Monday, March 30, 2015

i HATE all your exes


This is me, thinking about how much I hate your ex.
If you're friends with me, you should know that I will HATE your ex with a passion most people reserve for mom jeans. I'm just that loyal. I'm like an ex-hating mob boss. I'm straight up gangster.  I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I just have too much empathy, but I take the break-up personally. Allow me to illustrate in a series of GIFs:

 Here's me when I run into your ex at a party:

 I once encouraged a friend to pee on her ex-boyfriend's bed.  It was sort of like this:

 I un-friended a family member's ex on FB. Then I ran into him at a funeral, went up to him and said: 
"...We’re as thick as thieves and we protect each other ’til the end."

Here's me running into your ex in a dark alley:

Here's me hearing your ex wouldn't give you the rest of your stuff back:

Here's me when I find out your ex is begging you to take him back: 

Here's me when I see your ex got engaged on Facebook:
And then I'm like:
And THEN I'M LIKE:
  But guys, I DO NOT believe in violence. I just really, really, really, hate ALL your exes. Like a lot. They just don't deserve you.

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