Wednesday, June 24, 2015

the bachelorette: episode 7 recap

On this week's installment of Kaitlyn Loves Nick, things begin on a rocky note when Ian confronts Kaitlyn for basically being a piece of shit. He tells her that he's tired of hanging out with a bunch of guys who just quote movies and tell fart jokes. He wanted to meet the heartbroken girl, not the girl who wants her field plowed. He doesn't understand why humor is so important to her. He's a deep thinker and he thinks she's shallow and a surface level person. That about sums it up. It's awkward as hell, but Kaitlyn somehow manages to keep it together. She tells him there's more to her than making funnies and sticking her tongue down everyone's throats. In a strange move, she actually tells him he is a deeper thinker than she is (translation: you're smarter than me), then tells him he's more than welcome to leave. He says he had every intention of going home.

Personally, I thought Kaitlyn let him off easy. This would have been my reaction:

I'm also pretty sure Ian must have suffered some brain damage when he got hit by a car. His conversation with Kaitlyn is completely ridiculous, because THEY'RE ON THE BACHELORETTE. He's clearly seen the show. What did he expect? Did he really think ABC would air stimulating conversations about Derrida and Marx and Nietzsche? Was he actually surprised that the other contestants are personal trainers and insurance salesmen who did not graduate from an ivy league school? And does he really not know that 110% of women say that a sense of humor is the #1 thing they want in a man?

I did not expect such an epic fall from grace for Ian based on what we saw of him in the first episode. It only gets worse as he uses his exit interview as an opportunity to remind us for the hundredth time that he went to Princeton and he would make the best bachelor ever. Dude. This is not something to be proud of.You went to Princeton and you're a contestant on The Bachelorette-- you're a disgrace to your alma mater. I think producers manipulated Ian into following the Andi Dorfman Strategy. For those of you who don't remember, she confronted Juan Pablo for being an asshole and got to be the next Bachelorette. But that just doesn't work out the same when it's a guy berating a woman. Ian only makes things worse when he ends his interview by saying "Ugh, I really need to have some sex." Luckily, that limo is probably taking him straight to Bachelor in Paradise.

One day, Ian will be sorely disappointed when he realizes that marriage is all about discussing farts, quoting movies, and laughing about funny movie quotes and smelly farts. Dear Ian, if you're reading this, I have one question: why do you hate laughter?

After Ian leaves, Kaitlyn is still reeling from their conversation. But she's not upset that he called her shallow and stupid and slutty. SERIOUSLY-- the thing that she's most upset about is that he said he didn't think she was here to find a husband. How dare he?

Nick saves the day when he swoops in to comfort Kaitlyn. Holy shit. Maybe him and Ian had planned this all along? Ian would make Kaitlyn feel like shit and Nick would give her a shoulder to make out on. This is just further proof that Tricky Nick is actually the devil and he's going to impregnate Kaitlyn and then she's going to get a really cute pixie haircut and then in the most dramatic episode of After the Final Rose ever, her baby will be Satan's spawn!

Hot Shawn Gosling is worried about Queen Kaitlyn and decides to look for her... only to walk in on Kaitlyn and Nick making out. I don't know how much time has gone by, but he shows up with a full pint of beer and when he's back with the guys, his glass is empty. My super savvy detective work tells me that Hot Shawn Gosling-- wait for it--- drinks his beer really fast. Anyway, he's really bummed out, because he just told Hatelyn that he's falling in love with her and now she's making out with a Bachelor reject. Hang in there, Shawn! You can't end up with Kaitlyn. America needs you to be the next Bachelor. And by America, I mean my libido.

CUT TO rose ceremony time at the Alamo. Well, well, well, guess who finally decided to show up? Chris Harrison. He's like "Hey, Kaitlyn-- I've been chain fucking in my hotel room for the last week, so I have no idea what's going on. Help a brother out." Hatelyn tells Harrison that she never expected to have so many feelings and he's basically like:
And then we continue with the rose ceremony. I'm beginning to feel like Cupcake Dentist is playing for the wrong team here after seeing him in his shiny purple suit. This should result in an automatic elimination, but Kaitlyn is able to look beyond his terrible fashion sense and gives him a rose. She's also able to look beyond JJ's love for cock and gives him a rose too. She lets the guy with the kid who looks like Anthony Michael Hall post-steroids go home and Joshua the Welder. I feel bad for Joshua. He was merely trying to warn Kaitlyn that Nick was the inspiration for every evil character in every 80s movie (even though he was merely a toddler when those films were made), but alas, he still got the boot. Kaitlyn didn't even apologize for giving him a terrible haircut before dumping him. It all gets worse when Joshua does his sad exit interview and hears all the remaining contestants and Kaitlyn celebrating over the fact that they will be leaving Texas for Dublin, Ireland. Poor Joshua. CUT TO:

Ireland! I'm so excited the European portion of the season has arrived. In Farmer Chris's season, they just visited boring flyover states. Suck it, Murica! The guys check into their hotel room sporting an array of colorful hoodies. Kaitlyn shows up to figuratively cut off their balls by letting them know Nick will be getting the first one on one date in Dublin. BURN! Shawn Gosling (somehow looking mighty fine in sweat pant capris) is NOT happy. But Nick's all like:
Tricky Nick and Hatelyn walk around Ireland, chill out with some pigeons, and do an Irish jig-- which leads me to my favorite part of the episode. This chick:
I want to be this woman's best friend. This is literally the look on my face for the entire two hours that I'm watching The Bachelorette. How do we get her a spin off show? She needs to be in every episode of the show making this face any time anyone speaks. Anyway, I'm SO bored with Nick and Kaitlyn. They're so infatuated with each other that Nick should just go back to the hotel to tell the guys they're about to elope and he wants them to be his groomsmen. And to think-- ABC has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars when these two could have just met at some lame Bachelor cast party.

Anyway. Kaitlyn and Nick have dinner in some church, dry hump at the table, then Queen Kaitlyn invites Nick back to her hotel room and they... fuck in the closet. According to the subtitles, Nick wants to know all of Kaitlyn (translation: I want to be inside you) and she's got a hold of him (translation: honestly, i have no idea what that means. She's holding his dick as she's about to put it inside her maybe? Let's just go with that). There's lots of heavy breathing and I'm not sure why they couldn't just take their mics off. I have so many questions. How long did they hump for? Was there any butt play involved? Did Chris Harrison get to watch?

Nick returns to the man cave and pretends he had a nice dinner date with Kaitlyn. He mentions going back to her room and one of the guy slyly references the fact that Hot Shawn Gosling got some private time with her too once. Nick tries to play it off like he doesn't care if another penis caressed  Kaitlyn's vaginal walls before his did. Meanwhile, Queen Kaitlyn of Bristowe totally freaks out on the balcony of her hotel room the morning after having sex with Nick. There's some black blob shielding half of the lens to obscure the person she's actually talking to-- so it just looks like she's a raving lunatic who stands on balconies and talks to herself about last night's lay. Here are a few educated guesses as to who may have been on the balcony with her:
#1 Vicki from Small Wonder

#2 Captain Jack Sparrow
#3 the zombie baby from Dead Alive
She cries a little during her interviews about not wanting to hurt the guys. Intimacy is very important to her, but she doesn't want anyone to be upset with her. Allow me to translate: Please God don't let Hot Shawn find out about this and leave the show before I get to fuck his brains out. 

On the group date portion of the episode, Chris Harrison meets the guys and is like: I have some bad news. Kaitlyn is dead. J/K guys, but she did fuck Nick in a closet. Alas, the secret does not come out and the guys learn they are going to have an Irish wake as Queen Kaitlyn pretends to be dead in a coffin. Some of the eulogies are actually kind of funny, but I find myself feeling sad that Ian wasn't here for this date. I'm pretty sure he'd be like "Here lies Kaitlyn: a surface level person who let Nick plow her field." And then he would probably have sex with her dead corpse, because he really needs to have sex.

The most drama the producers manage to manufacture out of this date is the fact that Ben Zzzzzz buried his mom as a teenager so he's not all that into the whole fake funeral just for shits and giggles thing. He kicks all the other guys out of the room as he gives Hatelyn a serious eulogy, then bores her to tears as he talks about his dead mom. If you think it's cruel that the producers put him through this date, keep in mind that these are the same people who sent Emily Maynard on a group date that involved racing cars-- when her race car fiance had just died a couple years ago. What I'm trying to say is that these people are FUCKING EVIL. I would not be surprised if they poked holes in Nick's condoms just so they could get a pregnancy on the show this season. For all we know, Kaitlyn is not at all a slut and they just roofied both their drinks and shoved them into the closet. Even worse, maybe she was in that closet with Bill Cosby and they just used the magic of editing to make us think it was Nick! Which will make it all the more shocking when she gives birth to a half black baby.

But I digress. Just when I think I can't love Hot Shawn Gosling even more, he shows Kaitlyn pictures of his family and we get to watch him dote over his niece and nephew. They might as well put a flashing sign over his head that says: HE WILL BE THE NEXT BACHELOR. Seriously, who else on the show is currently worthy of that title? Right now, it's between Shawn, Chris Harrison, and the sumo wrestlers.

Because she is clearly mentally unstable, Skanklyn gives the group date rose to... Love Man.
I can't believe Love Man has made it this far. He might even get his dick wet in the fantasy suite-- or at this rate maybe even in a porto-potty in next week's episode. Who knows. Hatelyn likes him because they are always honest with each other (except for that tiny little detail about her giving it up to Nick the day before). Hot Shawn is super sad he didn't get the group date rose and I'm totally confused by Kaitlyn's taste in humans, but then she and Love Man get serenaded by... The Cranberries.

NO! This is so sad. They were a 90s staple. They're too good for this shit. This feels wrong on so many levels. But at least now it explains why Shawn didn't get the group date rose. He has no fucking clue who The Cranberries are. But it doesn't matter, because he has a total meltdown with some guy I'm assuming is a producer of the show. He can't take this anymore. The night ends with Hot Shawn surprising Kaitlyn in her hotel room so they can talk about their connection. Did anyone notice she had total sex hair when he walked in? Who else is she sleeping with? Maybe one of the guys in the Cranberries or a leprechaun or Daniel Day Lewis or a pigeon or an old college buddy of Chris Harrison's that's visiting Dublin or a can of Guinness or Bono or a four leaf clover. It's kind of a toss up.

The episode closes with a ridiculously awkward and staged scene of Britt's mom meeting Brady during the end credits-- all we see is Brady saying "I'm gonna leave you guys alone" and Britt's mom saying "it seems like you've found a great friend" and Britt being like "is Brady in the friend zone?" I can't believe ABC expects me to function like a normal person for an entire week without knowing what will happen in the most epic love story of our time. Britt and Brady forever!!


  1. YEAH to all of this, it's like the worst the show gets, the even better you get!! And excuse me WHAT was all that about Dickbaitlyn telling Hot Gos he's THE ONE off camera! ABC YOU MUST SHOW US THIS FOOTAGE, WHATTHEHAIL!?

    1. Seriously! i wanna know more about her confessing her love to Gos