Wednesday, May 20, 2015

the bachelorette(s) & the BLOW OFF: episode 1

While I still think that this two bachelorette thing was totally sexist and cruel, I will admit, it did make for a more interesting premiere episode. As you all know, I am team Kaitlyn through and through. Basically, any time one of the guys said he was on the show for Britt, he went from being relatively handsome to looking like like Chet in Weird Science:

You may be asking: Saaara, why do you hate Britt so much? It's more that I like Kaitlyn way better. She seems more authentic and has an actual personality. Seriously, what's Britt's personality besides smiling a lot and saying "awwww, thank you"? On Farmer Chris's season, I got the feeling that Kaitlyn was being herself (in hopes of landing a recurring role on an ABC sitcom) and Britt was playin' da game. (that last part should be read in a Jamaican accent).

Also, I don't trust women who A) sleep with their make up on and B) aren't slightly neurotic and self-deprecating. Britt oozes in confidence. During the first half of this episode, she pretty much assumed the men would be totally brittnotized, would place all of their roses in her wooden box, and would sacrifice Kaitlyn and all of her future babies to the night walkers. A woman like Britt probably couldn't begin to understand the intricacies of a character like Liz Lemon, whereas Kaitlyn probably quotes Liz Lemon in everyday conversation. I rest my case, Chris Harrison.

Moving on. I'm going to try something a little different by doing the rest of this recap entirely in superlatives:

Most improved: This one is a tie between Chris Harrison and Britt. I really liked Harrison's new hairdo and he really stepped it up by sporting a vest under his suit. I would like to see him take more fashion risks this season. Maybe instead of your typical button down, he could throw on a graphic tee or some leather chaps. And Britt took one look at her face on The Bachelor and said... hmmm... maybe hot pink lipstick and winged eye-liner isn't actually a good look.
Best taped package: I'm going to go with the "healer" on this one, because he talks to plants, tells them he loves them, and kisses them. He says he specializes in flexibility therapy, but I think that's just a really fancy way to say "chiropractor." I don't think he's going to find love on The Bachelorette. I think his soul mate is:
Worst taped package: Jared AKA Love Man. Look, unless you can fly in the air, stop an airplane from crashing with the strength of your biceps, scale a building by spewing spider webs out of your fingertips, then you're NOT a super hero. Dude, you took a sharpie and drew a heart on a Hanes T-shirt. BUT, dog with a cape I can get on board with. 

Most in need of a reality check: Brady. The country singer who lives in Nashville, but sings about as well as Britney Spears without auto-tune.

Most random town we've never heard of: Kuna, Idaho. Their town anthem is totally:

Best sob story: Ian AKA hit by a car guy. Sorry, but this trumps "mom who died when I was a teenager". Ian was a runner at Princeton, but then he got hit by a car, was in a coma for a day, and doctors told him he would never run again. He was in a wheelchair for a month, but he refused to give up. He rebuilt his hot body and is now able to run again. Also, he's not white. Also, he's here for Kaitlyn. He's totally the frontrunner (you're welcome).

Most Unlikely to be a contestant on The Bachelorette: Ian. Who went to Princeton. Who is a runner. Who has a hot body. Who is not white.

Best limo entrance: I'm gonna go with the hot tub car guy, because that shit was super original, he had to get his pants, socks, and shoes wet, and he brought back some amazing childhood memories from my favorite cartoon Beverly Hills Teens.                
Cupcake guy is the first runner-up. But he's also a dentist and I thought rolling in on a sugary treat was a little bit irresponsible of him. It would be like an oncologist rolling in on a malignant tumor.

Most awkward salutation: The guy who said "hey, Disney Princess" to Britt.

Best one-liner: The hockey player who tells Kaitlyn he definitely wants to puck her. Sorry. I'm a sucker for a good pun. 

Most awkward limo greeting: The male stripper. When are male strippers going to realize that unless you're Channing Tatum and we're watching you in a movie, we all think you're really gross and creepy. Save the bumping and grinding for sad, middle-aged, housewives who don't ever get any male attention from their emotionally abusive husbands. 

Best Gift: Duh. This shit needs to be placed in the Guggenheim, stat. We need to get the guy who drew this to start an Etsy page, so I can buy a print and hang it on my ceiling above my bed.
Best Most Awkward Moment (AKA best bait and switch): When hottie Shawn M stepped out of the limo, charmingly asked for a group hug, then made it seem like he was totally into Britt and gave her a lady boner, then walked over to Kaitlyn and said "You're the reason I'm here." And Britt was like... FML. You guys. This was like Jake Ryan walking right past Caroline and straight into Samantha's arms. (If you don't understand this cinematic reference, then we can't be friends.) Shawn M... he is proof that you don't actually have to be the best looking guy to score off the charts on a Fuckable Aptitude Test. Kaitlyn basically said he made her horny. He's also responsible for my most successful tweet of the night:
As some of you pointed out, he's also the spitting image of Calvin Harris. I'm a little sad that he's a personal trainer, because... that's like the equivalent of being a dental hygienist on The Bachelor, but I'm not going to complain when one of these ladies sits on his back while he does push-ups.

Most shut-the-fuck-up moment: When Kupah said Britt is a trophy wife and Kaitlyn is a wife and Brady asked him "do you want a trophy wife?" and he was like "I do." 

Most dangerous cocktail: Fireball on the rocks.

Most likely to be a rapist: Drunk Ryan. Not only did he pretty much sexually assault both of the women, but he made jokes about rape, then tried to make hot tub car guy feel like he was the scum of the earth. I am 99.99% positive that Drunk Ryan thought they were all voting for which girl they would gang bang at the end of the episode. It's a bummer, because he was actually kind of hot, but alas, he's a rapist. Chris Harrison had to take matters into his own hands and ask him to leave the house. Here's an interesting piece of trivia: Drunk Ryan is the ex-boyfriend of Nikki (AKA Juan Pablo's ex-girlfriend).

Most likely to play himself as the villain in an 80s movie: Drunk Ryan.

Most likely to have made huskie kids cry on the playground as a child: Drunk Ryan.

Most likely to defend Bill Cosby in an argument: Drunk Ryan.

Most likely to snag a spot on Bachelor in Paradise: Drunk Ryan.

Most likely to have been driving the car that hit Hot Ian: Drunk Ryan.

Most likely to cry if Britt does not get to be the bachelorette: This one is a tie between Britt and Brady-- the mediocre country singer from Nashville with the douche-bag hairstyle. He's already so in love with her, I bet he keeps a secret calendar of her menstrual cycle and is waiting till she falls asleep, so that he can inject her with a vile of his sperm while she's ovulating.

Most likely to cry if Kaitlyn does not get to be the bachelorette: ME, OBVIOUSLY.

Worst job title: AMATEUR sex coach. 

Most "This is not real life" moment: When the ladies make a toast and Kaitlyn cracks a joke and Britt says she's here to meet her best friend and adventure partner and all of the guys are like "I want the girl who's more genuine and takes this more seriously and doesn't crack jokes." To that I say:
Most telling moment about last season: When Kaitlyn told one of the guys that Prince Farming NEVER asked her what the dove tattoos on her arms were all about. The fuck. I mean, she made it to the fantasy suite. They boned. They probably did it doggy-style, in which case he had a very good view of her triceps and he never asked what her tats were all about? DICK.

Most lame attempt at screen time: When hot tub car guy decided to confront Drunk Ryan the Rapist for sitting on the steps during his entrance and berating him for how stupid his hot tub car was. #1 Drunk Ryan needs to know that the only thing cooler than a hot tub car is a hot tub time machine car that could take me back to 1991, so I could get a job writing for Beverly Hills, 90210 and convince all of the writers that Brenda and Dylan cannot break up. #2 Drunk Ryan blacked out two hours ago and has no idea what you're talking about. He's like: "You do suck. Also, when do we rape?"

Best smile: The dentist. That guy could fill my cavity anytime.

Best Looking: Britt.

Best Personality: Kaitlyn. 

Of course, because ABC hates us, they ended the episode ON A CLIFFHANGER. How could they expect us to sleep through the night without knowing who the next Bachelorette is going to be? The last time I was this panicked, it was the year 2000 and I went to bed not knowing if Gore would be President and we all know how that one turned out (thanks a lot, Florida!) Come back tomorrow for the recap on episode 2!


  1. Your posts make it all with it. They make me want to LIVE.

  2. I love this comment so much!