Monday, March 2, 2015

the bachelor & the BLOW OFF: Women Tell ALL

If I had to describe the Women Tell All in one sentence it would be: Britt is the most annoying person in the world.

Seriously though-- Britt could make someone else's funeral about her. Britt would probably give you a free hug and then send you a bill in the mail for five hundred dollars. Britt is the worst. The first strike against her was during the intros when the audience cheered for her and she basically did this:

Or was it more like this:
Or maybe it was more like this:
I'm not sure. Either way, it was super obnoxious. She pretty much immediately starts crying and says that she thought Carly was her friend. They hung out on the same bed and Britt told her songs to listen to and Carly wrote them down in a journal which means THEY WERE BEST FRIENDS. Chris Harrison invites Queen Britt to sit on stage with him and Britt proceeds to go into the ugly cry and blame I-brows Carly for the downfall of her electric connection with Farmer Chris.

The woman is a mastermind of deflecting everything by crying. I know this trick well. I use it all the time when the H-bomb and I get into a fight. Sure, maybe Carly got a little mean in the end, but siding with Britt over her is like siding with Caroline in Sixteen Candles over Sam. I feel like Carly really got the shaft in this episode and Britt did everything in her power to make Carly look like a monster. Hopefully, they will hash it out when they both end up on Bachelor in Paradise. Hairy Butt Jillian goes on a tirade defending Britt and even Chris Harrison has to tell her she's too jacked up. But that's what you do when you're in love with someone. You fight for them.
I don't know if the show was just heavily edited, but I feel like Kaitlyn should have spoken up during this whole confrontation. She heard Britt say she could never live in Arlington and she kind of hung Carly out to dry during this whole debate. Here's the deal. I do think Carly's on the insecure side, but you would be too if you poured your heart out in song to Farmer Chris and he took someone else to the Big & Rich concert. I think Carly was genuinely into Chris and couldn't deal with the fact that he was infatuated with someone who wasn't really all that into him.

Next, Kelsey comes up on stage and a ton of girls who appeared in only two episodes of the show try to put her in her place. Thank God for Chris Harrison who was like "bitches, shut up. You're basically glorified seat fillers. Let Kelsey talk." Seriously, what gives these women who were barely on the show the right to speak? I'm sort of fascinated by Kelsey, but she doesn't do much in this interview to make me find her less.... cold and unfeeling. She says that she's had to mourn and grieve Sanderson Poe all over again after this experience. Well... he only died like 18 months ago, so I personally don't think she should have stopped grieving for him yet anyway. I'm so sorry Kelsey that you have to go and be sad about your dead husband again.

She tries to explain the panic attack (um, last minute cocktail party cancellation?! Who wouldn't have a panic attack?!) and her questionable use of adjectives like "amazing" when discussing her dead husband, but none of it really works. Luckily for Kelsey, the other ladies are SO mean and cruel that she actually comes off slightly sympathetic. Like, you really can see the contempt in all their faces. Some of you may have thought that Juelia was exactly the person to call out Kelsey on her bull shit, because she too has a dead husband, but lest I remind you that Juelia dropped the dead husband bomb at a pool party in order to get a rose. My favorite part was when Kelsey called out Trashley Virgin for the comments she made regarding whether the dead husband was a fake made up story. There's nothing I love more in the world than exposing hypocrisy. Ashley bitched and moaned about all the mean things Kelsey said about her, but she said a few hateful things herself. Also, I hate Ashley Kardashian almost as much as I hate Britt. To be fair, if someone told me their dead hubs was named "Sanderson Poe" I might be like "shut up, he's fake. you made that up."

It is still odd that Special K can barely muster a tear over her dead husband. Even when she borrows a handkerchief from Chris Harrison, she just uses it to blow her nose. I've literally cried harder just thinking about the fact that my dog will die someday than Kelsey has discussing the abrupt death of her husband. All I can say is if Viola Davis ever takes a hiatus from How To Get Away with Murder then they should replace her with Kelsey.

Next on the hot seat is Ashley "Mesa Verde" S. If you thought this might be her opportunity to explain the crazy away, blame it on the side effects of Lyme disease, say she was on Peyote during the entire shoot, that she has multiple personalities and was blacked out during taping, or that she forgot her meds at home... well, none of that happens. She still acts fucking weird. She brings Harrison an onion. She still believes the accounting office was some elaborate gambling ring. She gives a lot of blank stares and odd one word answers. And guess where it gets her? A spot on Bachelor in Paradise!! Harrison totally goes rogue and asks her right then and there to be on the show. Am I wrong, but I don't think she even gave him an answer? And she doesn't have to, because she's amazing and the best thing to ever happen to network television since Barbara Walters. I can't wait to see her forge an incredible friendship with the bachelor in paradise raccoon.

Jade is the next chick to be interviewed and she's the only person who sobs that I actually feel sorry for. She didn't get much closure with Farmer Lame and was really hurt when he said in his blog that Jade was totally different than the way her family described her and Farmer Chris found that "disturbing." Chris said the naked pictures didn't change anything in their relationship, so why did he send her home?!

Jade, let me break it down for you.
The woman in the center of this photo is Linda Rae Soules and she will not accept a daughter in law who stripped naked for Playboy. That is not the kind of woman who will seamlessly fit into life in Arlington.

I'm still so sick of this "can you see yourself living in Arlington" debate. Aside from Mama June, the only females who could see themselves living in Arlington are these ladies:
The last woman in the hot seat is Kaitlyn. It's hard to feel sorry for her when I know she could do SO much better than Farmer Chris and that she's probably going to be the next bachelorette and will have twenty five hot men to choose from. But she also wants closure and can't believe Chris made her suffer through a rose ceremony just to dump her. She's too good for Chris. She's literally that "cool girl" character in every movie written and directed by a guy. The hot, funny, outrageous, impulsive, chick who drinks whiskey and eats steak and cheeseburgers. She makes me feel like it's okay to still have my nose pierced.

Finally, Farmer Lame comes out so the woman can confront him. Britt insists on going up on stage, then gives Chris the longest most awkward hug in bachelor history. How is the studio audience so quiet?? If I was in that studio, I would be laughing my ASS off. Bitch still believes that Prince Farming is madly in love with her. She basically takes the opportunity to humiliate Carly by saying that she "duped" both of them and Chris is like "I didn't dump you because anyone told me to" and she's like "of course, you're not that small minded" even though she fully just said he was. At this point, Carly starts crying her eyes out, but no one notices or cares or gives her a silk handkerchief because Carly is invisible.

Sadly, this segment doesn't end with someone, anyone, punching Britt in the face. Sorry guys, but she brings out my most violent tendencies. And that's because I know exactly what she's doing-- making her last ditch effort to be the next bachelorette. This girl is so desperate to get famous, she would probably get a sex change to be the next bachelor.

When Kaitlyn confronts Chris for not giving her the courtesy of skipping the rose ceremony, he explains it all by saying "he could have flipped a coin" at that point to choose who to send home. SAY WHAT? Does that mean he KNOWS he wants to be with Whitney and when it came to Becca/Kaitlyn he could have sent either of them home? Who knows. I just really want to know why those rose ceremonies are so terrible. Is there no food and water? Does someone come out and whip the girls if they're not standing up straight? Do they have to look at photos of dead puppies to get those tense expressions on their faces right before he hands out a rose? Are there no bathroom breaks and the girls have to pee in adult diapers? Someone tell me!

The only other thing I would like to point out is that Kaitlyn and Chris boned in a fantasy suite and even she didn't insist on sitting next to him on stage the way Britt did. Oh wait, he and Britt boned too though right? After the hot air balloon date?

Jade gets the final opportunity to confront Chris and tells him how hurt she was that he used words like "disturbing" and "awkward" to describe their hometown date. Poor Jade. She's kind of the poster girl for what can happen to you if you pose naked for Playboy, but don't get super famous. Look, I really liked Jade, but I think being called a "wild mustang" by your brother + the naked pics kind of proved that she wants to be in the limelight and is trying to get famous. She seems so confused as to why Chris broke up with her when he said the naked pictures didn't change anything and all I can say to that is HE WAS LYING IT CHANGED EVERYTHING HOW CAN YOU BE SO DENSE JADE YOU ARE A WILD MUSTANG GET IT TOGETHER

Don't feel too sad for Jade, guys. She will probably be dating Derek Jeter in like two weeks.
The show finally ends with a blooper reel that has a shocking twist: Farmer Chris actually has a personality! I love when he tells that chick she ran right into his fart. Why couldn't we see more of that on the show? One of my friends said I've been way too hard on Chris in my recaps and that he seems like a nice sweet guy.  To that, I say:
Why is he wearing this scarf?

Next week is the finale folks and I don't have a good feeling about it. Chris Harrison didn't ask Chris Farmerson if he was in love and happy, etc etc. I have a feeling he may end up with no one. But does any of this even matter when there's a Chris Harrison romance novel we could all be reading?? All I can say is it's too bad that The Oprah Winfrey Show is no longer around, because The Perfect Letter would totally be an Oprah book club pick. Can't wait to read it!

Lastly, I will leave you with the notes that I took during the Women Tell All to give you a window into my thought process:


  1. You are soooo good at recapping the Bachelor! That was fucking hilarious!

  2. Britt was ridiculous last night. I don't even understand how anyone doesn't see through all of the fakeness. When farmer Chris walks at she starts bawling for no reason. Nothing even happened yet! But as people pointed out on twitter, she didn't immediately start bawling, it wasn't until the camera was on her that she started crying.. a cry the produced no actual tears by the way.

  3. How come nobody confronted Britt on her refusal to shower?!?!? Love your recaps, Kia introduced me to them last week! Julia

  4. Ugh. I *LOVE* your recaps so much but I totally hate how much you hate Britt! I mean - I do not LIKE Britt - but I actually reserve much of my hate for Carly! These recaps would be like, my perfect recaps, if you swapped your Britt-hate for Carly-hate. Regardless - great post!

    1. Wait, you need to explain. Please. Please explain. I don't understand. Thanks for reading the recaps! At least next week there won't be any mention of britt or carly I have to say, this might the only finale where I don't adamantly hate one of the final two. Becca and Whitney are both pretty harmless in my opinion.

  5. So just now on Twitter Jennifer Pooley recommended I check out your blog because I'm Bachelor obsessed, and I love this!

    Great recap. Do you think this is one of the best seasons? I see why you think Chris is lame, but honestly I think this is the most fun I've ever had watching the show. This season has been amazing. These girls, man. And I'm with you. Brit is an actress. Why were people cheering for her? I will NOT watch the Bahelorette if she is chosen.

    Also, do you watch Hart of Dixie? Just curious if I'm the only one who noticed Crickett in the audience of Women Tell All.