her. I want her to destroy Virgin Ashley. It's true. I hate Ashley more than Kelsey. I weirdly totally agree with Kelsey when she does this:
"She's here and I'm here."
Not to mention, she's just great TV. We cannot live without her this season. The show needs her. America needs her. ISIS needs her. Chris Harrison needs her. The separatists in Ukraine need her. But most of all, I NEED HER.

Anyway... the girls will be going to the badlands on their date. Kelsey dresses like she's Indiana Jones's assistant and Ashley dresses like she's going to one of those stripper pole dancing classes. Seriously, honey-- put away that cheesy belly button ring. I know we all miss the 90s, but we need to move on. Chris takes the ladies on a helicopter ride and they land by a giant bed in the middle of nowhere. Ashley claims she has this in the bag, because even though she may be a virgin, she's sexy. Has she looked at her crusty spider leg eyelashes lately? Cause that shit ain't sexy.

In Round One of Ashley VS Kelsey, Virgin and Chris have some private time together and she makes the classic Bachelor mistake by telling Farmer Lame that none of the other ladies in the house like Kelsey and that she's fake. Oh, Ash. How could you do this? Haven't you watched and studied this show for 18 seasons?? How could you not know that the girl who warns the bachelor about another girl always gets fucked and not in the way you want to get fucked? This is basically like telling a man that he's an idiot, he's not perceptive, and that he's easily manipulated. It's emasculating and if there's anything men hate more in the world, it's being told they are not the king of the universe.

Since Farmer Chris has no idea how women operate, he takes Kelsey aside and tells her everything that Ashley said about her. Awwww, this guy is so dumb. Special K tries to defend herself and says she's been real this whole time and that she's hurt, because she actually really likes Ashley (nicely played). And then, in the greatest moment in bachelor history, Kelsey returns from her talk with Chris, sits on the bed next to Ashley and gives her the death stare. Holy shit, if looks could fucking kill. This lasts for like five minutes:
And then she finally says: You don't think I know what you did? Ash tries to deny it and Special K is like "shut your mouth, Chris told me everything!"
the key to stopping ISIS
If Ashley hadn't already dug her grave, she then finds Chris, and drags him by the hand like a misbehaving five year old. Oh, she's toast. She goes into the serious ugly cry and confronts Chris for telling Crazy Kelsey what she said about her. It might seem like Ashley is being a little dramatic, but Chris just put her life in danger. Kelsey is going to track her down and murder the hell out of her.  The best part is when Farmer Chris tells Ashley that Kelsey thinks there's a difference in maturity between them. BAHAHAHA. And Virgin proves him wrong by crying and hiccuping and freaking out. Farmer Lame Face can't deal with the drama, so he's like--- um, after giving it some thought, I think we're in different places in our life and I can't see you living in Iowa. In the most brilliant move ever, Virgin turns to him and says "You think Britt wants that lifestyle?!" She basically calls him a fucking idiot.

It's at this point that my husband says "why did he go out on a double date with these two?" LOL. As though the producers don't decide everything on this show.

In what might be the smartest decision he's ever made in his life, Chris sends Ashley packing. CUT TO the hotel room when the mysterious woman dressed in black walks in and takes Ashley's suitcase. The girls are horrified. How could this happen? Is Chris dumber than Charly in Flowers for Algernon?

Prince Farming goes to Special K and breaks the news about Ashley. She tries to keep a straight face, but you know this is what's happening on the inside:
But then Chris says that he doesn't think Kelsey and him are right for each other and he dumps her too! Back at the house, the mysterious lady dressed in black returns and takes Kelsey's suitcase and then this happens:

Effing hilarious. The ladies literally pop open a bottle of champagne and toast to Kelsey's demise. Too bad she's going to blow up the studio and kill every single one of them during the Women Tell All. Anyway, I have not laughed this hard in a long time. Shit gets even funnier when Chris climbs back into the helicopter and leaves Kelsey and Ashley to fend for themselves in the Badlands. WTF? He doesn't even have the decency to let them go home first? Doesn't he know that Ashley is going to get straight up murdered? This is like No Country for Old Men. Special K is even scarier than this guy:
At this point, when the helicopter takes off and the girls are left behind, I'm laughing so hard, I'm howling. It's maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.  Side note: Was Chris Harrison even in this episode?!

I'm really going to miss Kelsey but luckily, she's being interviewed next week with her side of the story. To quote her: it's going to be a crucifixion. And I can't freaking wait!!!


  1. OMG I am sooooo glad I found this site!! This is hands down the best Bachelor recap I have ever read! And I read a fucking a lot of them today! I was actually reading the comments on another site and one of them brought me here. Anyway, I will continue to look at your recaps from now on! And like you, I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT for the the two night event.

    1. That's so cool! What's the other site/recaps you like to read? Would love to check them out. Honestly, this shit writes itself.

  2. This is so well-written and hilariously on point. Bravo. This was the most entertaining episode I had seen in a while and your recap made it even better, so thank you! Another recap I love to read is on lostangeles.com. Funny shit, as is this. I'll definitely be back for more next week!

  3. This was hilarious! My new favorite blog.