Thursday, July 30, 2015

Is dating harder for planners?

 
I completely admit that I’m a planner. I’m sure it’s an influence from my mother—this past March, she told me to hold April 2016 for a possible family vacation in Puerto Rico. I don’t take planning quite to that level, but it is only July and I am already thinking about which basketball games at which I want to support my alma mater. In February.

I think dating is harder for planners. It comes down to two things: one, we’re thinking ahead and anticipating when we shouldn’t. Two, we want to see the plans we’ve made through, even if it may not be best in the long run.
We go on one date with a guy who seems awesome and we start thinking about suggesting that really cool coffee shop that we’ve heard good things about but haven’t had a chance to try out. Then we never hear from him, and we have to accept that we’ll never get to know him better over iced coffee—friends maybe, or by ourselves. But not with Awesome Guy.

Or, we’ve been with someone for two years and we have a weekend in Wisconsin, a mutual friend’s birthday, and his cousin’s wedding coming up. The relationship should end, but (in our heads) it’s already planned out and it’s really hard to back out once plans are in place.

Part of getting past a BLOW OFF—planner or not—is accepting the death of a dream. It isn’t only the person we miss: the person was the conduit to our dream, whether that dream was one of family, connection, security, adventure, or discovery. Thoughts of “what-could-have-been” haunt us and any future plans we had with the person now have to be revised, canceled, or forgotten. Even if we realistically and logically know that we’ll meet someone else, we still have to let the dreams and plans go. The truth is that the person was the vehicle, not the destination.

Does anyone else think dating is rougher for planners? Anyone have a story from their experience being, dating, or knowing a planner?

2 comments:

  1. "It isn’t only the person we miss: the person was the conduit to our dream, whether that dream was one of family, connection, security, adventure, or discovery. Thoughts of “what-could-have-been” haunt us and any future plans we had with the person now have to be revised, canceled, or forgotten." so true.

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  2. This is so so so true. I am a producer and spend my life making plans and ensuring they follow through - if they don't, well it's a problem. So the same rests in my personal life. I hate when plans deviate from what was agreed - i'm working at getting better at it but even in relationships it was a problem when things had to shift or got cancelled.
    Now that i'm single and dating, I completely sympathise with this. If we make a mutual decision to go to Bologna in two weeks to see a gig we couldn't get tickets for in London, well that date is already in my calendar and i've researched best ticket prices for the plane and found two airbnbs that are available. Therefore when inexplicably things cool off or someone gives me the blowoff, yes it is much harder just to let things go. It feels as though this sudden gap or void is then present in my calendar. I don't know what the solve to this would be though. We can't fundamentally change who we are, nor should we, and more often than not it is my organisation that people love best (or one of the things that people love best) about me.

    I suppose the solution is multiple plans, back up plans and a thicker skin ! But also if there is a holiday I really want to take or a trip I really want to do, now I just book it alone or for myself - if it happens great ! if something happens and the person no longer wants to? I go alone or with a different friend. Perfect !

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