The votes are FINALLY in and it's time for Chris Harrison to tell the ladies which one of them is going to be the next bachelorette. Someone give this man the nobel peace prize, because it could not have been easy to deliver this news. First, he goes to Britt who's sitting outside looking all beautiful and angelic in her white dress, already fantasizing about dancing with Val Chmerkovskiy once the season ends and she joins the cast of Dancing with the Stars. But alas, all of her dreams are dashed when Harrison tells her that the roses have been counted and the majority of the men want her kicked out of the house, stat. Britt is shocked. She's like "I don't understand, I'm SO pretty. Bad things don't happen to people who look like me. Kaitlyn has a snaggle tooth, are you sure the producers know how to count? I gave so many free hugs. I talked about wanting an adventure-partner. I could have been a contender!"
In all honesty, I feel bad for Britt. You get paid cash-money to be The Bachelorette, so technically, she's also being told: Bitch, your ass is gonna be broke. Of course, because this show is cruel and all kinds of fucked-up, Harrison quickly ushers Britt-Britt into a limo and sends her on her way. She doesn't get to say good-bye to Kaitlyn or any of the men. Instead, we are subjected to the classic back seat of the limo ride where she cries and says things like "what am I doing wrong? Why will I never find love? How am I going to pay my rent now that my contract has ended?" I will say, Britt handled it better than I expected BUT I'M SO HAPPY SHE'S NOT THE BACHELORETTE! HALLELUJAH! PRAISE JESUS! PRAISE ALLAH! PRAISE CHRIST HARRISON!
Next, Harrison goes up to Kaitlyn and does a total mind fuck when he says-- the votes are counted and unfortunately, we had to send Britt home and you're the next Bachelorette. If I didn't already love Kaitlyn, I love her so much more for not being a poor winner. She was obviously super excited, but one of the first things she asked was if Britt was okay. Was it just me or did it seem like Harrison was also really happy that she was the next Bachelorette? You can tell they're besties.
What sucks is that they never told us how the votes broke out. Harrison told Britt that it was very close, but I don't think it actually was. And I would bet my pug on it that ABC purposely cast more men who were Team Kaitlyn, because they knew 98% of Americans did not want Britt to be the bachelorette.
What's totally disgusting and manipulative about this whole thing is that it brain-washed me into thinking that being The Bachelorette is the most amazing thing ever. When Kaitlyn calls her mom to break the news, my heart swells and I start to cry a little. It's like-- she just won an Oscar or a gold medal. Obviously, I start slapping myself in the face repeatedly to snap out of it, but then I get a bad bruise on my face and I call the Healer (AKA the spiritual gangster) and he comes over and we make out with all of my house plants and then I feel better.
The good news is shared with the guys when Harrison introduces the new Bachelorette and Kaitlyn walks in. Some of the guys cream their pants out of happiness, while a few others are like "GROSS!" What's actually amazing about this whole thing is how quickly the Team Britt guys are like Britt who? This was a fascinating social experiment on the male psyche. Once Britt's vagina was no longer an option, they were like "that's cool. A vagina's a vagina. I'm here to be the next Bachelor anyway."
And that's when I finally realize this two bachelorette thing was actually completely genius, because the whole season will have the "but you voted for Britt" issue which will make for the most dramatic moments in the history of television. But for now the rest of the episode turns into a boring ass cocktail party where the guys work hard to convince Queen Kaitlyn of house Bristowe that they deserve to get a rose at the end of the night.
I will spare you some of the boring details, but here are the highlights.
Best use of strategy: Jared (AKA Love Man) is I believe the only guys who actually admits to Kaitlyn that he voted for Britt and it's a smooth move on his part. It's best to get that out of the way now and not have her find out five episodes later. Plus, he gets extra points for honesty. And he does manage to get a rose.
Most boring conversation: Ben from San Jose (my hometown!) who talks about how important fitness is to him. Seriously, there are like five personal trainers in this house. The only thing more boring than listening to someone talk about a dream they had last night is hearing them talk about what they did at the gym. Ben, your mom died when you were fourteen. This is called Bachelorette Gold. Have you never watched the show? You need to open with that! He still gets a rose.
Most surprising connection: Queen Kaitlyn seemed to make a connection with JJ (who I believe voted for Britt) and who I also believe used to be a cartoon character who got turned into a person.
First runner up for chemistry: The Dentist. Day-um. I love this guy. He was also the first person in the house to get a kiss.
Most likely to leave home early even though he's probably the best guy in the house for Kaitlyn: Ian. As in hot non-white guy. As in he went to Princeton. As in he rebuilt his sexy body after getting hit by a car so he's kind of superman. He's in my top three (Dentist, Ian, and Shawn M), and he's probably the most into Kaitlyn, but women are dumb and don't like men who are super into them. Also, he didn't get much screen time in this episode and was one of the last dudes to get a rose. ALSO, in the scenes from the season, we don't see much of him at all aside from one scene where he tells Kaitlyn he thinks she's here just to kiss a lot of guys on TV. Some of you may call this slut-shaming, but I actually think he's one of those alien men who came on the show to find love and he's genuinely jealous of seeing her with other guys. It's REALLY too bad that he doesn't make it far, because he would be one hot Bachelor.
Most surprising person to get a rose: The Healer. Who was practically curled up in the fetal position all night crying that Britt did not get to be the Bachelorette. And who has an inexplicable black eye.
Most surprising person NOT to get a rose: Hot tub car guy obviously. I mean, who cares if he kind of looks like a young Rodney Dangerfield and who cares if he wore an ugly suit and who cares if he's an amateur sex coach. He rented a hot tub car. HE should be the next bachelor. Or he should at least come back to give the men free consultations right before the fantasy suite dates.
Most interesting piece of news to circulate post-finale: Drunk Ryan gave an interview to TMZ where he pretty much says how much he loves rape (seriously) BUT that's not the important part, guys. He also says that he got really drunk, because he was there for Britt but it was obvious early on that she wouldn't be the bachelorette so he decided to just pour fireball down his throat instead and rape everyone. It's going to be SO awesome when this guy gets thrown in jail for something and GETS RAPED ALL NIGHT LONG.
Best Gift: It's still the drawing of Chris Harrison on a Triceratops, but also the welded rose.
Most delusional/weird/romantic (?) moment: When Tone Deaf Brady stops the rose ceremony, because he needs to go see about a girl. He tells Kaitlyn that his heart is with Britt and he wants to go see her, so she's like peace out dum-dum. And clearly, Chris Harrison cannot be trusted, because he's like "here's where she's staying, brah. Good luck!" What if this man is a serial killer? During the end credits, we see Brady knock on her door. I'm hoping we get little Britt and Brady moments throughout the whole season, but someone please remind him that she doesn't even like country music and didn't know who Big & Rich were.
Most confusing moment of the episode: WHAT TIME IS IT? It's DAYLIGHT when the guys leave the house. I literally think these people have been awake for almost twenty-four hours. Was it like three in the morning when Kaitlyn found out she'd be the bachelorette? Aren't there labor laws against this? Do they get little nap breaks in between shots?
Best part of the episode: Um, scenes from the entire season obviously. It's going to be awesome. Not only do we get an Amy Schumer cameo, but Kaitlyn just seems fun and cool the whole time. Creepy Nick shows up and she lets him stay and makes out with him a lot (this part does make me question her judgment). She does stand up comedy. She locks herself in a hotel room with one of the guys and they have a quick fucky fucky session while the producers try to break in. Then, it all goes downhill when she slut-shames herself for having sex with someone and decides she needs to come clean with the guys and all hell breaks loose. Could you guys even imagine if The Bachelor was crying and saying how bad he felt for having sex with someone??? Think about that for a second. It's ridiculous, right? The image of it almost makes you giggle. Ugh. I hope there's a slut-shaming PSA at the end of this one.
BUT, let's go back to creepy Nick. I love how the producers just let anyone show up whenever they want to be on the show. Here are a few other guys who I think should show up to date Kaitlyn: