Friday, May 29, 2015

RIP: Chris Soules & Whitney Bischoff

The most recent bachelor and his former-fiancee released this joint statement:

Whitney Bischoff and Chris Soules have mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement.They part with nothing but respect and admiration for one another and will continue to be supportive friends. They wish to thank everyone who has supported them through this journey.

Okay, it's never really a big shocker when two people end their engagement after meeting on a reality TV show, going out on a total of three dates while being filmed by a camera crew, and getting one night of sex in a hotel room called the fantasy suite. Chris and Whitney had a lot working against them.

#1 Arlington, Iowa. Chris's hometown that doesn't even have a coffee shop, restaurant, bar, or post office. The only thing to do in this place is go to high school football games, plant corn, and go to church. I'm guessing Whitey spent a three day weekend there and was like "NO!" Plus, she probably thought they'd be moving to LA.

#2 These two definitely fucked at least once after dancing the jive, right?
ABC needs to stop turning their bachelors into Dancing with the Stars contestants. It's a recipe for disaster. Sean and Catherine practically deserve a marital medal of honor for not only staying together after The Bachelor, but making it through his stint on DWTS.

#3 Sources say Chris Soules is a bit of an alcoholic. I could see how Whitney wouldn't have known that during their season. It's a pretty controlled environment where the producers are putting a cap on how much their bachelor can drink. Think about it. They could lose an entire day of shooting if Prince Farming gets shit-faced. Plus, they're all drinking all the time. But once the show was over and there were no more cocktail parties and rose ceremonies, Whitney was probs like "I did NOT sign up for whiskey dick."

#4 Bachelor in Paradise starts filming soon and now that Dancing with the Stars is over, Chris needs to find his next reality TV stint. I'd say there's a 99% chance he shows up there.

But seriously, who cares about real-life former contestants when we've got this show to watch. My favorite line from this trailer is "Why are you letting Adam get all up in your vadge?"

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