Okay, now for episode #7. The show kicks off with a cocktail party. Megan (AKA the dumb one, which is really saying a lot among this bunch) decides to tell Old MacDonald that she senses their relationship isn't moving as quickly as the other girls. he's like: totes and decides to send her home. These rose ceremonies must be some kind of hellish if a woman is like "please just dump me now!" He sends her away and she rides off in a short yellow school bus. She has to go down in history as the only contestant to get the season's first one on one date, only to go out with a whimper. Chris Harrison delivers the devastating news that even though Farmer Chris abandoned two women in the Badlands and sent another one away pre-rose ceremony, there's still going to be a mothereffing rose ceremony.
These girls literally look like they are going to go into convulsions and start foaming at the mouth. They're acting like they've just been told they're going to be herded into a gas chamber. Can someone get me a first hand account of how awful it is getting through a rose ceremony? Is it basically like telling them they're going to be stuck there for another 12 hours? Anyway, Prince Farming decides to be a hero and call off the rose ceremony. It turns out, he likes all these girls enough to keep them around for one more week and fly them out to the very beautiful and exotic... Des Moines, Iowa. Holy crap, these chicks have gone to New Mexico, South Dakota, and Iowa and next episode is hometowns?!? What a total rip off.
The best part of this sequence is when Chris says they're going to God's Country and you just know Britt wants to be like: OMG, we're going to Vegas!?!
Jade the non-Virgin gets the first one on one date in Iowa and the ladies learn she's going to be the first person to visit Chris's hometown of Arlington. Everyone takes this to mean she's in first place to be Mrs. Farmer and they're all super bummed about it. Jade goes on a three hour car ride to Arlington and guys... this town blows. There's literally NOTHING to do. To quote Jade, it's a ghost town. The freaking super market went out of business. Does Amazon even deliver to this place? There's no bank. The one bar in town shut down. The coffee shop is just some random resident who gets up at 5am to make free coffee for people. Do you realize what this means? Those local women at the season premiere actually drove for at least an hour to get those terrible haircuts.
You can tell Jade is like "Oh HELL no" but she tries her best to play it cool and pretend that all she's ever wanted in life is to be someone's wife and sip tea on a porch all day and work on jigsaw puzzles. I just want to know if anyone has checked the local jail, because it's very possible the Brady Bunch is still stuck in there.
Later, when Jade recounts her kiss with Chris on the football field, Britt bursts into tears. Bahahahahaha. There's nothing more satisfying than watching the hot girl who thought she had this in the bag, slowly unravel. It's bringing me so much joy. Since Whitney gets the next one on one date, the other ladies decide to take a road trip to Arlington, Iowa to see what fresh hell awaits them if they end up married to Chris.
Whitey, I mean Whitney and Chris's one on one date kicks off at an art gallery in Des Moines. Chris gets them a camera so they can take pictures of their love story through the most romantic city in the world. They actually seem super believable as a couple and she's quickly becoming one of my favorite contestants. Even her high-pitched voice has grown on me. During the nighttime portion of their date, three of Chris's best friends (AKA the button down gang) show up to grill Whitney. She handles it like a pro, but it's like watching one of those really awkward group interviews.
Once the dudes leave, Whitey tells Male Whitey that her hometown date is going to be a little different because she's an orphan. Her dad has never been in her life and her mom died tragically ten years ago after getting a blood clot during a routine operation (AKA my greatest fear). Poor Whitney! Farmer Sweet cheers her up by taking her outside and showing her a mural of one of their photos from earlier that day painted on a wall. Awww shit. This is actually super romantic. It reminds me of THIS:
|Pacey and Joey forever!!!!|
When the girls fill Whitney and Jade in on their trip, Britta Filter says that as they were driving away and she watched the sunset, she realized she could totally see herself living in beautiful Arlington forever. Yeah, and I would totally love to go live in the Gaza strip. Both Carly and Kaitlyn are shocked, because apparently Britt said to them that she could never ever see herself living in Arlington. This puts Britt in the dreaded "fake" category.
So during the group date with Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt (ice-skating, totally not relevant) iCarly takes Chris aside and tells him that Britt is full of shit and that she flat out told them she could never live in Arlington. This comes right after Britta filter has gushed to Farmer Chris that all she wants to do is move to Iowa and give birth to babies. Farmer Stupid is really taken aback by all of this and says it felt like a bomb had been dropped on him. Carly is totally my hero for putting Britt on blast. I think she knows she's not getting a rose anyway and now all she wants is to take Britt down with her.
Shit gets even more amazing when Chris decides to give the group date rose to Kaitlyn to calm her fears about where they are in their relationship and Britt totally loses it. Oh boy. Rule #1 in a relationship is to hide the crazy for as long as possible and Britt just let her crazy flag fly. She pretty much loses her shit as she says that she wants to be #1 and wants a husband who will put her first, blah blah blah. And how could he give Kaitlyn the rose.
|Oh, how the mighty have fallen|
The episode ends with KC Undercover telling the rest of the girls that Britt dug her own grave and there's NO way Farmer Chris is going to give her a rose. She's DONE. Their confidence has me a little scared, because I'm pretty sure Britt's blow job lips can talk their way out of anything, but we shall see in....
Really? You're still going to put us through a one on one date with Chris and Becca? Watching these two converse is about as much fun as plucking my pubic hairs one by one. Which-- for the record, I don't do. We learn that although Becca was in an off and on relationship for four years, she's never been in love. Farmer Charming takes Becca up to the rooftop of his loft and they make out and then the date ends which is great because NO ONE GIVES TWO FUCKS.
Britt tells the ladies that she's decided that she's going to go home before the rose ceremony. Like I said, these rose ceremonies must be truly awful. The ladies see right through Britt. iCarly says that Britt likes to make these declarations, but never follows through with them. It's clear to everyone with two eyes and a tiny brain that Britt has a sneaking suspicion she's about to get dumped, so she wants to be the one to cut bait first. Or that she at least wants to feel out where she stands with Farmer Cow Poo and if she gets the sense that it's a no-go, she's going to dramatically bid him good bye in her last ditch effort to be the next bachelorette.
But then, Chris Harrison arrives and drops a bombshell on the ladies. There will be NO cocktail party tonight. WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!? What's next ABC? Are you going to give each of the girls hysterectomies?
Just as the rose ceremony begins, Britt asks Chris if they can have some time alone to talk. Oh no. I'm basically having a panic attack at this point, because I'm SO scared she's going to seduce him with her hot rose pink lipstick and very liberal use of liquid eyeliner. But Chris isn't having it. He calls her out on lying about how she felt about Arlington and she's like "No! Remember? The sunset. I loved the sunset! I want to live there!" She then asks him who ratted her out so she can stick a horse's head in their bed and Chris says "does it make a difference?" Oh snap. When she asks if it was Carly, he says that Carly has conducted herself exactly the way he would want his wife to and she hasn't.
Side note, I love that wives are expected to conduct themselves in a certain way. I conduct myself in a "do the god damn dishes" kind of way.
Side note #2, I really miss Kelsey.
Britt takes this as her cue to leave, hugs Chris good bye, and then proceeds to ball her eyes out and practically collapse on a lawn full of fallen autumn leaves. This might be the first time I've loved Farmer Boring all season.
iCarly sums it up the best when she says "the prettiest girl in the room who's always gotten what she wants now knows what it's like to be a normal person. How does it feel?" PLEASE TV gods, please make Carly the next bachelorette.
And even though Carly conducted herself exactly like a wife should, she does not get a rose tonight to the surprise of pretty much no one. Since there was a lot to cram into this episode, ABC kept the hometown dates pretty darn brief. Some quick highlights:
#1 Chris goes to Shreveport, Louisianna to meet Becca's family. Up until this very moment, I thought she was the best dressed girl on the show, but then she wears a top that was literally made out of a table cloth from The Regal Beagle. PROOF:
There are definitely some donuts out there that are more exciting than sex, so I will not argue with Becca's sister on that one. And while I found Becca perfectly harmless and boring through this whole episode, THIS happened and she instantly becomes one of my favorites:
@theblowoff no one is EVER disappointed to get donuts. Sex or no sex.
— Becca Tilley (@beccatilley5) February 17, 2015
Confession: then this tweet happened.
@kayciajustice hmmm, maybe people that go on reality TV to find husbands shouldn't be role models for 13 year olds. just sayin
— the blowoff (@theblowoff) February 17, 2015
After meeting her family, Chris takes Becca on a ferris wheel and though it's a page right out of The Notebook, she decides that she's falling in love with him.
#2 Chris travels to Chicago to meet Whitney's
Whitey's aunt and uncle and sister are perfectly nice, though her sister refuses to give Chris her blessing to propose to Whitney. We're supposed to treat this like it's a hateful reaction. Even my husband is like "how could she??" but I think it's a totally reasonable response. She's like, call me when you know for sure she's the one you want to marry and you'll have my blessing then. Spoken like a true sane person.
My favorite moment from this episode was when Whitney brought out a bottle of $$$ wine she purchased in Napa to one day share with her future husband. I REALLLLLY don't think she should be sharing that with Chris, BUT it's a sweet gesture and solidifies her as my fave.
#3 Chris goes to Phoenix, Arizona to meet Kaitlyn's family. Okay, these two make about as much sense together as oreo cookies dipped in sriracha. They're more like the one night stand you have on vacation with someone you would normally NEVER date in your regular life. And to prove that point, Kaitlyn takes him to a recording studio so they can do a rap together. It's the lady boner killer of the century. Poor MC Farmer cannot rap to save his life. Even Kaitlyn can't really rap so I'm not even sure what the point of this date is.
K's family is perfectly nice and unmemorable. The main thing I'm confused by is that one of her parents is NOT Asian, because I was convinced she was bi-racial. When her mom takes her aside to ask her how she feels about Chris, she keeps saying that "she hearts him." What is this, a Taylor Swift song circa 2009? I tell bank tellers and Verizon Wireless employees that I heart them. Find a stronger adjective to describe your feelings! Or maybe a billboard with a giant heart on it. No, for reals. When Chris and Kaitlyn are saying good night, she points out a giant billboard that says Kaitlyn hearts Chris.
#4 Chris goes to Omaha, Nebraska to meet Jade's family. They are all completely baffled by Chris's description of their sister and daughter as a person with "values." They keep calling Jaded a "free spirit" and a "wild mustang" when she's been about as innocent and reserved as this all season:
When Jade finally bites the bullet and confesses her Playboy past to Chris, things get pretty awkward. Look, I actually don't blame the guy for being surprised. This was, after all, the woman he had a Cinderella themed date with. There has been no reason for him to think there's a video of her getting naked on the internet. If the whole revelation wasn't shocking enough, Jade shows him the photos and the video. She kind of has to so he can get the scope of the whole thing.
We interrupt this program to let you know that my Twitter fight rages on:
@kayciajustice Just curious then, do you consider @ashleyiaco a role model for your 13 year old daughter too?After turning into a sweaty mess, Chris tries to recover from learning that his sweet innocent Jade is actually a naked wild Playboy mustang. He tells her that the pictures and video don't change how he feels about her and though I think he just plans to dump her once they've boned in the fantasy suite, you can see the sense of relief flood her face. BUT...
— the blowoff (@theblowoff) February 17, 2015
She doesn't get a freaking rose. I was wrong. It's literally between Becca (the virgin) and Jade (the "whore") and Chris Harrison comes out and says "Ladies, it's the final rose of the night" and Chris gives it to BECCA. Look, I'm about 110% positive that the naked pictures totally did Jade in. It's such BS when Chris says his other relationships were moving faster. He has about zero chemistry with Kaitlyn and they have nothing in common. And in episode #7 he introduced Jade to his parents and I literally witnessed the moment he fell in love with her. This sucks. And Farm Boy is totally going to regret it when he learns he's not going to get laid on one out of three of his fantasy suite dates. Do you guys think the naked pics/wild mustang thing just psyched him out to the point where he was scared he might have performance anxiety in the fantasy suite?
The only other explanation is that ABC is positioning Jade to be the next bachelorette which would be a bummer, because Carly has more personality in her eyelash.
Finally, let's end this post with my ongoing Twitter war with @kayciajustice:
@kayciajustice so you think women who don't wait till marriage lack self respect? Hope you feel the same way about men who don't wait.
— the blowoff (@theblowoff) February 17, 2015
P.S. Kaycia and I eventually worked it out. She said she just wanted to compliment Becca and not get into a sex debate and I said "LOL, you're right. Sorry" but also told her men and women should be held to that same standard and she agreed. SO we're friends now, but ALSO:
IT'S NUTS TO WAIT TILL MARRIAGE TO HAVE SEX. AND ALL YOU LADIES ARE GONNA REGRET THAT DECISION IN 20 YEARS. TRUST.