Wednesday, April 22, 2015

So That Happn'd & The Blow Off

If you've read my book or blogs, you know I hate dating. Especially online dating. But since I don't want to end up alone with 10 cats, sometimes I swipe a few times on Tinder or browse Match (for free of course). So when a friend told me about the latest in dating apps, I was very skeptical.

For those of you who don't know, Happn shows you everyone you have crossed paths with. Literally. My friend informed me that Happn was responsible for the best online date he had EVER been on. So I decided to give it a shot. Why not? Besides, I reasoned, it was simply showing me who I crossed paths with. Giving fate a little nudge if you will.

I instantly saw the guy of my dreams. I shall call him Austin. Dark hair, blue eyes, glasses, goofy sense of humor, and we even shared a mutual friend. I had a really good feeling about this one. Usually I dread online dates and I have a 98% cancellation rate, but I was actually super excited to meet this guy. Our conversations were as witty and fun as I'd hoped they would be. He showed me funny videos that he made and he looked just as cute as in his pictures. Then the first red flag popped up. He said we could go for drinks, but that he was super busy for the next few weeks. This of course made me want to meet him more. I was intrigued.

It was a Friday night. There was a Jack & ginger (or 4). I was on the west side with one of my best friends (who also happens to be my old D-bag's roommate). The nostalgia was setting in. But I would not give in and text him! Everyone in my life has made it clear they would prefer I hook up with a homeless person over D-bag. So I texted Austin and told him I was comin on over. If we didn't like each other, I could sleep on the floor.

We liked each other. We talked, we had the sex, we laughed. In the morning I said I'd have to take the uber ride of shame. He said "ain't no shame in this game." I worried that I screwed things up by screwing him on the first...encounter. I can't even say date. But when we texted all week about anything and everything and made plans for a second encounter, I figured I was in the clear. I was not. Austin was a two hit wonder.

On our second encounter, I had taken an ambien (I was sleeping in a new guy's house on a "school night"). Under the influence of ambien, I have a tendency to talk about Celine Dion and the magical love that she and her much older husband share. The first time I ever took ambien, I was watching "Celine" on WE (Women's Entertainment) and was moved by their strange love story. So now whenever i take that happy little pill, whoever is in my presence will learn all about Celine Dion. On special occasions, I sing. Maybe this is why I'm still single. Anyway, Austin was treated to the unauthorized and unedited Celine Dion life story.

When I didn't hear from him for a week, I asked if Celine Dion had scared him away. He finally responded it was all good, but he just started seeing someone (that was a quick turnaround no?) Then my favorite part...He told me to wish him luck! Really? So I wished him good luck and proceeded to delete him from my life.

Maybe he was seeing someone the whole time and that's why he was oh so busy. But when the opportunity to fuck me came up, he didn't refuse. Maybe he's not seeing anyone and he just got what he wanted (and some things he didn't want like Celine Dion's life story).

So what did I learn from this experience? A few things.

1. Guys rarely buy the cow when they can get the milk for free. We should always make guys take us on actual dates.

2. No guy wants to hear Celine Dion's lifestory. (though if you happen to know a guy who does please send him my way as he just might be my soulmate)

So I haven't yet given up on this app. I'm still crossing paths with some cute guys and Austin gave me hope that I can actually meet a guy I'm into (he just may turn out to be a douche). I'll keep you posted on what happn's next!


  1. OMG this celine & Rene cut and funny moments is so magical. Made my day!

  2. Without complete context... if I just met someone and on the second 'date' she started taking ambien I'd be kinda weirded out. Not to mention the fact that texting a dude when you're drunk and going over gives the impression that you're just looking for a booty call.

    It seems likely that he didn't take you seriously (but obviously, who's gonna turn down casual sex with an attractive person), then he either met someone that he likes and had the decency to tell you... or he was freaked out by Celine deon.

  3. As an old man, I find the act of blithely popping a sleeping aid with known psychomorphic tendencies on a second encounter incomprehensible. But as a fan of Carl Wilson's book Let's Talk About Love: A Journey to the End of Taste I kind of want to hear the Celine story.

    You're welcome to sleep over anytime. As soon as we get the baby down you can have your pill and start the show. We're about done with Daredevil. No funny stuff, though.

  4. Wait, Sammi-- I also want to know-- did he KNOW you took an ambien?

  5. He did know I took an ambien, yes. And we had texted about me being on it before. But 100% I gave the impression that I was just looking for a booty call. And I do not blame him for not taking me seriously. I do blame him for telling me to wish him luck.

    And thanks for your generous offer Josh - but I will politely decline.

    1. I think maybe hold off on prescription drug talk next time. Also, I think maybe we should reconsider Josh's offer. He might be on to something, we could do a traveling Celine/Rene troupe where we go door to door and share their love story-- sort of like mormons, but different. Final thought: The fact that the guy asked you to wish him luck with the new person he's dating might mean that he's seriously the devil.

    2. No expiration date, either. Trust me, we're not going anywhere.

  6. That's definitely an incredibly awkward comment.

  7. Haha yes! I feel like i got used to being with the same guy who was aware of this craziness that I forgot prescription drug talk should probably be saved for until a guy is already invested. I do love the idea of a Celine/Renee troup. Their magical love story def needs to be shared. I'm in!