Thursday, February 19, 2015

Why (some) chicks LOVE Christian Grey

I spent last Galentine's Day at the movies with my girlfriends watching Fifty Shades of Grey and.... I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. Sure, the sex scenes paled in comparison to all of our fave sex movies from the nineties (The Color of Night anyone?), Jamie Dornan can't pull off an American accent, and there was a bit too much gasping and lip-biting, but as I told my friends during the film:


And personally, I found a lot of the reviews of the movie super annoying. I don't need this film to be a debate about feminism and misogyny and domestic violence, blah blah blah. I just want to watch a movie for women without having to worry about what it means for WOMEN. Anastasia Steele is twenty-one. She could do a lot worse when it comes to boyfriends and fuck buddies. My favorite is critics who ask why she's even into Christian Grey. So he's rich and hot, but... what else? I kind of think those are good enough reasons, but since everyone keeps asking. I figured I'd break it down for y'all.

10. Christian Grey has his shit together. He's got a career, a car, a nice adult apartment with enough rooms he can devote one to whips and chains. He probably never lays on the couch playing World of Warcraft wondering what he wants to eat for dinner and what he wants to do with his life.
Take me now!
9. He's super tidy. Have you seen his closet? Sorry, but any man who can keep his ties and dress shirts and shoes that orderly can do whatever they want to me sexually. Who cares about a sense of humor when you can have a man who's very organized?

8. He works out. I don't care if it's shallow-- men have been shallow for years, but it's just more attractive when a guy takes care of himself. I'm not talking about being super toned or bench-pressing tons of pounds at the gym and drinking protein shakes three times a day. I'm simply saying: a man that goes jogging is HOT.

7. He's a part time lover. Here's where Anastasia is kind of dumb. Christian wants her to live in his apartment three days a week. She'll get her own bedroom and they'll spend most of that time boning. He's even like "I'll take you on one date a week." UM, this is kind of like the perfect relationship. I'm not sure why Anastasia's all butt-hurt that they have to sleep in separate beds after having sex. Girl, you get all the covers to yourself and you don't have to listen to anyone snoring. That's awesome! Also, how many guys in committed long term relationships take their wives or girlfriends on a date every week?!

6. He says things like "I'm going to fuck you into next week" and "I don't make love, I fuck." This one needs no explanation.

5. He plans things! A huge turn off for women is dating a guy who can't book a dinner reservation or plan a weekend away. Christian has that shit covered. You will never have to go back and forth for an hour about where to order take out from. He'll take care of it. He'll probably just make you sushi.

4. He's crying on the inside. He may be rich and beautiful, but he was also an orphan. He's like Good Will Hunting except way more refined. This plays into every fantasy women have about saving and healing a guy.

3. He's in control. Here's why some of the feminist arguments about the movie really bother me. Sometimes... it's nice to not be the one in control. These days, women are in control of so much of their lives that you almost have to be a stronger/more independent woman to allow someone else to take the reigns... and throw you down in a bed and tie you up and spank you and melt ice all over your body.

2. He's a straight shooter. With Christian, you don't have to worry about where you stand with him. The guy literally spells out what you can expect from a relationship with him in fine print. It's all there and can be negotiated. I think it's safe to say, he will never ever ever send you a vague text that says "hi" or "hey." Which brings me to my next point:

1. He's nothing if not consistent. When Christian decides he's into Anastasia, he's like in it to win it. He calls, he texts, he makes plans, he introduces her to his mother, he surprises her at work, and on vacation with her mom. Okay, so if he was an ugly troll, this would also make him a stalker, but you get the point. Females today are conditioned to men who go radio silent for days, are super into them one day then really aloof the next, who make plans only to flake with some lame excuse. Anastasia likes Christian because HE LIKES HER. And he shows it. That's pretty much what it boils down to.

Also, shameless plug. My dog Mabel is in this 50 Shades of Grey/Audi commercial. See her bark at the 30 second mark!


  1. So accurate. Just that abusive bit is a turnoff...

  2. Bravo, i completely agree.