Wednesday, June 17, 2015

the bachelorette: episode 6 recap

This week's episode was basically a two hour social experiment on how a bunch of metrosexual douchebags react when a new penis is in their midst. Spoiler alert: it does not go well. Some of these dudes go from relatively hot to straight-up lady boner killer in a matter of minutes. There are a lot of tense and confusing conversations, paralyzing moments of insecurity, and... mariachi costumes.

Slick Nick shows up at the hotel room in New York and it's super awkward. He sits on a couch, all by himself, while all the remaining dudes interrogate him. Tanner (AKA bachelor super fan) wants to know if it's true that he was spotted with Andi just weeks ago. Nick admits that he did spend some time with Andi and that they buried the hatchet. WTF Tanner? Why do you know this? Please tell me it's because of your good grooming habits and you just happened to pick up that issue of Us Weekly while you were getting a pedicure. Either way, your new nickname is "Gossip Girl."

The guys are concerned that Nick is here for his 16th minute of fame and he assures them that since his season, he hasn't done anything affiliated with the show and leads a normal life in Chicago developing software. He's basically like "DUDES. My life is so boring. I need this. I'm like Edward Norton before he meets Brad Pitt in Fight Club. For the love of God, don't fuck this up for me." He also explains that this was his only chance to see if there was anything between him and Kaitlyn. Translation: this is my final opportunity to be inside of her.

Tricky Nick then makes the earth-shattering mistake of referring to Queen Kaitlyn as a "cool chick." What ensues is a twenty minute debate between him and the Welder about whether Kaitlyn is a cool chick or an amazing woman. Nick's like... I dunno, both? If there was one takeaway from this entire sequence, it might be that Slick Nick is actually the least offensive douchebag of the bunch. No wonder Kaitlyn let him stay.

Cocktail party time. FINALLY. Kaitlyn explains that she needs to trust her heart, but that she's worried about how the other guys will react to the fact that she wants more peen in the house. They arrive at Citi Field for the rose ceremony and Gay-Gay decides to make the first move by inviting Kaitlyn to go down to the field with him. He picks up her and runs the bases and all I can focus on is the fact that he's wearing pink socks with loafers. No straight man is that stylish. Also, he clearly doesn't understand baseball, because he thinks it's a sport where you're supposed to run in a circle holding a very petite woman in your arms. Dresses well + doesn't understand sports = for sure gay, but only if you're into stereotyping, which I am not. Either way, it goes over well with Queen Kaitlyn, who never has the need to question him about his love affair with Clint.

Shawn Booth Gosling is probably the most upset about the addition of Nick to the cast. Him and Kaitlyn have a connection and he doesn't understand why she would want another guy competing for her heart. He actually refuses to say Nick's name. It's like Shawn Booth Gosling is a really hot Harry Potter and Nick is Voldemort. He tells Kaitlyn that Slick Nick is full of shit. It's kind of like watching Tyrion give Khaleesi advice on Ser Jorah, except Tyrion looks like a personal trainer who loves dietary supplements and protein powder. I do LOVE how matter of fact Douche Gosling is about Nick's shady quotient. Guys can just smell that shit off other guys, right? How do they do it? It's like they get a whiff of their dick and they're like "that dick smells like it's up to no good." Note to self: develop a show about a guy who's part dog and can sniff dicks to solve crimes! He's a matchmaker by day and a detective by night. It will star Chris Harrison in the role of a lifetime.

Back to the rose ceremony. Now that handing our roses is just arbitrarily placed in the middle of the show (and in the middle of this recap), it's even less suspenseful than when it came at the end of the episode. Will this season ever get the formatting right? Will no episode ever end with a rose ceremony again? More importantly where is Chris Harrison to answer all of these questions? I'll tell you where he is. Getting a Thai massage in a warm cozy VIP box, while snorting coke off of that round donut thing you stick your face in while you get a massage (more commonly known as a face cradle, FYI.)

Seriously though, it's fucking freeze out on this baseball field. Like, if Kaitlyn doesn't pick up the pace and hand out these roses faster, then some of these men might lose their balls due to severe hypothermia. I'm actually not joking. Their lips are basically blue in this episode. In fact, Kaitlyn didn't have to eliminate anyone, because three of the guys died. One of the last minorities left gets the boot in this episode which means that Ian is the only non-white/ethnically ambiguous guy left. It's a little insane to me that ABC still hasn't dealt with the lack of diversity on this show. At this rate, they're going to make Rachel Dolezal the next Bachelorette and call her the "first black bachelorette."

The guys leave New York to go a place Kaitlyn has ALWAYS wanted to visit: San Antonio, Texas. Hmmmm. Really? I mean, I get Austin or Dallas, but San Antonio? Is she sleeping with one of the Spurs and that's why she wants to go there? I'm confused. Ben H (AKA Seth Cohen from The OC) gets the first one on one date. Country Kaitlyn picks him up in a red pick up truck and drives them to a dance hall so they can enter a two step competition. He's really excited about this, because he's from a small town and likes a country date. Wait, what? His bio says he's from Denver, Colorado. There's a guy in the house from Kuna, Idaho and he doesn't get the country date? Further proof that we live in a fucked-up world.

But who cares about Ben H or Kaitlyn or Kuna, Idaho when there's Betty Jo. Fuck, I love her so much. I want Betty Jo to co-host the show with Chris Harrison. I want her to be the next bachelorette. I want her to be the nurse to Kaitlyn's Juliet. I want her to be in every episode of television ever all the time. She's the bomb dot com guys, just look at her:
I think she's a judge in the dance competition. I can't really remember and it doesn't matter, because she's wonderful. We get some boring scenes of Ben H and Kaitlyn practicing their dance and I honestly don't remember how they did, because I had to apologize to someone on Twitter for making fun of San Antonio. During the nighttime portion of the date, Little Ben has a hard time opening up to Kaitlyn about his past relationship. She finally presses him on it and he says that it started out long distance and something about how the chase was over for his girlfriend? Did anyone understand what he was saying, because his reasons for the break up made no sense to me. Queen Kaitlyn asks him if he's ready to get engaged since he's 26 and he's like "TOTALLY" and I'm like "HE'S ONLY 26?! Automatic disqualification!" But since we all know Kaitlyn is ruled by her vagina, I think she's just keeping him around so she can get some youthful peen in the fantasy suite before she settles down with someone else. And that's why he gets a rose.

Group date time. The guys arrive to meet Kaitlyn and a mariachi band shows up and some twelve year old with more game than any of these dudes serenades her. I like to imagine that after this sequence was shot, Chris Harrison and this kid hit the town and got a ton of pussy. Anyway, since group dates are all about humiliating the men, they learn they will have to dress up like a mariachi singer and serenade Kaitlyn in the middle of San Antonio. My favorite line from this whole thing is when Kentucky Joe says "Kaitlyn will you Mari-achi me?"

Since Ian fancies himself a professional singer, he's excited to show off his talents on this group date. Sadly, he completely chokes and makes a fool of himself. And he's REALLY upset about it. Here's my impression of Ian the second he was in private after this debacle:
Somehow, Slick Nick gets to serenade Kaitlyn on top of a balcony and even though he sings off key, he kind of kills it. Like, if he had a mic, he should have totally dropped it on Ian's head. Needless to say, the other guys are not happy. The person who probably enjoyed this group date the least is Joshua AKA the Welder AKA the boy from Kuna. For starters, he thinks it's a great idea to allow the girl with the worst hair in the world to cut his hair. It's kind of a cute moment, but apparently the hair clippers die and he ends up with a ridiculous mohawk. It would only be a good look if he showed her this picture before the haircut:
After totally fucking up Joshua's hair, Kaitlyn makes herself feel better by making out with Nick. He confides in her that some of the other guys in the house don't like him. CUT TO: Joshua and Nick getting into a weird confusing argument about what would have happened on Andi's season if Josh (the recipient of the final rose) wasn't there. Joshua says there's just something not right about him. He takes Kaitlyn aside and make the rookie mistake of telling her that Nick is bad news and none of the guys like him. Oh, Joshua. You never tell the bachelor or the bachelorette that the person they're obviously sweating sucks. Kaitlyn goes a little overboard and asks if this means all of the guys have been lying to her face. Joshua doesn't want to sell anyone out so he stays mum. She then decides to publicly call out all the guys and ask them if they hate Nick. Everyone pretends they're cool with him, Slick Nick gets the group date rose, and Joshua looks like a giant idiot with a lopsided mohawk.

This is what I call the show's desperate attempt to create drama out of nothing and it only ended up making Kaitlyn look like a crazy person. I feel bad for Joshua, but justice will be served once the police find those bodies in Nick's basement. He'll totally be like "Toldja!" And hopefully by then, his hair will have grown back out.

I can't believe it took SIX episodes, but finally Shawn Hot Gosling gets the next one on one date. It's ridiculously boring, but luckily we get to see him with his shirt off. They go kayaking, then hang out in their bathing suits, discuss their connection, and I wasn't listening cause his shirt was off. During the nighttime portion of the date, with Shawn now fully clothed, he reveals to Kaitlyn that five or six years ago he was in a terrible car accident. Guys, what happened to him actually sounded worse than what happened to Ian, right? This is what Kaitlyn's face looked like the entire time Shawn confided in her about nearly dying:
At one point she's like "Whaaaat? Realllllly?" with this huge goofy grin on her face. The only explanation for this-- after watching the first three episodes of Unreal-- is that this is the 5th take and it's hard to keep a straight face and pretend this is the first time she's hearing about the car accident. Either that or she's a heartless bitch. In a move that makes Shawn Gosling the frontrunner, he tells Kaitlyn that he's falling in love with her. She says she's falling in love with him too. Fireworks go off and they both make out. If he's not the guy that she has sex with in a closet next episode, then I don't even know what's real and true in the world anymore. 

Back at the house, Ian is going on a downward spiral. Basically, he came into this thinking he'd be a frontrunner and Kaitlyn's just not that into him. Earlier in the episode, she alludes to the fact that he has no sense of humor and she's kind of right. Up until now, I really liked Ian but in a matter of seconds he turns into the world's biggest dickhead. He says he's smart and good looking and would make a good bachelor. He decides to hash out his feelings with Nick and even says that he thinks this would be better for him if he was the bachelor and there were 25 girls (um, yeah-- I think ALL of the guys here would prefer that.) He later says that he doesn't find Kaitlyn interesting, which means there's something wrong with her and that he's gonna go home. This is the classic "I'm going to dump her before she dumps me" move. CUT TO:

The cocktail party and Ian is going to go out in a blaze of glory. Queen Kaitlyn tells the guys that honesty is the most important thing to her, so Ian decides to take her aside and drop some truth bombs. Uh oh, Kaitlyn. Me thinks:
This scene is pretty amazing. Let's analyze:

Ian says he came here to meet the girl who had her heart broken by Farmer Chris. Not the girl who wants to get her field plowed. Translation: I want a vulnerable, sad, female--- not someone sexual who makes jokes and has fun.

He wants to be deep and doesn't want to be around a bunch of guys who make fart and poop jokes. Translation: I'm too good for this shit. (Side note: what kind of man doesn't like a good poop joke?! Ian is obviously an alien.)

She just wants to make out with guys on television. Translation: You're a slut.

Ian think she's a surface level person. Translation: You are trash. 

In classic Bachelorette fashion, the episode ends on a cliffhanger, but I think it's safe to say Kaitlyn will make Ian part of the unsullied after this conversation. For those of you who don't watch Game of Thrones, those are ethnically ambiguous slave soldiers who have no balls. Until next week when Chris Harrison hopefully returns and Kaitlyn gets slut-shamed!!

1 comment:

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