Tuesday, July 14, 2015

the bachelorette: episode 10 recap

The episode picks up where the dick fight from last week left off. This argument would be a lot shorter and a lot more interesting if Gosling Lite and Grown-up Bieber just pulled down their pants to see which one of them has a bigger dick. Answer: Chris Harrison. Shawn tells Nick that he thinks he had ulterior motives for coming on the show. Nick tells Shawn he's got a long lost eskimo brother out there in the world. Shawn says that if Hatelyn ends up with Nick, he'll sleep easy at night. All along, I've been rooting for Shawn and his glorious six pack, but I thought Nick came off much less douchey during this fight. Here's how I remember it:

Nick: Maybe if you tried to get to know me, you'd like me. 
Shawn: PLEASE DIE.

The second fantasy suite date of the season goes to... Ben H. Oh no. He's getting dumped. Never in the history of the Bachelorette or Bachelor has the final rose gone to the middle fuck date. To start out their day together, Ben and Kaitlyn hang out in the Irish countryside, feed animals, and ride horses. Apparently, Queen Kaitlyn has made claims about being a country girl, yet she's never been on a horse. Um, yeah. She also has doves tattooed on her triceps and is terrified of birds. What else are you lying about Kaitlyn, if that's even your real name? How many crew guys have you boned on this journey?

The highlight of this date is when Ben and Kaitlyn get chased by donkeys. Unfortunately, they do not get trampled or torn limb from limb. Kaitlyn refers to Ben as a calming presence which is just a nice way of saying he's boring. Look, Ben is handsome and sweet-- but does anyone really believe these two could get engaged in a week? For starters, he's twenty-six. In guy years, that makes him about four years old. Kaitlyn is turning thirty in a few months. In lady years, that's like 112. By my incredibly precise and scientific calculations, that makes her 108 years older than Ben. This would only be an acceptable age gap if she was a vampire and he was an angsty teen girl. CUT TO:

The morning after in Kaitlyn's hotel room. Um, why did they put the Barbara Walters lens on these cameras? The soft lighting is a bit much, but nothing quite tops the shot of the baby lamb and its mama. We get it: Kaitlyn and Ben had sex and a baby lamb was born. It's like a scene right out of the bible.

Kaitlyn is feeling super confused after getting only thirty minutes of sleep on her fantasy suite date with Ben. By super confused, she means: I heart younger peen and I don't want to live in a world where I'll never get to have sex with a cute Adam Brody look alike again. I don't want to live in that world either, Kaitlyn-- but we all have to make sacrifices in this life.

Can someone at ABC let me know how much rest Queen Kaitlyn of House Bristow gets between fantasy suite dates? Like, does she have sex with three guys in three days or does her hot pocket get a little time to cool off? I really hope the producers keep the place stocked with cranberry juice, monistat 7, and that stuff that turns your pee orange but makes it sting less when you urinate. That's right, guys. This is the one thing no one likes to talk about. The fantasy suite dates are a breeding ground for yeast infections and bladder infections. Like, ABC would have to shut down production if Kaitlyn came down with a nasty UTI. You can't have sex while you're recovering from that shit. Also, does she have to use condoms with all of the guys? Is STD testing a requirement before you're allowed to be on the show? What if Kaitlyn was like "Do you accept this rose and my HPV?" Then what would happen? These are just some of the thoughts and questions in my head. If you have any of the answers, please write them in the comments section.

Time for Gosling Lite and Kaitlyn's date. Because ABC continues to hate America, they are going to go golfing-- which means hot Shawn has to wear navy dockers and a terrible hot pink polo shirt. If that wasn't bad enough, he even makes a terrible golf/love analogy. Both are things you can do when you're old and grey. The fuck? I take some comfort in knowing that a producer on this show wrote that line and probably drugged Shawn's pint of beer to get him to say it. I'm no fool, I watch Unreal. I know how this shit operates.

Kaitlyn somehow wins the game and tells Shawn she wants to play a game of truth or dare. Here's how I wish the game went.

Kaitlyn: Truth or dare?
Shawn: Truth.
Kaitlyn: Is THIS your eskimo brother?
Kaitlyn: Truth or dare?
Shawn: Truth.
Kaitlyn: Is THIS your eskimo baby?
Kaitlyn: Truth or dare?
Shawn: Truth.
Kaitlyn: Is THIS where we will live if we get married?
But instead she just dares him to strip naked. And he does and it's kind of hot. And he gets his very own black box to cover up his man bits.
It's not until the dinner portion of their date that Kaitlyn decides to bring up Shawn's disgust for Nick and the little story she heard about him being eskimo brothers with some famous country singer, because they both fucked the same girl. Let's get something straight here, people. The only person who really comes off skeezy in this story is the girl who fucked two guys in the same day. I mean, how is any dude supposed to know that the girl he sleeps with is going to go sleep with some other guy a few hours later? Shawn Booth was an innocent victim in all of this.

Shawn admits that he hates "that guy" and that he recently confronted him. When Kaitlyn brings up the eskimo brothers comment, he gets even more riled up-- but then get this, she's like: You don't have to explain it to me. WHAT? Why not? I demand to know what actually happened here. I guess she's not really one to judge, but I personally want to know who the famous country singer was. Garth Brooks? Willie Nelson? Jon from Real World Los Angeles?
Anyway, Hot Shawn and Taintlyn have sex and... Nick and Shawn officially become ESKIMO BROTHERS.

With Nick, we got this whole morning after breakfast. With Ben, we got soft light and baby lambs. And with Kaitlyn and Shawn we get him saying "see ya" and leaving her room in sweatpants. UM, no morning after at all? Instead, Shawn walks out to find Nick waiting for him at his room and they basically have the exact same argument they had in the beginning of the episode. I was really hoping they would chest bump and congratulate each other on being eskimo bros, but that doesn't happen. Instead, Slick Nick tries to give Shawn a piece of his mind and Shawn tells him he never wants to see him or talk to him again. Shawn also implies that Nick sold him out and broke bro code by telling Queen Kaitlyn about the eskimo scandal. Once again, Hot Shawn comes off looking like a bully-- though it is kind of nice to see someone throw Tricky Nick off his game.There is a part of me that just wants these guys to have a beer summit and try to get along.

Rose Ceremony time. So, when you're about to dump a guy who you just had sex with-- definitely wear a dress like that's so low cut, your belly button is practically hanging out. All that cleavage will totally help soften the blow. Before handing out roses, Kaitlyn seeks advice from her guru, Chris Harrison. The man has perfected the art of pretending to be interested, while a contestant pretends they don't know who they're going to give a rose to. I wonder what he's really thinking during this sequence? How he wishes he was at his typewriter, drinking a scotch, and working on the second installment of his book The Perfect Letter? I think it's pretty safe to say that he's our generation's Hemingway. On the show Unreal, the host totally sleeps with the booted contestants. Which makes me wonder how many girls Harrison has bagged. He's probably eskimo brothers with all of these guys:
Harrison has to pull double duty when Kaitlyn breaks down in tears in the middle of the rose ceremony. He tells her to suck it up and dump someone already, daddy's got three more chapters to write tonight. In a move that surprises no one, she sends the twenty-six year old home. Some of you were really upset about this over Twitter, BUT he's way too young to get married. I'm on board with her sticking to the 30somethings. And if Ben H can develop a personality between now and September, he might make a decent Bachelor. The most exciting part of the episode happened right after the rose ceremony:
SO awkward.
We finally leave Ireland for a hotel in Utah where Kaitlyn will meet Nick and Shawn's families. Maybe I just don't like change, but I kind of missed the standard hometown episodes this season. I like getting to see what cities these guys grew up in. How else would we know that someone's dads was super into taxidermy? Or that your future chiropractor father-in-law could give you a nose adjustment? These recaps can't survive without those moments!
Chris from Des's season gets a nose adjustment from his dad.
The first family Hatelyn meets is Nick's. I totally forgot about these guys from Andi's season! Nick has like ten brothers and sisters. If you had told me that Nick's entire family had just been told he'd contracted Ebola in Ireland and was currently quarantined at some hospital in Salt Lake City, I would totally believe it. THAT'S how sad they look. They're miserable. None of them wants to be here. None of them can believe that Nick went on the show again and they're literally terrified that he's going to get his heartbroken again. I mean, just look at his little sister Bella:
She clearly knows something the rest of us don't about her brother. Also, I'm pretty sure she can start fires with her mind. Poor Bella breaks down crying. UGH. Even Nick's mom is in tears. She's probably thinking about how they are still in debt from all the psychiatric bills that piled up from the last time her son got dumped on this show. I hope you're proud of yourself, Andi Dorfman! In all seriousness, I feel really bad for Nick's family, but this also makes me worry that he's a headcase. He could really go off the deep end if this doesn't work out. Now I actually want him and Kaitlyn to end up together, because I don't think Nick will ever recover if she ends up with that other guy. Plus, he has zero chance of becoming the next Bachelor. Hot Shawn, on the other hand, will totally bounce back. I mean, he even said: I will sleep fine if Kaitlyn picks you.

Also, I'm really into Nick's mom. Hatelyn totally reassures her that Nick will not get hurt again-- which makes it all the more fucked up if she ends up picking Shawn. I never thought I would say this you guys, but... #TeamNick.

Gosling Lite's family is understandably suspect about this whole process when they meet Kaitlyn. They kind of brush over the fact that his mom is a no-show, but to me, that's never a good sign. Shockingly, Shawn only has two older sisters. Where is this eskimo brother we've been hearing about so much?! This is proof that Nick totally made the whole thing up. 

Shawn's family is surprised to learn that the show has broken with tradition and that he's actually one of the final two guys left. They instantly like Kaitlyn, but Shawn's dad is a little less convinced by this whole thing. I'm still too busy reeling about the emotional trauma Nick has put his family through since last season so I'm not totally paying attention to any of this.

After Kaitlyn says good bye to the Gosling family, Shawn sits her down and tells her that he was just lying when he said he was falling in love with her. BECAUSE he is in love with her. Whoa. Talk about a fake out. Kaitlyn makes out with him, then goes back to her hotel room and balls her eyes out because she's so confused. I'll take this as a sign that she plans to choose Nick and Shawn's declaration makes her feel extra guilty.

But honestly, who really cares about any of this when there's so many unanswered questions about Britt and Brady. Are they trying a long distance relationship after their four hours together filming in Los Angeles?  It would be pretty fucking amazing if these two got engaged during After the Final Rose, got married, and stayed together forever. If that happens, I promise I will get a face tattoo of Chris Harrison's face on my face. Can't wait for Men Tell All next week. It's going to be... probably really boring.

2 comments:

  1. Hahaha these recaps make sitting through the show worth it. So, are Nick and Shawn meeting Kaitlyn's family at some point? What's going on here? Also, I'll be disappointed if Ben is The Bachelor. No one wants to see a 4-year-old be The Bachelor!

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