Tuesday, February 24, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

In the most shocking move of the season, this episode kicks off in BALI. As in, Indonesia. As in,  someone finally found some room in this budget to travel overseas. Farmer Chris can't believe he's here and neither can I. Was Fargo, North Dakota unavailable or something?

The first fantasy suite date goes to Kaitlyn. That means her vagina gets christened first! It also means he's going to pass on whatever STDs she has to two other unsuspecting women  (Well, one). On one hand, I kind of love that the girl whose opening line was "you can plow the fuck out of my field any time" or something to that effect has made it this far. On the other hand, it's slim pickings in Iowa and I have to wonder if he's just really excited to get down and dirty with someone who probably doesn't have a gag reflex.

I just don't see C & K together in the long term. I've said it before and I'll say it again-- Farmer Chris is more like that drunken one night stand Kaitlyn has during that one bachelorette weekend her bestie dragged her to in a city like Austin or New Orleans. After a long night of bar hopping, she surprises everyone including herself by hooking up with the sweet preppy boy she'd never date in normal life.

I mean, how could Farmer Chris possibly think that The Girl With the Tricep Tattoos would be happy living in Iowa? I know exactly what will happen if she moves there. Within a week, she will start an affair with the pastor and turn the whole town upside down. And then they will force her to wear a scarlet A around her neck. But it's okay, because the A will probably just stand for Arlington.

At first, it's hard to tell how Chris really feels about Kitty Kait because he literally describes her as "someone he could really see in his life." That is the vaguest statement in the world. In what way? Like as Facebook friends? Is he gonna follow her on Twitter? Are they gonna hang out at Bachelor Nation events? Maybe they'll both be on a season of Bachelor in Paradise?

Anyway, the two of them have the obligatory "we're in a different country" date when they chill with locals and visit some sort of temple and get attacked by monkeys. One of the monkeys even pees on Chris. If you know anything about Bali, then you know the ancient Balinese legend that monkeys only pee on guys they get a serious date rape vibe from. I am not making that up. Check Wikipedia. In a really sad state of affairs, all of these monkeys have now contracted motaba from being around Chris & Kaitlyn.  I feel really bad for them, especially since they will always be in the shadow of the racoon from Bachelor in Paradise.

During the nighttime portion of their date, Tricep Tattoo and Farmer Bland talk about how good they feel about each other. She says she doesn't have one negative feeling about things (um, how about the fact that he's got two other people he's hooking up with? Minor minor detail). They get a fantasy suite date card from Chris Harrison (who really has not been pulling his weight this season. Jimmy Kimmel got more screen time than the guy) Farmer asks Kaitlyn if she wants to spend the night in the fantasy suite together and she basically says:
I'm pretty sure this girl packed anal beads and butt plugs in her overnight bag. They go into the fantasy suite and I'm not gonna lie, I REALLY want to soak in a bathtub filled with rose petals once in my lifetime. Just once. Since Kaitlyn knows how to play this game if she wants to be one step closer to being The Bachelorette, she tells Farmer Lame that she's falling in love with him. Apparently (and I missed it, cause I'm in a DVR-less hotel room) he says he's falling in love with her too. Initially, this seems revolutionary because the bachelor NEVER says the L word, but then throughout the course of the episode he says the same thing about the two other women. SO... it means NOTHING.

Whitey Whitney gets the next fantasy suite date which basically means she's toast. Everyone knows the woman who gets the middle sex date never ever ever wins. In almost all cases, the last vagina always takes it. However... we all know that Becca is a virgin and will not put out, so little does Chris know this is the last punani he's going to tap throughout his journey. Whitney may win this whole thing by default. Their date is extremely boring. They go on a boat ride and Whitney tries to do some damage control since her sister said she wouldn't give Farm Face her blessing to propose. She pretty much calls her sister a heartless cunt who eats babies and tortures puppies. Chris assures her that it is not a deal breaker, because the man is going to say anything to get his dick wet.

I will say that Whitney really puts out all the stops with the outfits this week. Her body is ridiculous in that bikini and that lime green dress is all kinds of gorgeous on her. She's like the Cate Blanchett of The Bachelor. During their dinner, Chris brings up the elephant in the room: his piece of shit hometown otherwise known as Arlington, Iowa. Guys, there are 500 people in Iowa. Um, that's the same amount of people that were in my graduating class in high school. Are these women told by the producers to build fake suspense on the show? Cause Whitney takes the most roundabout way to say she'd LOVE to live in Arlington. She starts out by saying she never thought she'd live in a place so small, that she's worked SO hard to get to where she is in her career and then she literally says: "I would be ready to just have babies. That would be my career."

What. the. fuck.

Look, I get that being a mother is amazing and hard and the most important thing a lot of women will do with their lives, but it's only a career if someone is paying you a salary to do it. Honestly, I'm so sick and tired of this whole "would you be cool living in a town of 500 people, 498 of which are members of the KKK." To that I will respond the same way I responded on Twitter:

The only woman in the world who could see herself living in Arlington is....
Another Chris Harrison fantasy suite invite arrives and for once I wish he'd throw in a couple of surprises-- like they have to have a threesome with Crazy Ashley S or that instead of going to the fantasy suite he's inviting them to a séance to bring back the ghost of Sanderson Poe.

Nurse Whitney tries to act all virtuous by saying that she's been thinking about this a lot and then is like... LET'S DO THIS. Whitney's been preparing for this night for weeks. She's probably been doing kegel exercises all day and all night. She is going to rock Chris's world. Whitney, in the fantasy suite:
I'm worried for Whitney though. Yes, she's got a gorgeous body and everything, but if that's her normal voice, then think about what her baby talk sex voice might sound like? Does it sound like she just inhaled a bunch of helium? Despite the fact that Whitney is probably the perfect woman for Farmer Chris, I get the feeling he's just humoring her. Personally, I don't really buy that Farmer Boring is into any of these women. I'm willing to bet during sex with Whitney and Kaitlyn he closed his eyes and thought about Britt the whole time.

Finally, time for Becca's date. After weeks of "dating", she plans to tell Chris that she's a virgin. I get that it's personal and I respect that she didn't tell him right out of the gate like Ashley Kardashian, but I also can't help but feel she kept it to herself because she knew she might get the ax. But since it's the fantasy suite date, the time has come to break the news that she's still got a hymen.

Their daytime date is spent hanging out with some Balinese gurus who tell them they should make love tonight. To some less savvy viewers, this might seem like a crazy coincidence. But to those of us who are a little more well-informed about the inner-workings of a television show, it's clear that when this scene is over, this man with the turban is going to walk into a trailer where a team of make-up people are going to peel off all the prosthetics and reveal that he's just Chris Harrison in disguise.  He is, after all, the international man of mystery.

During the dinner portion of their date, Becca wear an outfit straight out of-- you know what. I'm not gonna do that to you guys. I'm not going to waste your time or my time recapping anything about this part of the date other than her telling Chris that she's a virgin. The show made us wait forever for it, but I won't stoop to their level.

Becca accepts the fantasy suite date and as soon as she and Chris are sitting down and drinking champagne, she says there's something really important about her that Chris needs to know. Chris is panicked. He's thinking-- does she have a child? Was she married before? Does she have a flesh-eating virus? Is her father an alien that she speaks to through a crystal cube and she can freeze time by putting her index fingers together? WHAT IS IT?! She finally says "I'm a virgin" and you can see Chris's brains explode inside his head. He sighs like three times. His penis cries inside his pants. The condoms in his back pocket literally grow legs and walk away. Chris Harrison sends him a text that says: Sucks 2 B U.

I sincerely think he would have reacted better if Becca told him she was HIV positive. It's SO incredibly awkward and Becca's like "I'm so relieved, that went SO great!" She's blind right? She's like the first blind contestant on the history of The Bachelor? How could she think that went great? She spends the night anyway and I'm assuming they dry humped or spooned all night or did this:
The next day, Chris is really confused about what to do. Apparently, in the morning, Becca and Chris talked about their relationship more and she said that she's not in love with him yet and doesn't want to move to Arlington right away. Holy shit, she's actually a sane human being?!?! How can Chris let her stay on the show?? We get a lot of long scenes of Becca strolling on the beach and Chris looking out at the waves as they both contemplate their relationship or what they are going to order off of the room service menu for lunch.

Farmer Dumb is so confused about all of this that Chris Harrison is paged for an emergency therapy session and flown in from Vietnam where he was visiting this chick:

Their conversation begins with Chris (the farmer, not the TV host) saying he's so confused about what to do and he's not ready to send three girls home. Their conversation ends with Chris saying he's so confused about what to do and he's not ready to send three girls home. Clearly this means that Chris had always planned to have Becca meet his family but the whole virgin thing has really thrown him for a loop and now he's wondering if he should introduce his third choice to his mom and dad.

Rose Ceremony time. Just to further humiliate everyone on this show, the rose ceremony takes place at a holy ground where you can't show affection except to hold hands. Everyone is wearing traditional Balinese garb (or at least that's what I think it is?) and seeing Chris Harrison in this get up basically makes all of my dreams come true. He can never change out of those clothes. No, seriously. I want him conducting the Women Tell All in that exact same outfit next week.

Farmer Chris is still super stressed out and takes Becca aside for a private discussion. She knows she's got some 'splainin to do so she totally back pedals and says she's super open to living in the Footloose town and there are other things they can do than have sex. Like butt play. (Forgot to mention that earlier Chris said that he could tell after his fantasy suite date that Becca is a passionate person-- that means there was a BJ involved fo sho).

Back at the rose ceremony, Whitey and Tricep Tattoos are practically giddy because they believe this means Virgin Becca is going to get sent home. I think she is too. But then, Tricep Tattoo gets really over confident and says that she's excited this means she gets to take the next step with Chris and meet his family. Oh no. She actually says: This is Chris's world and it's whatever makes him happy. Dude, these chicks are starting to sound like the Manson women. Chris returns with Becca. He gives her a rose. He gives squeaky voice a rose. He sends Kaitlyn home.
I'm not a mind reader, but I'm pretty sure she's thinking: We had sex doggy style in front of a mirror and now you're sending me home?! FUCK YOU.

Toldja- they were just a one night stand. 

Chris makes all these stupid empty apologies and Kaitlyn (who silver lining, has never looked prettier) is literally speechless. She doesn't say a single word except at the very end where she cries in his arms at the thought of getting in the limo and talking about getting dumped. BUT, I think there's a VERY good chance that Kaitlyn will be the next bachelorette. I was rooting for iCarly, but she might be better suited for one of those Bachelor in Paradise spin offs.

So once again, the "virgin" claimed victory over the "whore." This upsets me and makes me hate Chris, but... I also have a theory about him. I think he's a total mama's boy who can't make a single decision without the approval of his family. That's why he's never left Arlington. That's why he sent Jade home. And that's why he just wanted to bone The Girl With the Tricep Tattoos and not bring her home to mom.

Until next week's Women Tell All episode. I think it's pretty safe to say it will be the most dramatic one in bachelor history. Can't wait to see all the ladies freak out over this guy:

2 comments:

  1. Hahahahah!! Love this recap. Not only is it hilarious ("instead of going to the fantasy suite he's inviting them to a séance to bring back the ghost of Sanderson Poe") but such good points: I didn't think about the whole "virgin" claiming victory over the "whore" scenario. (Also, Whitney's comment about being "ready to just have babies" grated on my ears. WTF indeed.)

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  2. A M A Z I N G Recap! can't wait for the Women Tell All one to come out!!

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