Thursday, April 23, 2015

BLOW OFF variety pack: the week in celebrity break-ups

This was a big week for celebrity relationship drama-- and it's not even Friday yet (when most famous people's publicists announce that due to conflicting schedules their clients are now getting divorced.) Let's recap, shall we?

Miley Cyrus & Patrick Shwarz-whatever have broken up. There was trouble in paradise a few weeks back when questionable photos of Patrick surfaced from spring break. Um, Miley Cyrus does not have time for this shit. She used to be engaged to Liam Hemsworth. Patty cakes was a step down as far as I'm concerned. #1 He's still in college #2 the apple might not fall that far from the tree when it comes to cheating and #3 Miley's career is kind of kicking ass. She either needs to focus on singing or find someone on her level. What about newly single Ed Sheeran?

Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin finalized their divorce. They are now officially consciously uncoupled. If this brings Martin one step closer to marrying Jennifer Lawrence, I might have to spend a day banging my head against the wall. Why oh why can't divorced men ever date women their own age?!
Ariana Grande & Big Sean have also split. They both have the word "big" in their names so they were doomed from the beginning.

And finally, in news straight out of the Bitter Ex-Boyfriend Monthly is the fact that Sofia Vergara's ex, Nick Loeb is suing her for their frozen embryos. THE FUCK?? These two used to be engaged, froze a couple embryos together, and then broke-up. Sofia's now engaged to Joe Manganiello (upgrade) and now Loeb doesn't want the embryos to be destroyed.

Vergara's camp says she never wanted them destroyed, but wanted to continue to store them with the agreement they would never be used. Nick says he really wants to be a dad and has a right to the embryos. I call bullshit. First of all, he would totally want those embryos thrown in the trash if he'd moved on to someone else. And like, he'd have to find a surrogate willing to be implanted with the embryos. Someone with a law degree tell me if he's got a case here, but if I was the one who got dumped, I'd want those embryos destroyed along with everything else that reminded me of the relationship. I think Loeb just wants the publicity and wants to make his ex miserable now that she's got herself a hot piece of ass. Either way, this shit is cray.
                       

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