Wednesday, May 27, 2015

the bachelorette: episode 3 recap

The episode begins with Queen Kaitlyn waking up in her beautiful Bachelorette home. Luckily, the producers did not put her in an airstream in the driveway like they did with Farmer Chris. They were most likely worried for her safety if she was within walking distance of the men. I get a date rape vibe from about 95% of these dudes, so I'm hoping Kaitlyn's house comes with armed guards, a force field, ADT security, and sprinklers that eject pepper spray.

Chris Harrison (taking yet another fashion risk with a double pocket zipper shirt) shows up at the house for some girl talk with Queen Kaitlyn and she's all like "I'm the luckiest girl in the world" and Chris is like: "What about Britt?!" Ugh, what a Debbie Downer! Can we stop talking about Britt already? She's GONE. Dunzo. On a one way ride to Bachelor in Paradise. Kaitlyn is literally like: "Who? What? When? Where? How? Britt? No speaka da English."

But this is actually the perfect segue to Britt hanging out in her hotel room and calling her mom to break the bad news: she's coming home. Poor Britt. I guess she doesn't live in LA anymore and moved back in with her parents. Someone should have told her that free hugs do not pay the rent. In a shocking turn of events, Britt Britt starts crying and when their convo ends, her mom is literally like "bye, pretty" proving that even her own mother thinks she's nothing more than a pretty face.

In a totally unplanned, unscripted, surprise move that cameras just happened to be around to capture, Brady knocks on Britt's hotel room door and they share an awkward hug and he says he's here to see how she's doing (that's code for "I'm here with a vile of sperm, because my period tracker app says you're ovulating and maybe you should just take a little nap so I can secretly impregnate you.") We are told to stay tuned to see what happens between these two.

Group date time! If The Bachelor demeans women by making them wear bikinis, while riding tractors in the snow, then The Bachelorette demeans men by making them beat the shit out of each other. First of all, this is like the tenth time we've seen dudes box on The Bachelorette. We've also seen them wrestle. We've probably seen them do karate and krav maga too. Here's how I feel about this entire group date:
The big drama on this group date (now pay attention guys, this will become important later) is that Kupah ignored Khaleesi Kaitlyn the entire time, while he focused on his fitness and rubbed elbows with Laila Ali. Look, Kupah has his eyes on the prize. He voted for Britt, he wants a trophy wife, he's not interested in Kaitlyn, and now he's just treating this show like an extended casting call to be the next bachelor. Why talk to some skinny toothy chick he's not interested in when he can burn some calories, flex his muscles, and maybe even get offered an amateur boxing contract?

My most favorite part of this group date is when Kaitlyn literally says "I really didn't want anyone to get hurt" on the GROUP BOXING DATE. I will spare you all the boring details only to say that Jared (AKA Love Man) surpassed everyone's expectations by making it to the boxing championship rounds against Ben Z (my homie from San Jose, CA). Since Ben Z weights about 50 pounds more than Love Man, he kicks his butt and sends Jared to the hospital. Luckily, the doctors called in Mr. Miyagi and....

.... Jared survived! But don't feel too sorry for him. He finds a way to crash the cocktail party on his way home from the hospital by getting a note delivered to Kaitlyn. They walk around Hollywood Boulevard together and she's like "I'm so sorry you got concussed and will have brain damage for the rest of your life" and he's like "Can't wait to touch your butt and boobs in the fantasy suite." Honestly, I have no fucking clue what these two talked about because I zoned out during this portion of the show and started counting my eyelashes, because that seemed like way more fun than watching this bullshit.

Even though Jared got severe brain damage for Queen Kaitlyn, he did not manage to win the group date rose. That honor went to Ben Z (the guy who gave Jared brain damage), because he brought out the big guns tonight and told Kaitlyn the really tragic story about losing his mother. Kaitlyn's "I'm so interested in your sad life" face is slightly better than Andi's, but she still seems like:
And afterward, she says she's "intrigued" by Ben Z. This may have less to do with his dead mom and more to do with the fact that THEY BOTH LOVE TO COOK. Can you believe that, you guys? Have you ever met two people who like to cook? What's next--- they both love to eat? Just cancel the show and let these guys get married, because they're obviously soul mates. GAME OVER.

Back at the house, Clint gets the first one on one date of the season. I'm very surprised by this, because I assumed Shawn B would be given this honor. Speaking of Shawn B, he has like twelve seconds of screen time in this episode which in my humble opinion was more tragic than the earthquakes in Nepal. Shawn B is my everything. The truth is, we kind of had a moment on Twitter.
We're in love, obvi.

But Clint did draw a picture of Christ Harrison riding a dinosaur, so.... I can't really blame Kaitlyn for wanting to reward him with a solo date. She drives them to a house where we're told they'll be doing a fashion shoot under the water. There's actually a woman there whose job is "conceptual underwater photographer." That's a career? How conceptual does it have to be? It's already under water. I will admit, this date was kind of cool even if all the pictures made them look like creepy dead bodies. If I had to give this date a title it would be Lady in the Water, which is also the worst movie ever made.

Kaitlyn and Clint do a lot of making out in the water and it kind of reminds me of this:
Where's the conceptual underwater photographer when you really need her? 

Basically, all Vincent Van Clint and Kaitlyn discuss during the dinner portion of their date is how they have a lot of chemistry. Kaitlyn gives him a rose and utters the words every person has always wanted to hear about their time together: "I was really stoked on it."

Meanwhile, back at the house, Tony the Healer says he hates boxing and waxes poetic about love and connections and dream catchers and namaste and that love is all about being selfless and present and having discussions about possibilities. He ends with this final thought: love is as perennial as the grass. And all the others guys are like "So, about that circle jerk... is that a yes or a no?"

I LOVE Troy the Healer, because he knows the way to my heart: A retweet.
If group dates weren't already bad enough, we have to suffer through two in this episode. Luckily, this second one includes a cameo from Amy Schumer who steals the entire show (naturally). Can she just be The Bachelorette and put us all out of our misery? She brings a few female comics to help the guys do stand up and JJ, whose Native American name would be "big jaw, tiny mouth" is feeling extra cocky. He tells Amy that his jokes are too smart for 90% of the audience. In the greatest response ever, Amazing Amy is like "I'm going to make you feel better JJ. They're not." Her other great quote of the night: "JJ is a sweetheart, he's just missing, like, charisma, humility, and a sense of humor." Oh God, I wish Amy Schumer could just write these recaps for me.

And yet despite Schumer's spot on description, JJ Douche-face still gets the group date rose. Hmmmm. I'm beginning to lose faith in Kaitlyn, guys. Not to mention I was really expecting her to do a little stand up. All this time we've pegged her as this hilarious comedian BUT now I'm thinking she just checked this book out of the library, added a few F bombs, and has been quoting jokes from it left and right. If I was this Genevieve Plotner, I would be PISSED.
Let's finally get to the most interesting part of this episode, because the show up until now was about as entertaining as watching me pick blackheads off of a Biore strip. It's finally cocktail hour time and all the guys with roses have decided that out of respect for the rest of men, they will not take up any more of Kaitlyn's time. But in a move that can only be described as straight out of Nazi Germany, JJ Fat Jaw totally breaks the peace treaty and takes Kaitlyn away the first chance he gets. All of the dudes are so mad, they're ready to cut off his balls, cook them with a little olive oil and fresh rosemary, and feed it to him with creamy polenta on the side.

But who cares about JJ. The best part of the cocktail party is Supah Kupah's downward spiral. Suddenly, it dawns on Kupah: I'm one of the only three ethnically diverse men on this show. Am I just the token minority? Is Kaitlyn just keeping me around, because she doesn't want America to think she's racist? The answer is definitely yes, but Kupah decides he needs to go to the source and see if Kaitlyn likes her coffee like her men: black with a healthy dose of Roid Rage.

Kaitlyn tries to reassure Poopah Kupah by telling him that she did feel like they had a connection, because they both like... wait for it... music. OMG. When was the last time in your life you ever heard anyone say "I really don't like music"? This is not the kind of things you build a relationship on, people. She puts him on blast for ignoring her during the boxing date and Kupah tries his best to explain why he seemed completely disinterested in her. Surprisingly, he doesn't tell her that he A. Voted for Britt. B. Wants a trophy wife. C. Isn't attracted to her. D. Needs to stay on the show so he can change history by becoming the first black bachelor.

Their conversation is all kinds of awkward. He walks away, then fills the guys in on what happened, and Kaitlyn overhears him and she's not happy. This is such a rookie mistake. Sure, he didn't think Queen Kaitlyn of Herpes Bachelor House was within earshot, BUT you can't ever paint the bachelorette in a negative light without immediately getting kicked out of the house. She's pretty much like:
She tells Kupah he needs to leave. Kupah, who apparently doesn't understand how this show works, is like: I'm not going home. He literally says "we both like movies and movie quotes and sweat pants" but Kaitlyn's somehow not convinced by that incredibly passionate argument. And then Kupah has a full on meltdown. It's kind of like this:



And then once he leaves and it's time for his exit interview, he's all like:

Proving once again that ABC hates us, the show ends with Kaitlyn running out to confront Kupah. Which means... we don't get to see the rose ceremony till next week. See the previous GIF for my reaction to that little doozy.

But let's not forget about the saga of Brady and Britt. The last time there was a love story this epic it was when Julia Ormond boned all three of the Ludlow brothers in Legends of the Fall.

We learn that Brady and Britt have spent an entire week together in LA. SO, that means ABC paid to extend their stay cause Britt is broke as a joke. They frolic around LA together and at one point, Brady is like "Will you be my girl?" and she's like "yeah! Brady is my boyfriend."

This is the biggest pile of horse shit ever. Seriously, the ghost of Christmas past could have shown up at Britt's door and she would have been like "wanna be girlfriend and boyfriend?" Brady's not even one of the top twenty hot guys in the house. Sigh. How the mighty have fallen. Here's hoping next week, Kupah shows up to steal Britt from Brady and like sands through the hour glass so are the days of our lives.

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