Wednesday, July 1, 2015

the bachelorette: episode 8 recap

I'd like to start this recap by saying this season of The Bachelorette has been a hot mess. The pace is terrible, it feels disjointed and all over the place, and just plain sloppy. I realize the format of the show was thrown off by starting the first episode with the whole "two bachelorettes" plan, but I don't really think that ploy was worth the seven borderline confusing, crappy episodes we've gotten since. That said, there are more important things to be upset about in the world. Like the fact that Donald Trump exists and that no one has invented painless permanent hair removal yet. But let's get back to the show. The episode starts off with Hot Gosling Clone asking Hatelyn if she's in love with him. Contractually, she's not allowed to answer that so she's like: DOH!

And then she says "I'm falling in love with you." Shawn is having a difficult time and isn't sure if he can do this. You can tell that Queen Kaitlyn is going to shit a brick if he decides to leave and she never gets to have sex with him. This is the first time I'm desperate for my favorite contestant to lose, because Shawn has to be the next bachelor. There are simply no other options. Like, I'm pretty sure if he doesn't do it, they'll seriously have to ask Chris Harrison.

Every time Shawn approaches Kaitlyn in this episode, she's absolutely terrified that he's going to confront her about having sex in a closet with Nick. It's vital that Kaitlyn keeps this a secret until after she's had her fantasy suite date with Abs McGee. She cries during her interviews throughout this entire episode-- not because she feels bad for being intimate with Nick, but because she doesn't want to hurt anybody. Even though I find the use of the word "intimate" totally ridiculous, I will say that it's refreshing someone finally admits to fucking on this show. Let your skank flag fly, Kaitlyn! #hornywins

Meanwhile, back at the hotel... Tanner (AKA Bachelor super fan) has become besties with Slick Nick. They discuss the fact that Hot Shawn hates Nick and Tanner shares his theory that Shawn thought he was the frontrunner and now he feels threatened by Nick. Thank you Tanner for your wise assessment of the situation. I look forward to seeing you on Bachelor in Paradise.

Next up is the most uneventful two-on-one date in Bachelorette history. On Farmer Chris's season, there was a full out bitch war and both girls got left behind in the badlands. This shit is a snoozefest compared to that. For some odd reason, Kaitlyn dresses like Stevie Nicks for this date and goes on a picnic with Gay Gay and Cotton Eye Joe. Boring. These two guys don't even hate each other. Neither of them are even being over-confident. If only ABC had the foresight to keep Clint around so that he and JJ would have to go on the 2 on 1 date together and they could give each other roses. Total missed opportunity, network executives! In a shocking twist, JJ reveals he has a three year old daughter at home. WHAT? Has he ever mentioned her before? I seriously had no idea.

Country Joe decides he needs to make his love for Kaitlyn known. Even though they've had about two conversations with each other, he tells her that he's falling in love with her and can't get enough of her. Nicely played, Joe. Nicely played. I don't know what Bachelorette strategy book Gay-Gay has been reading, because #1 he was gay for another guy in the house and #2 he decides to share a deep dark secret with Kaitlyn. He cheated on his wife. As in the mother of his child. As in the worst thing anyone could do to their spouse besides murder them. If I was Kaitlyn, my first question would be "with a dude?!" Instead, she tells JJ that being cheated on is her worst fear in a relationship, but she's sure he would never repeat that mistake. Is she on crack? Even though she plays it off like the cheating is no big thang, Kaitlyn decides she wants more time to with Joe to decide if he's husband material and sends JJ home.

I don't feel bad for JJ, because gay marriage is now legal in all fifty states and Clint and JJ can finally make it official! #lovewins

Kaitlyn and Joe hang out some more. She gives him a rose. I'm so bored please kill me.

In the second installment of "Hot Shawn Abs McGee is Melting Down" Hot Shawn Abs McGee shows up to Kaitlyn's hotel room, because he's melting down. It comes to surface that off-camera, Hatelyn told him "It's you. I think you're the one.:

OH HELL NO said every producer on this show ever. This is a HUGE no-no. It has to be a serious breach of contract, right? You can tell from the look on Kaitlyn's face that she's like "dude, you just sold me out before my contract for Dancing with the Stars was finalized." She has to get in trouble for this behind-the-scenes. Anyway, Shawn feels like hearing that he was the one actually messed with his head more, because now he has to see her with all the other guys and he doesn't understand how she could say that to him but not give him the group date rose, blah blah blah. Once again, Kaitlyn tries to persuade him to stay and tells him that this is all part of the process, please don't go before she's seen his cock up close, she's been doing her kegels all season, if it's anal he wants, then it's anal he'll get! Okay, so maybe that's not exactly how the conversation played out, but if there were subtitles for Kaitlyn's interior monologue, that's totally what they would say.

I can't wait for Abs McGee to find out that Hatelyn's had Slick Nick's Dick inside of her. His head is totally going to explode.

During the cocktail portion of the episode Ben H (AKA Seth Cohen) goes up to Queen Kaitlyn and confronts her about the off-camera conversation she had with Hot Shawn in San Antonio. She surprised them both off camera in their hotel room and Ben H could tell that while he was in the shower, Kaitlyn said something to Shawn that made him happy. Ben explains that something was said that night and didn't make him feel good. I'm very confused about all of this. How often does the Bachelorette get off camera time with the contestants? Do we think Kaitlyn and Abs had sex too? Were they totally fucking, while sweet little Ben H was none the wiser, while doing this in the shower?
After her conversation with Ben H, Kaitlyn takes Nick aside and basically tells him that if he tells anyone that they boned, she will claim her Irish whiskey was roofied and that Nick raped her. Okay, that's not what she says, but what do you guys want from me? This season is SO lame. The only way I can make these recaps interesting is if I make shit up. Ultimately, Hatelyn puts Nick on a serious gag order and he tells her that he hasn't said anything to anyone. I'm getting a little scared for Kaitlyn here. Nick is starting to lose his cool and shades of serial killer are totally coming out. Queen Kaitlyn needs to watch herself when she's kissing him. There could be poison on those lips!

Truth be told, I actually feel kind of bad for Nick in this scene. He seems pretty vulnerable and I don't know if he'll be able to handle the double humiliation of being second runner-up two seasons in a row. Plus, even though I think Hatelyn and Hot Shawn are super attracted to each other, it seems like she still has more chemistry with Nick. And someone needs to marry him and move into his house to discover all those poor women he's keeping prisoner in his basement. Call Me Kaitlyn could be an American hero.

And then-- no joke-- we get ANOTHER conversation between Kaitlyn and Hot Shawn about their relationship. I am about to fucking lose it. Literally, forty-five minutes of this episode has been these two having the exact same conversation. This time, Kaitlyn admits she made a mistake by telling Shawn off camera that he was the one and that they need to take a step back in their relationship. Shawn is thoroughly confused, because he's never been rejected by anyone in his entire life. Do you know how many drunk girls he's nailed in his lifetime just by pretending to be Ryan Gosling? Thousands!

The rose ceremony finally takes place and Hatelyn sends Tanner and Ben Z home. It's completely uneventful.

Next, the cast travels to Kilarney, Ireland and Love Man gets yet another one on one date with Kaitlyn. They get to road trip together. If you told me in episode one that Love Man would make it to the fantasy suite date, I would have been like "get the fuck out of here you crazy dumb dumb" but Kaitlyn is all about him for some reason. Is it because he's pretending to be a super hero? Or because he got concussed fighting for her in the boxing date? Or because she's embarrassed that he's got peach fuzz all over his face? The main two takeaways from this date are that Kaitlyn's hair looks relatively nice and that they kiss some stone building.

Queen Kaitlyn literally arrives at her castle where she's met by Chris Harrison. At this point, I'm super perplexed because there are only two episodes left and we've still got five contestants. How the hell are they going to have enough room for hometown dates, the fantasy suite dates, and the final episode? Apparently, the producers had the same concerns. They've decided that the three men who get a rose in this next episode will go straight to the fucking portion of the competition. The two guys who fuck the best will get to introduce Kaitlyn to their families. Queen K is super pleased about this, because it means she's going to get laid super soon. At one point, Kaitlyn says she regrets having sex with Slick Nick and Harrison's like "Good."

He then tells her that they're doing this new format to give her more off camera time with the other guys and to level the plowing playing field. Side note: does it look like Kaitlyn has meth face? Next, Chris Harrison goes to the men and relays this information to them as well. Holy crap. They're really working him to the bone in this episode. As far as I'm concerned, this is slave labor. It's cool cause Harrison is laughing all the way to the bank. Proof:
The episode ends with Kaitlyn taking Dentist Cupcake on a helicopter ride to some cliff side where they have a windy picnic and she tells him she doesn't see a long term future with him and then they both cry and Kaitlyn flies away in the helicopter and Cupcake collapses to the ground in a very dramatic fashion because he's so sad he won't get some punani in the fantasy suite and the show cuts back to Kaitlyn who is no longer crying, but probably thinking about taking a nap. Was it just me or did Cupcake kind of look like Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights in this scene?!
My favorite part of the entire episode is when Cupcake gets dumped and says during his interview that Kaitlyn's a mess. Agreed. Until next week when everyone finally finds out that Skanklyn had sex with Nick! Hurray!

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