Tuesday, June 2, 2015

the bachelorette: episode 4 recap

The episode picks up where last week left off with Kupah in the throws of a mental breakdown and Queen Kaitlyn Khaleesi making the difficult decision to unleash her dragon babies on him and burn him to death. Now that's what we could really call "the most dramatic episode in Bachelorette history." But since ABC couldn't afford the CGI, Kaitlyn just walks out and is like "you're being really loud, I'm trying to tape an interview, this shit isn't about you, go home." Kupah pretends to be sane, but then once Kaitlyn's gone, he calls her ugly and says he doesn't like her. The best part of Kupah's exit is that he takes his cocktail with him when he leaves. Gotta love a guy who's like "I'm drinking every last drop of the free booze."

If anyone from ABC is reading this, I'd like to say that Kupah's departure was a wasted opportunity. What if that van took him straight to Britt's hotel room and we had an ongoing Brady/Britt/Kupah love triangle for the rest of the season? Why not just have all of Kaitlyn's rejects show up at Britt's hotel and you guys could do a web series called "Britt, Please" where Britt has to eliminate guys every week but instead of roses she gives them carnations, because budget cuts. 

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony. My favorite part about this is that half the guys have black eyes from the boxing date. The way these group dates are going, I'm really hoping that by the end of the season some of these guys are missing limbs and are in wheelchairs. Except for Ian, because he's already been hit by a car and that just wouldn't be right. Three guys no one cares about are sent home, but everyone is shocked when Tony the healer gets a rose. I love Tony because he actually says that he left his bonsai trees to find love. I'm worried about these trees. Is anyone trimming and watering them? Remember how ABC had that stupid live feed of Sean and Catherine's hotel room on their wedding night? Well, I think we should get a little live feed of the bonsai trees. Otherwise, how will we know if they aren't cheating on Tony with a cactus?

The following morning, two sumo wrestlers show up and wake the guys up by screaming in their faces. It's time for yet ANOTHER fucking group date. What is this shit? Usually, Chris Harrison shows up to explain how the week is going to go and correct me if I'm wrong-- but isn't there always two one on one dates and ONE group date? I blame these budget cuts on the box office flop of Tomorrowland. Fuck you, George Clooney. Fuck you.

Harrison does arrive to introduce the sumo champions and tells us that one of them is 600 pounds and that he is the heaviest Japanese human ever. Shut. Up. That's such an odd accomplishment. Please let him be the next bachelor or at least put him in an episode of extreme makeover weight loss edition. This might be controversial, but I actually don't believe he's 600 pounds. I want a scale and I want proof. Most people who are that heavy are confined to their beds and have to be airlifted to get anywhere. He is impressively mobile.

The guys put on these loin cloth sumo diapers and are taken to... the front yard to wrestle each other Seriously, ABC? You couldn't even spring for a rooftop with cheap outdoor furniture? The group date is literally in the driveway? Due to the design of the loin cloth diapers, this sequence is filled with blurred out asses and balls. I would pay someone $200 to get me the unedited footage. You can't tease me with Tony's lack of ass and Joe's left ball and not show me the goods.

In a strange move that makes absolutely no sense, Tony fights the sumo wrestler then leaves the group date, because he doesn't like violence. Kaitlyn follows him to make sure he's okay and he simply explains that he has the heart of a gypsy and sees the world through the eyes of a child and that he's worked really hard on his advancement. He points out that they had a boxing date last week and he's just no cool with all the fighting. Just as Tony convinces us that he's a pacifist, JJ shows up and Tony freaks out and is like "get the fuck out of here!" To be fair to Tony, JJ is probably the biggest douchebag in the house and maybe Tony just didn't like the look of his testicles squeezing out of his canvas loincloth.

As you all know, I think Tony brings a much-needed Matthew McConaughey element to this show and I 100% agree with him on the sumo wrestling date. I think what Tony is really trying to say is that he's seen this show and he's done with these generic cheap dates when they could be going on "a boat ride" or go "sky-diving." I don't think it's the violence that upsets him, it's the lack of creativity and monetary funds spent on these dates. Keep on fighting the good fight, Tony. But by fighting, I don't mean fighting. Violence is wrong. Ugh. You know what I mean Tony Toni Tone.

If this whole sumo wrestling date wasn't boring enough, the show takes the group date to Universal City Walk (basically, the place no one who lives in LA actually ever wants to go to) and the guys sumo wrestle in front of a crowd of innocent bystanders who were told nothing about exposed testicles when they signed their releases. Tony skips this portion of the date, because he'd much rather get home and make out with his bonsais. He packs his bags and shows up at the cocktail party portion of the date to say good bye and tell Kaitlyn he "can't participate in this circus anymore" and that he's leaving her for his miniature trees. I am really sad to see him go, but I would really LOVE it if he ends up on Bachelor in Paradise and falls in love with Ashley from Farmer Chris's season and they travel to Mesa Verde together.

At this time, I would like to break into our regularly scheduled recap to say: Did Kaitlyn look sort of busted in this episode? Before you yell at me, please keep in mind that I have never been very kind to the Bachelorettes. I make fun of them, A LOT. I had high expectations for Kaitlyn, but so far we're not getting a lot of the funny which means her awesome personality is no longer distracting me from her slightly trashy looks. I was really hoping she would use this opportunity to launch her comedy career, but instead she's just making out with everyone while sporting really stringy hair and bad outfits. Is ABC so dirt poor they had to fire the hair and make up people? I don't understand. Between her skinny frame, bad hair, and questionable teeth I'm getting major crystal meth addict vibes. All of that said, I still love her.

The group date rose goes to Hot Shawn Gosling for no other reason other than his hotness. I still think his lack of screen time is as big of a calamity as the drought in California. The weird moment of drama during this date is when Kaitlyn of House Bristowe calls Clint out for not kissing her ass and trying to make out with her during the date. Frankly, she's disappointed and is going to punish him by making him fight to the death with Chris Harrison right outside of the CPK in Universal City Walk, while she makes out with JJ.

The only one on one date of the episode goes to my homie from San Jose, California: Benzi. Kaitlyn and Ben have to escape a scary room that has snakes, rats, birds, poop, roaches, and a scary guy (Juan Pablo) hiding in a bed. Queen Kaitlyn freaks the fuck out when she sees a bird in the room which is highly suspicious considering she has two bird tattoos on her arms. There can only be one explanation: what we've really been watching for the last few weeks is the reality TV version of Black Swan. Britt was the white swan, Kaitlyn is the black swan. She's slowly turning into a bird and doesn't want us to realize it and the only way she can do that is by acting really scared of birds to throw us all off. The finale will conclude with Britt and Kaitlyn getting into a huge fight in a dressing room where we will all be left to wonder if Britt was a hallucination this entire time. You can't get anything past me, Kaitlyn!
preview from the finale episode.
This freaky ass room might be one of the worst dates ever, but it's also a perfect representation of what the inside of my head looks like every Monday night while I am watching this show. Kaitlyn and Ben make out and escape the room without getting gassed to death. If only everyone in Nazi Germany was that lucky.

During the nighttime portion of the date, Ben and Queen Kaitlyn hang out in her house and he tells her an incredibly weird and sad story about his parents forcing him to walk the dog and in the time he took the dog around the block, his mom died. WTF. Why couldn't anyone wait fifteen minutes to walk this dog? Was his mom like "my dying wish is for Ben and the dog not to be anywhere near my side when I pass"? Kaitlyn is all like "that's so sad, want to put on our bathing suits and press our crotches up against each other in a hot tub?" Ben says yes, gets a rose, and they make out.

Then the show decides to subject us to yet another ridiculously awful and stupid group date. This is where I would like to point out that this may have been the most poorly edited episode of The Bachelorette ever. It had more plot holes than Inception. The guys go to a school with Kaitlyn where they are going to be giving sex education lessons to a bunch of ten year olds. This is all very suspect considering they discuss things like boners, the clitoris, condoms, and blow jobs. When I was in grade school and we had sex ed we just learned about eggs and fallopian tubes. 

However, the most confusing and controversial sex ed lesson is the one Ben H gives about how love starts when you come out of a limo and meet a girl for a first time and compete on a reality TV show to win her heart. Say what? These kids are going to be SO confused for the rest of their life. As it turns out, they are all child actors and Kaitlyn is playing a joke on the dudes. I have two thoughts about this. #1 Are child actors really the kind of children you want to make even more fucked up than they already are? #2 Unless I missed it, there was never a pay off to this. We never saw Kaitlyn tell the guys this was a practical joke. So, are we to assume they walked away from this feeling good about themselves for teaching kids how to give a chick an orgasm? This was a massive fail on the part of the editors.

During the nighttime portion of the date, Kaitlyn and Ben H make out on a rooftop. He's the dark horse of this competition. I had no idea he even existed until right now, I think he may have been one of the guys who voted for Britt, and I'm just starting to realize that he's got a serious Seth Cohen quality to him. The other "I never would have thought he would make it this far" contestant is Jared AKA Love Man. He pretended to be a super hero in the first episode. I thought for sure he would be instantly eliminated. His beard looks like it's trying to grow pubes. And yet, Kaitlyn is SUPER into him. With Slick Nick coming on later in this season, this might be proof that she has questionable taste in men. That said, Jared does seem nice and harmless-- but Kaitlyn describes him as being comfortable with his sexuality (side note, who has ever described a straight man that way?) and as the MAN among all of the contestants. WHAT? She still gives the group date rose to Ben H. 

Okay, here's where things really got confusing for me at the end of the episode. It's cocktail party time and suddenly-- kind of out of nowhere--- Clint has become persona non grata in the house. Everyone hates him. Everyone is warning Kaitlyn about him. He is evil and must be dealt with. Jesus Christ, ABC. Did we really need to watch TWO sequences of sumo wrestling instead of scenes that explain why everyone hates the guy who drew Chris Harrison riding a triceratops?
All we've seen him do so far is develop a touching romance with JJ. They hang out in the pool together, they cook and eat together, they laugh it up on the couch, they pop each other's zits in the shower. Theirs is the perfect marriage. This JJ/Clint sequence is a little odd, because Clint even says things like he's falling in love with JJ. Is this supposed to be a joke? Did these two uber douche-bag looking straight dudes get on the show and come up with the genius idea of pretending to be gay and in love to get more screen time? And either way, why do all the men in the house suddenly hate a guy who will pop zits for his friend? BTW, Clint and JJ totally remind me of these guys:
I never thought I would actually need Chris Harrison to show up and explain things to me, but I think there are huge chunks of the narrative that never made it into the final cut of the show. Someone from alternative programming in ABC, please send me an email and explain everything to me cause this shit makes about as much sense as the original Total Recall. Next week will be an epic episode, because the creepiest contestant who gave off serious "I have women chained to the wall of my basement" vibes returns to wins Kaitlyn's heart and she's actually excited to see him and not running for her life. To that I say: Britt, please.


  1. Finally started watching the show. Fucking love your analysis and commentary...