Tuesday, March 10, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Season Finale!!

Why are we no longer in Bali? Did the Arlington tourism board pay ABC a shit-ton of money to give their little town screen time? Seriously, what is wrong with the Soules family? They had an opportunity to take a free trip to Indonesia and they were like "no thanks, think we'll just stay in our cozy little metropolis. Also, we hate foreign countries. Murica forever! American Sniper!"

Whitey Whitney is the first one to meet the Soules family and I have to say, she fits in perfectly. I would like someone to perform a blood test stat to prove she's not in fact one of Chris's sisters and that incest isn't the hottest trend in Arlington. This girl really lays it on thick at the dinner table as she tells Chris's family how much this means to her, how much she loves Chris, then she lists her strengths and weaknesses, and references a time when she was faced with a tough situation at the office and how she worked through it. JK. My point is, every time this chick speaks-- it sounds like she's at a job interview. She does make everyone at the table cry, except Chris because he's an emotional robot.

Everyone is super into Whitney except for Chris's niece who makes this face:
She's either like: Girl, why the eff do you want to live on this farm? OR maybe she just can't deal with Whitney's high pitched voice and is wondering why no one else's ears are bleeding. OR maybe Mama Soules is just a really shitty cook and she just realized they're all eating her pet bunny. Either way, she's my new favorite person on the show.

Once Chris sees how much his family loves Whitney and wants him to seal the deal ASAP, he starts defending Becca and explaining that he really likes her too. Cause she's... athletic and grounded. Those are literally the reasons he gives. It's possible those are the only two things he knows about her so I'm going to give him a pass on that one.

Whitey gets some one on one time with Mama Soules (who, side note: should totally play Mama Fratelli in a remake of The Goonies)
And Whitey totally nails it. She blows it out of the water. She goes on about how much she loves Farmer Chris and that she's dying to find a new family and someone to call mom and dad. Let's face it. If she marries Chris, she is never going to speak to her own negative brunette sister again! Mama Soules totally tears up and it turns out, she's not as scary as I originally thought. So, Whitney's basically the perfect woman for him while Becca isn't remotely into him and Chris is having a tough time deciding what to do??  What is his problem? Chris hangs out in the tool shed with the men in the family because that's where men hang out and his incredibly wise brother-in-law is like "you're attracted to the chase." Hashtag Truth.

Next to meet Chris's entire family is Becca. Aside from being grounded and athletic, we also know that she's not in love with Chris and she's being completely honest about that fact. SO... she's like a normal human being who doesn't fall madly in love after spending a sum total of six hours alone with a guy over the course of twelve weeks on a reality TV show where they were surrounded by other women and a camera crew. Hmmm. She might quite possibly be the sanest woman who has ever graced the bachelor franchise.

My favorite part of Becca's visit is that she fully makes fun of Arlington, Iowa and everyone in Chris's family just laughs their asses off. Um, where is Chris's niece when we need her? Someone needs to tell these people that they are not in on the joke here. Becca calls the one street with the post office "downtown Arlington" then says she told her mom not to text, but to send letters. This place sounds like a terrible nightmare and I can't help but feel like a lot of Chris and Becca's problems would fall to the wayside if he was like "Don't sweat it, we're gonna live in LA while I do Dancing with the Stars and you will have a front row seat at every show where you'll get to smile adoringly at me even though I will have orange skin and a waxed chest while I try to dance the pasodoble!"

Prince Farming's family interrogates Becca on how she feels about Chris and what the next steps in their relationship would be and she *gasp* actually answers honestly and says she wouldn't change her whole life and move for a guy unless she was sure. SO, they'd have to do a long distance relationship first. SAY WHAT? Long Distance Relationships are like every man's worst nightmare. It's basically like saying "You will never get to touch my boobs, but silver lining: we can talk on the phone everyday." OH HELL NO, said every guy always. I have to wonder if Chris lived in a cool place like say... San Francisco or New York... would Becca still have the same reservations? I think not.

But Mama Soules takes a different route with Becca. She's works her voodoo magic on her and is like "you're getting very sleepy... and you're also in love with my son, you just don't know it." Then, in an extra creepy serial killer move, she caresses Becca's hair. At this point, I want Becca to run for her life, because I'm afraid this family is going to throw her in a pit and keep her there until she decides she's in love with Chris and wants to spend the rest of her life in Arlington--- which is only one step above living in a pit.

Becca and Chris say good bye and he contemplates life, his stinky farts, and his next harvest as he walks down a snowy path. Meanwhile, his dad says that Whitney is more of a sure thing, but Becca's more of a risk and that Chris will take the risky path. I'm not sure why he thinks his son is such a wild mustang risk-taker considering he LIVES ON A FARM in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE and spends his time going to HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAMES. I'm sorry, but Iowa Forever is just not nearly as cool as Texas forever. It's just not.

Later, Chris goes to Dubuque, Iowa--- which is a mere 74 miles away from Arlington--- to visit Becca at her hotel room because there are no hotels in Arlington. In the most shocking moment in Bachelor history, she does not give him a scrapbook, recite him a poem, give him a painting, or read him a card about how much this journey has meant to her. Instead, they have this long drawn out conversation where they hold on to each other and Becca says she has feelings for him, but isn't ready to get married and that the thought of living in Arlington does make her nervous. So once again what you're trying to tell me that Becca is a completely normal person who makes rational decisions and doesn't want to get engaged to someone after knowing them for two months. To that I say: How did she end up on this show??

I love this conversation because it feels like a real state of the union address between two people in a relationship. Except that normally the guy sounds a lot more like Becca and the girl sounds a lot more like Chris. At this point, he will truly be an idiot if he picks a woman who's clearly not that into him-- but at the same time, I feel like his face lights up when he's around Becca whereas with Whitney it just feels like he's going through the motions.

I will say, this might be the first time in Bachelor history where I haven't adamantly hated one of the last two contestants. Like, Becca and Whitney both seem like really nice, normal, solid people. Which is great and everything, but it also makes for a super boring finale.

Finally, Whitney shows up in yet another fabulous outfit to help Chris pick some cotton. Just kidding. They harvest some crops or something. Whitney couldn't be more all in with this guy. I would not be surprised if she already packed her apartment, bought property in Arlington, started taking prenatal vitamins, booked the Methodist church for their wedding, donated a thousand dollars to the post office so they would have the staff and capabilities to mail out their wedding invites, and quit her fertility nurse job. This is seriously Whitney in Arlington:
Later, Chris makes another trip to Dubuque to hang out with Whitney in her hotel room and once again, their conversation feels like a full on job interview. Whitney's like "do you have any questions for me?" I wouldn't be surprised if she printed out and laminated a past dating history resume to give him. It's almost too much and I'm worried, because usually the woman who is this in love is bound to get her heart shat on. Chris leaves and with him he takes... A SCRAPBOOK! Sadly, after all that time and hard work Whitney put into this thing, we didn't even get to see her give it to him. How could the editors of this show deprive us of rainbows and sunshine and happiness by skipping the scrapbook portion of the finale?!

Then you guys, the craziest thing happens. Neil Lane comes to Iowa. No fucking joke. He's seriously the Lord of the Rings. I hope they're paying this guy a million dollars. In fact, I may write a new screenplay about Neil Lane being escorted to Iowa by a Bachelor producer played by a Seth Rogen type. Somewhere along the way, they'll do shrooms, save a really cute puppy, and lose the briefcase of rings and all hell will break loose. Maybe they will also assassinate a world leader. You're welcome, Hollywood.

Anyway, Chris checks out all the rings and yet-- supposedly-- he's still not sure who he should propose to. I call bullshit on that. I'm going to choose to think this is all false suspense and he's actually known who he wanted to be with for awhile.

The worst part about the back to back break-up/proposal is that it takes place in a barn that probably smells like shit. But is literally decorated like Pottery Barn. Not to mention it's fucking freezing in this place.

Becca is the first to arrive which usually isn't a good sign. In the most anti-climactic break up ever, Chris is like "Um. So I'm finally taking a hint. You're not into me. You can go home now." Becca leaves, gives the two finger salute to Arlington, gets into the back of the limo and is like THANK FUCKING GOD, I couldn't have made it any more clear that I wasn't interested in him.

Okay, that's not really how it goes down. Becca, being totally sane, doesn't cry or freak out. She's bummed because she liked Chris enough to be his long distance girlfriend, but not enough to get engaged and walk down the aisle cause she's not delusional and nuts. Plus, it's FREEZING in this barn. They can see their breath. All she wants to do is get back in that limo and put the seat warmers on high. I would also like someone to fact check for me if Becca's the first woman in bachelor history to not cry in the back of the limo after getting dumped on the finale. She tries to play it off like she's in a state of shock, but I don't buy it. She literally does not give two fucks.

Whitney arrives and I'm fully expecting Chris to break up with her too, because I don't believe he really loves her. Whitney's so nervous her eyes practically roll in the back of her head and she looks like she's about to have a full on seizure. Before Chris can even say anything, she goes into job interview mode and recaps all of her strengths and how much this journey meant to her and i love you, i love you, i love you. blah blah SHUT UPPPPPP! Chris starts recalling the moment he saw Whitney get out of the limo and goes on and on about how much he loves her, but I'm like-- uh, you gave the first impression rose to Britt ANNNND, did Whitney ever even get a group date rose? But none of this matters now, because Chris gets down on one knee and proposes to Whitney and she freaks out and it's all very romantic except for the fact that it smells like poop everywhere.

I'm okay with this ending though. These two are a match-made in Murica Heaven and while I'm not entirely convinced this will last because it's The Bachelor, I have high hopes for them. They might be the least controversial couple in Bachelor history. I mean, remember Juan Pablo and what's her name?? No, literally I do not remember her name and I'm too lazy to Google it.

During the After the Final Rose, Prince Farming is either really drunk or nervous, because it's impossible to understand anything he's saying. Like Juan Pablo was more articulate and that guy didn't speak English. Becca comes out and they do the awkward long hug and then it's all kinds of boring. There's no "if you weren't going to pick me, why did you stick your penis in my butt" questions. Becca basically explains that she's never been in love, so she had no reference point to figure out if she loved Chris even though Mama Soules tried to bully her into thinking she did. I'm gonna guess the best place for Becca to find love is Bachelor in Paradise.

Whitney then comes out wearing a dress that's identical to Becca's except a different color and she and Farmer Dum Dum actually seem really into each other. And according to both of them, they're fucking a lot which is a good thing. I'm also super impressed by Whitney because she didn't watch anything on this season aside from her dates with Chris. Whoa. That takes some serious restraint. I guess that means she didn't hear Chris's dad say "Chris LOVES Becca. Duh America" two days before he proposed to her. I'm happy for these two and I hope their love can survive the fact that this is going to be Chris's DWTS partner:
The good news is, her name is also Witney (yes, she fucking spells it without the H) so if Chris is boning both of them, he never has to worry about saying the wrong woman's name during sex. Then Jimmy Kimmel shows up and I have to say, I'm kind of starting to lose respect for him. I mean, Jimmy Fallon would NEVER be here. But let's just skip over all of that, because:

ABC TOTALLY FUCKED US ALL OVER. They announce that Bachelor Nation was SO divided on who should be the next bachelorette that there's going to be TWO of them. Britt and Kaitlyn. Oh no they didn't. Let me get this straight-- for the first time ever, there's a woman who's funny, pretty, smart, likable, has a personality (Kaitlyn) and they're not going to just let her be the bachelorette??? It gets worse. They're going to let 25 douche-bag guys choose in the first episode who will be the next bachelorette? Well, fuck. Guys are totally going to pick Britt. This is just awful. I feel like this is a huge step back for women. Why would ABC do this to us? Bachelor Nation was never divided! I mean, people in the audience literally booed for Britt when Chris Harrison mentioned her name and cheered their heads off for Kaitlyn. I don't care if Britt finally stopped wearing that awful make up she sported on the show. I hate everything about this. What I hate even more is that this shit premieres in May so I barely get two months off before I have to write these freaking recaps again.

I'm going to say it now guys: If Britt is the next bachelorette, I will not be recapping the show. I don't even think I'll be able to stomach watching it. Either way, this is what I hope the first episode will look like:

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