Monday, May 25, 2015

happy 4th annual forgetting day!

The most important holiday today is Memorial Day where we remember the people who died serving in the armed forces, but mostly where Americans just eat a lot of hot dogs. The second most important holiday today is FORGETTING DAY. Sure, this is a holiday invented by... me, but it's been going strong for four years now.

Forgetting Day is all about moving on from that ex who took a giant poop all over your heart. So, how do you celebrate? Here are a few suggestions:

Delete all those emails and text messages you've been holding on to.

Block him or her on Facebook. Stop following him on Instagram. Your ex is a snap chat. Make him disappear from your brain in seven seconds.

Hide all of your ex's friends and family members from your Facebook newsfeed.

Do you have a small collection of your ex's things? Now is the time to throw them all away. I know they're not just a pile of things. They're your insurance policy. They're your one last excuse to see your ex in person again. Stick them in a box and take that box to your nearest UPS store and ship that shit away.

Buy new sheets for your bed. Sheets that have never been touched by your ex.

Archive your photos. It might be too soon to throw them away, but stick them in a file and stick that file in another file and stick that file in another file until you can't remember what freaking file those pictures are in.

Delete all photos of the two of you from all of your social media sites.

Cancel those "let's catch up" plans you have on your calendar. It'll just be painful and not what you want it to be anyway.

Stop listening to all the music you used to listen to together. Make a new playlist. Discover a new band. Listen to that album your ex would make fun of you for loving (ahem, 1989).

Remember... the shittiest memory. Write it out if you have to. While you are suffering this loss, your mind is probably taking inventory of all the best moments you had together and all the things about your ex that you will miss. Don't think about those memories today. Dwell on the bad stuff. The stuff that will make you remember why your ex deserves to be celebrated like the motherfucker that he (or she) is on National Forgetting Day.

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