Thursday, March 26, 2015

the art of being a flake

Chronic flaking is one syndrome we can't blame solely on dudes. In this day and age, women are huge flakes too. According to a recent internet article I saw on Facebook (where I get all my news, duh), we're more apt to flake because it's easy and there's less accountability. All you have to do is send a text message or an email saying "can we rain check?" On the scale of one to super-flake, I would say I'm about 7. Here's when I think it's perfectly acceptable to flake or turn down an invite (which I strongly believe is still in the flaky category).

#1 If plans were made way far in advance. Like, a month ago and you don't even remember making them in the first place. And now it's a month later and the last thing you want to do after work is ANYTHING.

#2 If you've been invited to a party and the only person you know is the host. I reached a point in my life where I decided I would never to put myself through that kind of emotional torture again. The truth is, the host is only inviting you to be polite (it's always a burden to have that guest who doesn't know anyone else) and you're only going to be polite. Either way, it's awkward.

#3 A kid birthday party. And one where that kid isn't related to you. And you don't have kids yet. And whether you want kids or not, you're just not in the mental head space to be around people with kids.  RSVP: WILL NOT ATTEND.  Again, you're just getting a pity invite to a party you don't want to go to anyway.

#4 If said plans are on the west side. Or the east side if you live on the west side. This is for my LA folks, but hell =  having plans on a Friday night anywhere that requires taking the 10 freeway.

#5 If you have a migraine or cramps.  In a related story, migraines and cramps are the perfect last-minute excuses for flaking. In another related story, don't flake last minute.

Now, here are a few unacceptable flaking behaviors. We've already covered cancelling last minute, so let's move on to other fucked-up maneuvers, shall we?

#1  Flaking without explanation.  I was discussing this issue with a friend who said she never feels compelled to give an excuse when she turns down an invitation. She simply just says "I can't make it." MIND. BLOWN. I have to give a reason. And then I have to remind myself of what the reason was, so nothing I do on Facebook exposes my lies.  Upon thinking on this issue further, I *do* think it's more polite to provide a reason for missing an event (even if said reason is a lie and you really just want to watch Bravo TV all night). I'd prefer to believe your parents really were in town during my birthday party.

#2 The no-show. Ugh. I've totally done this. I blame Facebook invites. I stupidly click "attend" and then moments later forget I was ever even invited to something. There have even been times I've emailed or texted someone the next day to apologize for missing their party (even when I RSVP'd yes. I told you, I'm a 7 on the flake scale).  While flaking last minute is a cardinal sin, not showing up at all is even worse.

#3 The NO RSVP. This is probably my biggest pet peeve. If I took the time to send you a paperless post, you can take the two seconds to open the envelope and mark "Will Not Attend." It's SO easy.  I can see you've viewed my invite. Just respond! I need to know how much food to buy!

#4 The wedding guest flake. Oh hell no. If you pull the no show at someone's wedding, it's grounds for friendship dismissal.

#5 The chronic re-scheduler. Look, I'll admit-- some people get upset when they get flaked on. When I get flaked on, I text back "no worries", then I do this:
Seriously, there is nothing better in this world than getting flaked on by someone you wanted to flake on in the first place! It's like finding a parking spot when there's still time left on the meter. But when the same person flakes over and over again and keeps asking to reschedule, it's like: Bitch, I don't even like Mendocino Farms that much.  (Note: I'm probably guilty of this one too.)

There you have it, folks. All the acceptable and unacceptable ways to flake. Any more to add to the list? Comment below.

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