Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Bachelorette: Episode 5 recap

This episode starts with Queen Kaitlyn Khaleesi water-boarding Clint, peeing on him, then cutting off a third of his penis and making a necklace out of it. Okay, so that's a tad dramatic, but she did really go after him. For what-- we'll never know. Clinty will go down in history as the most ambiguous villain in Bachelorette history. He will also go down in history as one half of the least ambiguously gay duo. I am still so confused about how all of this played out. Why are all the dudes in the house throwing him under the bus when JJ (AKA gay-gay) is the one who's been a total dick all along?

When Kaitlyn tries to lay down the law with Clint, she says that he's disappointed her and he says that he's very very very very very very very close to JJ and that he really really really likes JJ. This is all Kaitlyn the Great needs to hear before deciding that Clint needs to go home and say good-bye to all the dudes. Here's where I call 1000% bullshit:

Usually, you never get to say good bye to anyone when you've been banished from the bachelor house. Obvi, Clint was given this privilege, because the producers wanted to play out the ending to Brokeback Douchebags. Gay-Gay totally turns on Clint when he says this was all his fault and the other guys lost time with Queen Dove Tattoos because of him. Clint's fragile heart is broken into a million pieces and he gets into a heated confrontation with JJ. It's like one of those passionate fights that should end in a hot make-out session, but instead Clint just says "your tie looks really good with that shirt and you're a piece of shit" and then he leaves. It's dramatic and sad and I feel like these two need to get back together so that they can be the next Bachelor wedding.

I'm still not convinced that these two dudes weren't paid some extra cash-money to pretend to have giant hard-ons for each other to try to make this season remotely interesting. Clint peaces out and Gay-Gay hides in the backyard and proceeds to slap himself in the face. In case you missed it, it went something like this:
The other guys tell Gay-Gay he's a huge jerk for throwing his lover under the bus. Kaitlyn the Great feels all confused about everything that's going on so she takes Chris Harrison aside from some advice. He puts on his best "I give a fuck" face and nods understandingly at her life dilemma. For once, I'd LOVE if he was like "that really sucks, but young black men are getting killed by cops all over America so.... perspective!"

After the advice sesh, Kaitlyn comes out and tells the guys that production is about to run into overtime, so there will be no rose ceremony tonight. The guys are like "FUUUUUUCK, another week with Tiny mouth, big Jaw JJ? NOOOOOO." Then they hear they'll finally get to move out of the herpes-infested bachelor house and go to New York. Everyone celebrates.

At this time, I would like to file a formal complaint that I hate that the Bachelor(ette) format I've become so accustomed to after thirty seasons has been all kinds of confusing this year. What's with NO rose ceremonies at the end of any episodes? What's with the two group dates? What's with the serious lack of one on one dates? Something just feels seriously sloppy about this season and it's driving me nuts.

Anyway. The guys arrive in New York and we get a thirty second commercial of the hotel they'll be staying in at Times Square. Proving that we don't need to be afraid of ISIS, they do not become the victims of an isolated terror attack while they're standing on the rooftop. BUMMER.

It's time for the first group date and the guys learn they will be partaking in one of Li'l Kaitlyn's favorite pastimes: rapping. Ugh. Sometimes, Kaitlyn reminds me of those people who audition for American Idol and have NO idea they can't sing, because all of their lives their parents have been telling them how great they are. I have heard deaf-mutes rap better than Kaitlyn. She surprises the guys with hip hop legend..... Doug E Fresh. I think it's pretty safe to say that none of the guys know who the fuck he is. Like, they would probably be more excited if Vanilla Ice or Ja-Rule walked through the door. Anyway, they pick who they want to have a rap battle with and have to perform in front of a club of people I'm guessing were bussed in straight from the Port Authority, because no self-respecting New Yorkers would ever show up at this lame shit.

I will admit, I kind of enjoyed the raps. There were some dope rhymes (not really), we got to see Shawn Gosling's abs (Why has he not had a one on one date yet?!), and a lot of people made fun of JJ for being gay. After the battle ends, Khaleesi learns that Virgin Ashley from Farmer Chris's season is in da house and she goes to say hi to her and that's when she runs into... Tricky Nick. As in Nick from Andi's season. As in the creepy, serial killer guy, who probably has former Bachelor contestants eating their own poop in a pit in his basement. As in the guy who put Andi on blast for giving him a taste of her sweet vagina in the fantasy suite, but not letting him tap that ass forever. That Nick.

As it turns out, Slick Nick and Kaitlyn developed a "social media friendship" and had a lot of chemistry (over text, guys) and he didn't like the idea of her getting engaged without them ever meeting. He wants to stay and win her heart. She's not sure what to do. They have serious chemistry and I think the show should end right now and they should go make babies that he can raise in the pit in his basement.

It's always around this point of the season when the Bachelor or Bachelorette becomes completely insufferable. This is when the whole "twenty-five guys fighting to be with me" really starts to go to their head and something about Kaitlyn the Great telling all the dudes that she's considering letting Nick join the show really made me dislike her. On one hand, it's like "GET IT, GIRL." On the other hand, none of the dudes have ever let their surprise contestants stick around. Oh holy shit: huge epiphany.

Dudes don't let their "surprise contestants" stick around, because they actually seem like creepy stalkers. Women let their "surprise contestants" stick around, because they find it ridiculously romantic. Double standard! Personally, if I were Kaitlyn I would think Nick showing up out of the blue is a huge red flag. The only guy who can just be like "What up, can I crash in a hotel and travel the world on ABC's dime" is def for sure homeless and unemployed.

The dudes on the group date are understandably pissed that Kaitlyn is considering bringing Nick on the show. Especially since they are all super fans and know that Tricky Nick slut-shamed Blandi on national television. Shawn Gosling is probably the most upset. He feels like if she was confident in their connection and the relationship they've built (AKA two five minute conversations) then she wouldn't want Nick to join the cast. Mother of Doves leaves to get some space and basically runs into Nick's arms and they have a make out session, while all the guys sit around and do nothing. I'll admit that Slick Nick looks slightly hotter to me than he did during Andi's season, BUT I actually think Kaitlyn has some of the best contestants we've seen on previous seasons. Why does she want Nick when she's got Shawn Gosling's abs and hot Princeton Ian?! There's only one explanation: She's a dum-dum. A dummy-dummy dum-dum. A dim-sum dum-dum. She's dumb.

The group date goes to... oh who the fuck cares, some white guy with a big nose and dirty blond hair.

Back at the hotel, Love Man gets the episode's only one on one date. The Fuck. So far the only one on one dates have gone to Clint, Ben Z, and LOVE MAN?! There are so many hotter guys who aren't getting any screen time. What is wrong with this show?

Anyway, it snows in New York and things get really bleak and ominous when Special K calls Tricky Nick to tell him she wants to meet in person to discuss their relationship. I wish they skipped the phone call and just did on-screen text bubbles. She's all kinds of confused, but luckily she's getting her hair done by.... CRAZY ASHLEY! As in: Mesa Verde. As in big onions. As in put a penny in your shoe. Who knew this episode was the return of the Ashleys. Kaitlyn explains that Ashley had a rep for being crazy, but that she's really intelligent. Which is also why she makes her living as a hairdresser. She actually looks really good and even though I'm scared she's going to shave Kaitlyn's head, she plays it safe and gives her a side braid. Personally, I think Queen Kaitlyn would be better off if she had her head shaved, because her hair reminds me of:
Kaitlyn says, and I quote: After my conversation with Ashley, I'm more confused now than ever. UM-- yeah. That's what everyone says after they have a conversation with Ashley. She meets Slick Nick on the corner of 7th and B (my old hood in New York!) and after talking for about two minutes, she's like: I want you to stay. Oh snap. It's pretty obvious that Nick is going to be the guy she bones and then she feels really bad about it and cries to the other guys, right? I mean, I kind of get it. These dudes probably had to quit their jobs, etc to come on the show and you just end up boning the guy you were instagram flirting with before the season started? And he's like the villain in every 80s movie? It would be like if Molly Ringwald ended up with James Spader at the end of Pretty in Pink.

There's really nothing worth mentioning about Queen Kaitlyn's one on one date with Love Man. He dresses up in a tuxedo and looks about twelve years old and I don't understand why Kaitlyn likes him so much. Yes, he's nice but so was Gale from Breaking Bad and I never wanted to have sex with him. They have dinner at the Met and I have no clue how ABC could afford to rent out the place. I'm pretty sure they just had to dose one of the security guards and secretly break in. Kaitlyn can hardly focus on anything Love Man is saying, because she's too obsessed with Nick's Dick. Jared reads her a poem that sounds straight out of Green Eggs and Ham and then they go on a... helicopter ride!!!! Holy original date idea, batman! I'm super disappointed in the producer who didn't think of getting a helicopter hot tub instead. Hashtag Major Fail.

Before the next boring ass group date, Queen Kaitlyn of House Chlamydia shows up to tell the guys that Nick is going to move in with them. No one is happy about this development, but they suck it up and decide that later they will hatch a murder plot and bury Nick's body in Chris Harrison's backyard. For reals though-- I know this would never happen, but how hot would it be if one by one each guy just walked out and quit the show? I would be SUPER into that, because I'm really starting to loathe Kaitlyn. She's almost worse than Andi and Emily and Ashley Cupcake combined BECAUSE I actually expected her to be cool and she's been boring. She got my hopes up and let me down completely. Watching Kaitlyn contemplate love and rapping and Aladdin is about as boring as watching:
I would like to remind all of you that I actually wanted Carly from Farmer Chris's season to be the next bachelorette and I think she would have been a lot more fun and excited about the whole thing. Plus, she had an eyebrow makeover and deserves love.

The group date involves a super awkward Disney integration of the guys showing up to audition for Aladdin. Hot Ian turns out to be an amazing singer. He's also ethnically ambiguous enough where he can totally blend into a Broadway musical that's supposed to take place in the Middle East. Also, he's HOT.  Cupcake Dentist really gets into his audition (because he actually loves the song A Whole New World, ahem) and I pick up SERIOUS gay vibes. And of course, the Broadway judges LOVE him and he wins. That means him and Kaitlyn get a walk on part during the musical. Her excitement just makes me realize how much she wants to be famous and it kind of makes me dislike her even more. Guys, I don't think she's here for the right reasons. They walk on stage, hold some flowers, smile like a couple of pointless idiots, and then walk off stage.

All I can say is poor hot Ian! It looks like next week he's going to leave the show after becoming my hero and telling Kaitlyn she's a "surface level person!" awww shit, even his insults are intelligent.

The episode ends with NO rose ceremony and the epic cliffhanger of Nick showing up to move in with 12+ dudes who hate his guts. I hope next week they tie him to a chair and make him stare at Shawn Gosling's abs until he dies of jealousy. I will leave you guys to ponder this final thought till next week:

Does Nick look like a hot a Justin Bieber?? Talk amongst yourselves and comment below:

Update: I totally forgot to write about Britt and Brady's epic love story that continued during the end credits of the show. They hung out on the beach and since ABC is no longer providing Britt with hair and make-up, she's returned to her terrible hot pink lipstick and crusty-winged eyeliner look. I really want to go behind-the-scenes of this love story, because I'm pretty sure it was all shot in one afternoon in LA. I love that ABC decided it was just TOO sad for one of the women to go home without love so they needed to manufacture some love story so that we could go to sleep at night thinking: If GORGEOUS Britt can find love, then I can too! To that I say: Britt, please! (this should be read in the same tone as "bitch, please."


  1. Amazing recap as usual! And I agree, I'm really hating Kaitlyn this season. I was all for her being the Bachelorette but now I honestly think Britt would have been the better choice. I mean the fact that she even let disgusting nick on the show tells you everything you need to know about her.

    Oh and yes in that pic, Nick kinda does favor Beiber.

  2. You can totally tell in that little teaser of Britt and Brady that they're gonna push them to get engaged at the end of the season at the reunion show. Britt even said something like "i can totally picture him as my husband" or something else equally ridiculous.

  3. Chris Cupcake is definitely a fruitcake.

  4. 1. Such an epiphany! That's so true about the double standards on surprise contestants!
    2. I thought Crazy Ashley had some corporate job? I don't think her job was "Hair Stylist" under her name in Prince Farming's season. Nonetheless, I did think what she told Kaitlyn about not basing her decision on lust/chemistry was actual solid advice...though I think Kaitlyn was still "confused" because she doesn't want to believe it.