Monday, February 16, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: episodes 7 & 8

Five hours of The Bachelor in one week is exactly the kind of torture tactics the US government needs to start using in Guantanamo Bay. I'm going to do my best to not mince words and stick with the highlights.

So... the Chris Tell All special was a total waste of time. Farmer Chris was as boring as ever and Crazy Kelsey was as delusional as ever. It really should have been called the "Andi Tells All" special because her interview with Chris Harrison was the most dishy part. I am not a fan of Blandi, but even I was heartbroken for her. The woman needs to have break-up sex with someone else, stat. First of all, shame on The Bachelor producers for not offering Andi a single tissue during her cry-fest. Second, I love that she doesn't blame her broken engagement on the fact that... she and Josh barely knew each other when he put a ring on it. She's like "people who got engaged after us had already set wedding dates"... um, that means nothing. Those people probably also dated between 1-3 years before deciding to spend the rest of their lives together. I feel sad for Andi, but I also think this is all part of her plan to return as the Bachelorette.

Okay, now for episode #7. The show kicks off with a cocktail party. Megan (AKA the dumb one, which is really saying a lot among this bunch) decides to tell Old MacDonald that she senses their relationship isn't moving as quickly as the other girls. he's like: totes and decides to send her home. These rose ceremonies must be some kind of hellish if a woman is like "please just dump me now!" He sends her away and she rides off in a short yellow school bus. She has to go down in history as the only contestant to get the season's first one on one date, only to go out with a whimper. Chris Harrison delivers the devastating news that even though Farmer Chris abandoned two women in the Badlands and sent another one away pre-rose ceremony, there's still going to be a mothereffing rose ceremony.

These girls literally look like they are going to go into convulsions and start foaming at the mouth. They're acting like they've just been told they're going to be herded into a gas chamber. Can someone get me a first hand account of how awful it is getting through a rose ceremony? Is it basically like telling them they're going to be stuck there for another 12 hours? Anyway, Prince Farming decides to be a hero and call off the rose ceremony. It turns out, he likes all these girls enough to keep them around for one more week and fly them out to the very beautiful and exotic... Des Moines, Iowa. Holy crap, these chicks have gone to New Mexico, South Dakota, and Iowa and next episode is hometowns?!? What a total rip off.

The best part of this sequence is when Chris says they're going to God's Country and you just know Britt wants to be like: OMG, we're going to Vegas!?! 

Jade the non-Virgin gets the first one on one date in Iowa and the ladies learn she's going to be the first person to visit Chris's hometown of Arlington. Everyone takes this to mean she's in first place to be Mrs. Farmer and they're all super bummed about it. Jade goes on a three hour car ride to Arlington and guys... this town blows. There's literally NOTHING to do. To quote Jade, it's a ghost town. The freaking super market went out of business. Does Amazon even deliver to this place? There's no bank. The one bar in town shut down. The coffee shop is just some random resident who gets up at 5am to make free coffee for people. Do you realize what this means? Those local women at the season premiere actually drove for at least an hour to get those terrible haircuts.

You can tell Jade is like "Oh HELL no" but she tries her best to play it cool and pretend that all she's ever wanted in life is to be someone's wife and sip tea on a porch all day and work on jigsaw puzzles. I just want to know if anyone has checked the local jail, because it's very possible the Brady Bunch is still stuck in there.
Farmer Chris then takes Jaded to a high school football game, because it's Friday night and that's all anyone does in Arlington. It's literally like watching Lyla Garrity return to Dillon, Texas. If you don't understand that reference, then we can't be friends. Jade meets Farmer's parents and makes out with him on the football field after all twenty people who live in the town chant "Kiss Chris! Kiss Chris!" In a very smart move, Jade decides that tonight may not be the night to confess to Chris that there are naked pictures of her on the internet. When Jade tells Chris that he seems insecure about his town and that he shouldn't be ashamed of where he comes from-- my heart melts a tiny bit. I also think this is the moment that Chris falls in love with Jade.

Later, when Jade recounts her kiss with Chris on the football field, Britt bursts into tears. Bahahahahaha. There's nothing more satisfying than watching the hot girl who thought she had this in the bag, slowly unravel. It's bringing me so much joy. Since Whitney gets the next one on one date, the other ladies decide to take a road trip to Arlington, Iowa to see what fresh hell awaits them if they end up married to Chris.

Whitey, I mean Whitney and Chris's one on one date kicks off at an art gallery in Des Moines. Chris gets them a camera so they can take pictures of their love story through the most romantic city in the world. They actually seem super believable as a couple and she's quickly becoming one of my favorite contestants. Even her high-pitched voice has grown on me. During the nighttime portion of their date, three of Chris's best friends (AKA the button down gang) show up to grill Whitney. She handles it like a pro, but it's like watching one of those really awkward group interviews.

Once the dudes leave, Whitey tells Male Whitey that her hometown date is going to be a little different because she's an orphan. Her dad has never been in her life and her mom died tragically ten years ago after getting a blood clot during a routine operation (AKA my greatest fear). Poor Whitney! Farmer Sweet cheers her up by taking her outside and showing her a mural of one of their photos from earlier that day painted on a wall. Awww shit. This is actually super romantic. It reminds me of THIS:
Pacey and Joey forever!!!!
Meanwhile, the girls arrive in Arlington and are pretty much horrified by the fact that they may have to settle down in a place that's prime real estate for a UFO landing. Even the town pastor is like "this place sucks butt, if you want to have fun you have to drive for like five hours." iCarly takes a little peek in the methodist church and sees the same picture of Jesus in the exact same frame that her grandparents had in their house. So... they probably sell it at WalMart? She takes this as a sign to mean that she and Chris are meant to be together. Hmmm... if Carly doesn't win this whole damn show, then it will just confirm to me that there is no God.

When the girls fill Whitney and Jade in on their trip, Britta Filter says that as they were driving away and she watched the sunset, she realized she could totally see herself living in beautiful Arlington forever. Yeah, and I would totally love to go live in the Gaza strip. Both Carly and Kaitlyn are shocked, because apparently Britt said to them that she could never ever see herself living in Arlington. This puts Britt in the dreaded "fake" category.

So during the group date with Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt (ice-skating, totally not relevant) iCarly takes Chris aside and tells him that Britt is full of shit and that she flat out told them she could never live in Arlington. This comes right after Britta filter has gushed to Farmer Chris that all she wants to do is move to Iowa and give birth to babies.  Farmer Stupid is really taken aback by all of this and says it felt like a bomb had been dropped on him. Carly is totally my hero for putting Britt on blast. I think she knows she's not getting a rose anyway and now all she wants is to take Britt down with her.

Shit gets even more amazing when Chris decides to give the group date rose to Kaitlyn to calm her fears about where they are in their relationship and Britt totally loses it. Oh boy. Rule #1 in a relationship is to hide the crazy for as long as possible and Britt just let her crazy flag fly. She pretty much loses her shit as she says that she wants to be #1 and wants a husband who will put her first, blah blah blah. And how could he give Kaitlyn the rose.
Oh, how the mighty have fallen
It turns out that Carly is an evil genius, because she simply says "i had a great day and i'm happy for Kaitlyn, because she's a great person." This only makes Britt look even more psycho. Chris tells Britt that she's putting him a weird position and that this conversation is not appropriate in the presence of his two other girlfriends. Then he bails to go back to his Des Moines loft and rub one out, leaving K & C to tell B she's being ridiculous.

The episode ends with KC Undercover telling the rest of the girls that Britt dug her own grave and there's NO way Farmer Chris is going to give her a rose. She's DONE. Their confidence has me a little scared, because I'm pretty sure Britt's blow job lips can talk their way out of anything, but we shall see in....

Episode 8
Really? You're still going to put us through a one on one date with Chris and Becca? Watching these two converse is about as much fun as plucking my pubic hairs one by one. Which-- for the record, I don't do. We learn that although Becca was in an off and on relationship for four years, she's never been in love. Farmer Charming takes Becca up to the rooftop of his loft and they make out and then the date ends which is great because NO ONE GIVES TWO FUCKS.

Britt tells the ladies that she's decided that she's going to go home before the rose ceremony. Like I said, these rose ceremonies must be truly awful. The ladies see right through Britt. iCarly says that Britt likes to make these declarations, but never follows through with them. It's clear to everyone with two eyes and a tiny brain that Britt has a sneaking suspicion she's about to get dumped, so she wants to be the one to cut bait first. Or that she at least wants to feel out where she stands with Farmer Cow Poo and if she gets the sense that it's a no-go, she's going to dramatically bid him good bye in her last ditch effort to be the next bachelorette.

But then, Chris Harrison arrives and drops a bombshell on the ladies. There will be NO cocktail party tonight. WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!? What's next ABC? Are you going to give each of the girls hysterectomies?

Just as the rose ceremony begins, Britt asks Chris if they can have some time alone to talk. Oh no. I'm basically having a panic attack at this point, because I'm SO scared she's going to seduce him with her hot rose pink lipstick and very liberal use of liquid eyeliner. But Chris isn't having it. He calls her out on lying about how she felt about Arlington and she's like "No! Remember? The sunset. I loved the sunset! I want to live there!" She then asks him who ratted her out so she can stick a horse's head in their bed and Chris says "does it make a difference?" Oh snap. When she asks if it was Carly, he says that Carly has conducted herself exactly the way he would want his wife to and she hasn't.

Side note, I love that wives are expected to conduct themselves in a certain way. I conduct myself in a "do the god damn dishes" kind of way.

Side note #2, I really miss Kelsey.

Britt takes this as her cue to leave, hugs Chris good bye, and then proceeds to ball her eyes out and practically collapse on a lawn full of fallen autumn leaves. This might be the first time I've loved Farmer Boring all season.

iCarly sums it up the best when she says "the prettiest girl in the room who's always gotten what she wants now knows what it's like to be a normal person. How does it feel?" PLEASE TV gods, please make Carly the next bachelorette.

And even though Carly conducted herself exactly like a wife should, she does not get a rose tonight to the surprise of pretty much no one. Since there was a lot to cram into this episode, ABC kept the hometown dates pretty darn brief. Some quick highlights:

#1 Chris goes to Shreveport, Louisianna to meet Becca's family. Up until this very moment, I thought she was the best dressed girl on the show, but then she wears a top that was literally made out of a table cloth from The Regal Beagle. PROOF:
Becca's fam seems SHOCKED to see her holding hands with a boy. Chris is the first guy she's ever brought home and they've never seen her be affectionate with a man at all. They tell Farm Boy that she's not an intimate person. Sadly, my husband says "awww, just like you" to me. It's true. PDA makes me highly uncomfortable. Becca's sister takes her aside to ask whether Chris knows that her vagina is an untapped resource. Becca says that she hasn't gotten around to telling him that yet and her sister says that the most exciting thing that might happen in the fantasy suite is eating sugar donuts.

There are definitely some donuts out there that are more exciting than sex, so I will not argue with Becca's sister on that one. And while I found Becca perfectly harmless and boring through this whole episode, THIS happened and she instantly becomes one of my favorites:





Confession: then this tweet happened.


After meeting her family, Chris takes Becca on a ferris wheel and though it's a page right out of The Notebook, she decides that she's falling in love with him.

#2 Chris travels to Chicago to meet Whitney's parents family. I literally accidentally typed parents. Since she is the only one with a career worth knowing about, she takes Farmer Charmer to the hospital so he can learn the ins and outs of being a fertility nurse. She makes a joke about Chris masturbating so they can test his sperm and I wish he'd just go along with it, because it would be AMAZING if he opened up a Playboy and found the naked pictures of Jade the non-Virgin.

Whitey's aunt and uncle and sister are perfectly nice, though her sister refuses to give Chris her blessing to propose to Whitney. We're supposed to treat this like it's a hateful reaction. Even my husband is like "how could she??" but I think it's a totally reasonable response. She's like, call me when you know for sure she's the one you want to marry and you'll have my blessing then. Spoken like a true sane person.

My favorite moment from this episode was when Whitney brought out a bottle of $$$ wine she purchased in Napa to one day share with her future husband. I REALLLLLY don't think she should be sharing that with Chris, BUT it's a sweet gesture and solidifies her as my fave. 

#3 Chris goes to Phoenix, Arizona to meet Kaitlyn's family. Okay, these two make about as much sense together as oreo cookies dipped in sriracha. They're more like the one night stand you have on vacation with someone you would normally NEVER date in your regular life. And to prove that point, Kaitlyn takes him to a recording studio so they can do a rap together. It's the lady boner killer of the century. Poor MC Farmer cannot rap to save his life. Even Kaitlyn can't really rap so I'm not even sure what the point of this date is.

K's family is perfectly nice and unmemorable. The main thing I'm confused by is that one of her parents is NOT Asian, because I was convinced she was bi-racial. When her mom takes her aside to ask her how she feels about Chris, she keeps saying that "she hearts him." What is this, a Taylor Swift song circa 2009? I tell bank tellers and Verizon Wireless employees that I heart them. Find a stronger adjective to describe your feelings! Or maybe a billboard with a giant heart on it. No, for reals. When Chris and Kaitlyn are saying good night, she points out a giant billboard that says Kaitlyn hearts Chris.

#4 Chris goes to Omaha, Nebraska to meet Jade's family. They are all completely baffled by Chris's description of their sister and daughter as a person with "values." They keep calling Jaded a "free spirit" and a "wild mustang" when she's been about as innocent and reserved as this all season:
Jade's understandably nervous to tell Chris that she posed naked in Playboy, but I found her dad Laren (yeah, that's his name) to be the MVP of hometown dates with his unwavering support of his daughter. In hindsight, he maybe should have been like "are you crazy? Don't tell him about those pictures!!"

When Jade finally bites the bullet and confesses her Playboy past to Chris, things get pretty awkward. Look, I actually don't blame the guy for being surprised. This was, after all, the woman he had a Cinderella themed date with. There has been no reason for him to think there's a video of her getting naked on the internet. If the whole revelation wasn't shocking enough, Jade shows him the photos and the video. She kind of has to so he can get the scope of the whole thing.

We interrupt this program to let you know that my Twitter fight rages on:
After turning into a sweaty mess, Chris tries to recover from learning that his sweet innocent Jade is actually a naked wild Playboy mustang. He tells her that the pictures and video don't change how he feels about her and though I think he just plans to dump her once they've boned in the fantasy suite, you can see the sense of relief flood her face. BUT...

She doesn't get a freaking rose. I was wrong. It's literally between Becca (the virgin) and Jade (the "whore") and Chris Harrison comes out and says "Ladies, it's the final rose of the night" and Chris gives it to BECCA. Look, I'm about 110% positive that the naked pictures totally did Jade in. It's such BS when Chris says his other relationships were moving faster. He has about zero chemistry with Kaitlyn and they have nothing in common. And in episode #7 he introduced Jade to his parents and I literally witnessed the moment he fell in love with her. This sucks. And Farm Boy is totally going to regret it when he learns he's not going to get laid on one out of three of his fantasy suite dates. Do you guys think the naked pics/wild mustang thing just psyched him out to the point where he was scared he might have performance anxiety in the fantasy suite?

The only other explanation is that ABC is positioning Jade to be the next bachelorette which would be a bummer, because Carly has more personality in her eyelash.

Finally, let's end this post with my ongoing Twitter war with @kayciajustice:

P.S. Kaycia and I eventually worked it out. She said she just wanted to compliment Becca and not get into a sex debate and I said "LOL, you're right. Sorry" but also told her men and women should be held to that same standard and she agreed. SO we're friends now, but ALSO:

IT'S NUTS TO WAIT TILL MARRIAGE TO HAVE SEX. AND ALL YOU LADIES ARE GONNA REGRET THAT DECISION IN 20 YEARS. TRUST.

3 comments:

  1. So maybe I'm just team Whitney, but remember the moment when Chris pulled her aside and asked which family member he should ask for their approval if he were to propose? Call me crazy, but I felt that the focus on that conversation and the centrality of the proposal during her hometown was huge! To me it seems that she's his frontrunner, as (to my recollection) he did not explicitly ask any of the other girls' family members for their approval during hometowns. (correct me if I'm wrong!)

    Also, I completely agree with you about Jade and the photos. Along the same vein of Chris speaking to Britt about acting unlike he would expect his wife should, the nude photos seemed to encapsulate something beyond what Chris could fathom as acceptable or appropriate behavior. He's entitled to his perspective, but I think it's sad that he wasn't able to be honest with her and say that outright. Once again, he takes the cowardly way out.

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  2. I don't understand all the Becca hate because she actually seems like she could handle a boring ass life in Iowa, plus she's sweet and cute and they seem to have a normal connection. I guess we'll see, but YES CARLY FOR BACHELORETTE!

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  3. I'm with Kelsey. I think Whitney is the perfect combo of Becca (small southern gal, probably would be happy in Arlington) and Kaitlyn (has a personality, seems fun). I'm rooting for her, but I just have a feeling she's not the one. I actually don't feel him really being in love with any three of these women. I think Britt and Jade were the two people he had the strongest feelings for and those didn't pan out. With Jade, I think he also consulted his family after seeing the nude pics and they were like "get rid of her".

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