Nick: Maybe if you tried to get to know me, you'd like me.
Shawn: PLEASE DIE.
The second fantasy suite date of the season goes to... Ben H. Oh no. He's getting dumped. Never in the history of the Bachelorette or Bachelor has the final rose gone to the middle fuck date. To start out their day together, Ben and Kaitlyn hang out in the Irish countryside, feed animals, and ride horses. Apparently, Queen Kaitlyn has made claims about being a country girl, yet she's never been on a horse. Um, yeah. She also has doves tattooed on her triceps and is terrified of birds. What else are you lying about Kaitlyn, if that's even your real name? How many crew guys have you boned on this journey?
The highlight of this date is when Ben and Kaitlyn get chased by donkeys. Unfortunately, they do not get trampled or torn limb from limb. Kaitlyn refers to Ben as a calming presence which is just a nice way of saying he's boring. Look, Ben is handsome and sweet-- but does anyone really believe these two could get engaged in a week? For starters, he's twenty-six. In guy years, that makes him about four years old. Kaitlyn is turning thirty in a few months. In lady years, that's like 112. By my incredibly precise and scientific calculations, that makes her 108 years older than Ben. This would only be an acceptable age gap if she was a vampire and he was an angsty teen girl. CUT TO:
The morning after in Kaitlyn's hotel room. Um, why did they put the Barbara Walters lens on these cameras? The soft lighting is a bit much, but nothing quite tops the shot of the baby lamb and its mama. We get it: Kaitlyn and Ben had sex and a baby lamb was born. It's like a scene right out of the bible.
Kaitlyn is feeling super confused after getting only thirty minutes of sleep on her fantasy suite date with Ben. By super confused, she means: I heart younger peen and I don't want to live in a world where I'll never get to have sex with a cute Adam Brody look alike again. I don't want to live in that world either, Kaitlyn-- but we all have to make sacrifices in this life.
Can someone at ABC let me know how much rest Queen Kaitlyn of House Bristow gets between fantasy suite dates? Like, does she have sex with three guys in three days or does her hot pocket get a little time to cool off? I really hope the producers keep the place stocked with cranberry juice, monistat 7, and that stuff that turns your pee orange but makes it sting less when you urinate. That's right, guys. This is the one thing no one likes to talk about. The fantasy suite dates are a breeding ground for yeast infections and bladder infections. Like, ABC would have to shut down production if Kaitlyn came down with a nasty UTI. You can't have sex while you're recovering from that shit. Also, does she have to use condoms with all of the guys? Is STD testing a requirement before you're allowed to be on the show? What if Kaitlyn was like "Do you accept this rose and my HPV?" Then what would happen? These are just some of the thoughts and questions in my head. If you have any of the answers, please write them in the comments section.
Time for Gosling Lite and Kaitlyn's date. Because ABC continues to hate America, they are going to go golfing-- which means hot Shawn has to wear navy dockers and a terrible hot pink polo shirt. If that wasn't bad enough, he even makes a terrible golf/love analogy. Both are things you can do when you're old and grey. The fuck? I take some comfort in knowing that a producer on this show wrote that line and probably drugged Shawn's pint of beer to get him to say it. I'm no fool, I watch Unreal. I know how this shit operates.
Kaitlyn somehow wins the game and tells Shawn she wants to play a game of truth or dare. Here's how I wish the game went.
Kaitlyn: Truth or dare?
Kaitlyn: Is THIS your eskimo brother?
Kaitlyn: Is THIS your eskimo baby?
Kaitlyn: Is THIS where we will live if we get married?
Shawn admits that he hates "that guy" and that he recently confronted him. When Kaitlyn brings up the eskimo brothers comment, he gets even more riled up-- but then get this, she's like: You don't have to explain it to me. WHAT? Why not? I demand to know what actually happened here. I guess she's not really one to judge, but I personally want to know who the famous country singer was. Garth Brooks? Willie Nelson? Jon from Real World Los Angeles?
With Nick, we got this whole morning after breakfast. With Ben, we got soft light and baby lambs. And with Kaitlyn and Shawn we get him saying "see ya" and leaving her room in sweatpants. UM, no morning after at all? Instead, Shawn walks out to find Nick waiting for him at his room and they basically have the exact same argument they had in the beginning of the episode. I was really hoping they would chest bump and congratulate each other on being eskimo bros, but that doesn't happen. Instead, Slick Nick tries to give Shawn a piece of his mind and Shawn tells him he never wants to see him or talk to him again. Shawn also implies that Nick sold him out and broke bro code by telling Queen Kaitlyn about the eskimo scandal. Once again, Hot Shawn comes off looking like a bully-- though it is kind of nice to see someone throw Tricky Nick off his game.There is a part of me that just wants these guys to have a beer summit and try to get along.
Rose Ceremony time. So, when you're about to dump a guy who you just had sex with-- definitely wear a dress like that's so low cut, your belly button is practically hanging out. All that cleavage will totally help soften the blow. Before handing out roses, Kaitlyn seeks advice from her guru, Chris Harrison. The man has perfected the art of pretending to be interested, while a contestant pretends they don't know who they're going to give a rose to. I wonder what he's really thinking during this sequence? How he wishes he was at his typewriter, drinking a scotch, and working on the second installment of his book The Perfect Letter? I think it's pretty safe to say that he's our generation's Hemingway. On the show Unreal, the host totally sleeps with the booted contestants. Which makes me wonder how many girls Harrison has bagged. He's probably eskimo brothers with all of these guys:
|Chris from Des's season gets a nose adjustment from his dad.|
Also, I'm really into Nick's mom. Hatelyn totally reassures her that Nick will not get hurt again-- which makes it all the more fucked up if she ends up picking Shawn. I never thought I would say this you guys, but... #TeamNick.
Gosling Lite's family is understandably suspect about this whole process when they meet Kaitlyn. They kind of brush over the fact that his mom is a no-show, but to me, that's never a good sign. Shockingly, Shawn only has two older sisters. Where is this eskimo brother we've been hearing about so much?! This is proof that Nick totally made the whole thing up.
Shawn's family is surprised to learn that the show has broken with tradition and that he's actually one of the final two guys left. They instantly like Kaitlyn, but Shawn's dad is a little less convinced by this whole thing. I'm still too busy reeling about the emotional trauma Nick has put his family through since last season so I'm not totally paying attention to any of this.
After Kaitlyn says good bye to the Gosling family, Shawn sits her down and tells her that he was just lying when he said he was falling in love with her. BECAUSE he is in love with her. Whoa. Talk about a fake out. Kaitlyn makes out with him, then goes back to her hotel room and balls her eyes out because she's so confused. I'll take this as a sign that she plans to choose Nick and Shawn's declaration makes her feel extra guilty.
But honestly, who really cares about any of this when there's so many unanswered questions about Britt and Brady. Are they trying a long distance relationship after their four hours together filming in Los Angeles? It would be pretty fucking amazing if these two got engaged during After the Final Rose, got married, and stayed together forever. If that happens, I promise I will get a face tattoo of Chris Harrison's face on my face. Can't wait for Men Tell All next week. It's going to be... probably really boring.