Monday, March 23, 2015

Sweatpants do not cause divorce

Last week Eva Mendes said she never wears sweatpants and that they are the #1 reason for divorce. Moments later, women across America flipped out and Mendes was like "calm down people, I was kidding!" The truth is, if I looked like Eva Mendes I would not be wearing sweatpants either. I'd be walking around butt naked at all times. I would go to the farmer's market naked. I would cook naked. I would sit on the couch and watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills naked. I would have sex with Ryan Gosling NAKED.

Eva, if you're reading this-- don't feel bad. You're hardly the first person who's made a lame joke about sweatpants and marriage. Also, if Gwyneth Paltrow had said it, she would have been burned at the stake so you kind of got off easy. And while the public outcry might be a bit much--- it was also kind of awesome.

It means that women are tired of the implication (joking or not) that if they don't look hot all the time, their husbands or boyfriends are gonna go fuck someone else. I'm tired of it. I'll admit, I've fallen victim to the "pressure" of still having to look cute in my sleepwear. I threw away a favorite pair of drawstring cotton pants after the H-bomb said he thought they were ugly. It's quite possible I've done a Google search for "sexy comfortable pajamas" in the past. But then I became addicted to the cotton pajama bottoms at Anthropologie and I've never looked back. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only sweatpants that cause divorce are the ones that say "juicy" on the butt.

Sure, I'm still a big believer that you shouldn't let yourself go just because you're in a committed relationship. But that rule applies to women and men. The reason the sweatpants thing is extra obnoxious is that you never hear people say "beer guts are the #1 reason for divorce" or "male pattern baldness is the #1 reason for divorce."Why is it that the onus to stay hot (and thin) always seem to be on women? Not fair society, not fair.

Plus, how are we ladies supposed to walk around in negligees when men blast the air conditioner all the time? Take away our sweatpants and we will all freeze to death and then there will be no women left on earth and the entire population of the world will slowly die out. You heard it here first: sweatpants are the #1 reason for the survival of humanity.


  1. Great crotch shot! It's funny you should post this today, as I had also read this:


    1. I'm definitely not an advocate of wearing sweatpants ALL the time. That would be straight up cray cray. I'm talking about sleepwear, not daywear-- so i don't totally disagree with this article.

  2. If I can't wear my Juicy sweatpants around the house, I'm definitely not going to start on Rogaine.