Wednesday, July 8, 2015

the bachelorette: episode 9 recap

This episode begins with Queen Kaitlyn strolling through the hills of Killarney, lamenting over the fact that she had sex in a closet with Tricky Nick. Was it too much, too soon? How will the other guys react? Is America ready for a Bachelorette who needs sex on the regular? Guys, intimacy is SO complicated! I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that I don't think Kaitlyn would be this upset if Nick had rocked her world. What she really wants to say is: "He lasted five minutes, I didn't even come, and now I may lose my chance to bone Hot Shawn Gosling in the fantasy suite. #FML"

Ben H gets the next one on one date where he and Kaitlyn row a boat and play hide and seek. But how does one really play a fair game of hide and seek when there's a camera crew involved? "Hey, Kaitlyn-- is that you hiding in front of all those crew guys?!" Things get slightly more interesting during the nighttime portion of the date when Ben H admits that he's afraid he's unlovable, because his last girlfriend dumped him. Hm. Does Ben and his fear of being unlovable have potential to be our next Bachelor? Let's hope not. If it wasn't already bad enough that he was unlovable, he makes the rookie mistake of saying the fantasy suite date isn't about getting physical. He's perfectly happy staying up and talking all night. Kaitlyn: SAY WHAT? I hear words, but I'm not understanding them. What is this 'talking' you speak of? Cause...
Who the hell does Ben think he's dating here?! Did he not get the memo that Kaitlyn is a borderline nymphomaniac? She's like "Making conversation? I was gonna ask where you stood on the whole girl wearing a strap on debate." This chick is not taking any man into that fantasy suite if he's not putting out. Just as it looks like she might send Cuddles packing, she asks him if he's a virgin. DUN-DUN-DUN.

I don't know why I'm even entertaining the possibility he might be. There's no way the producers wouldn't have made it into an entire storyline. Ben: No, I'm not a virgin.  Kaitlyn:
We get to have sex! We get to have sex! We get to have sex! We get to have sex! We get to have sex!

The three lucky dudes to land a three-on-one date this week are Shawn Steroids, Slick Nick, and Cotton Eye Joe. On this date, whoever wins the rose will gain access to Queen Kaitlyn of House Bristowe's vaginal cavity. The stakes are higher than they've ever been. Unless you're Nick, because you been there, done that. Hatelyn gets in some alone time with Coveted Penis #1 (AKA Shawn). The two of them say they've missed each other and they're feeling out of sorts. The last time they were together, they didn't even kiss. SO tragic. They make out and we learn that Kaitlyn REALLY needs to tell Shawn that even though she said he was the one, she got a little peen on the side (we all agree it was little, right?) But before she can come clean with him, Tricky Nick shows up and asks for some alone time with Kaitlyn.

I'm kind of torn when it comes to Shawn VS Nick. I can't tell which guy Taintlyn is actually more into. And I can't even tell who I'm rooting for anymore. Don't get me wrong, Nick is creepy as fuck, but they have more of a shorthand with each other. And all Shawn and Kaitlyn talk about is how hard this process has been on them. (P.S. What about how hard it's been for us to watch it?!) In real life, these two would have had a hot one night stand filled with spanking and hair pulling, but TV is making them wait weeks for what would normally take two hours and three shots of Cuervo.

During her alone time with Nick, he mumbles that he's falling in love with her. Like, literally covers his mouth and is like I'm falling in love with you. For all we know, he could have told her he was going to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti! But instead of saying "speak up, mumbles" Kaitlyn smiles and makes out with him.

Meanwhile, poor Cotton Eye Joe is twiddling his thumbs and telling Shawn Frontrunner he has pink lip gloss on his face. Shame-lyn arrives to get some one on one time with Joe. He tells her he loves her, and she responds with:
No, for reals. It actually looks like she's trying not to laugh in his face as he says it. I don't blame her. They've probably spent a grand total of one hour together and she knows he's saying anything he possibly can to get some hot action before he returns to life on the farm in Kansas. Hatelyn tells Joe  she needs to be brutally honest with him and says she doesn't see a future with him. Then a crazy thing happens. En Vogue comes out and starts singing:
 If I were producing this show, that actually would have happened. I'm just sayin' ABC.

Joe is SUPER pissed. I get why he would be upset if the producers manipulate things so you really think you're a contender, but... did he really expect that she would give him a sex date over any of the other guys?! He's turns all wife-beater/date-raper angry in this scene and though I don't condone dickishness or rape wife beating, this makes for some great TV. Especially since the bachelorette always expects the guys to be nice and understanding when they're dumped. Joe won't even look at her or hug her. He's like "no problem, no worries, I ain't got shit to say to you." The most hilarious part is when he's like "what do I do now?" and Kaitlyn's like: "we hug and say good bye". Clearly, someone in production dropped the ball, because no one stopped tape to tell Joe that the budget is tight this season and if he wants to leave Ireland, he has to click his heels three times and say "there's no place like home" and then he'll get back to Kansas.

Poor Joe. He didn't even get an exit interview, he's got about zero chance of being the next Bachelor and won't even get his own segment on the Men Tell All. What's worse-- he didn't even win a spot on Bachelor in Paradise. He may as well have never existed.

After the producers cart Joe away, Kaitlyn returns to tell Shawn and "the other guy" that she doesn't  feel like giving a rose right now. She really appreciates Nick's openness and honesty, but he's going to need to go back to the hotel so she can get some alone time with Shawn. OH SNAP! CUT TO:

The nighttime portion of Kaitlyn and Shawn's date and the EXCRUCIATING build up to Kaitlyn finally admitting that she and Nick had some off camera time on their date and things went too far. It's hard for her to admit, but they HAD SEX. Shawn's clearly upset and shocked by this news, but manages to keep it together. He asks if she regrets it and she says that she did feel guilty. He excuses himself to go the bathroom, so he can:
Actually, thanks to the hot mic we hear him say that he's so tense, he can't even pee. Does this woman have no soul? How could she do this to him? Who knows. Maybe he was just pooping this whoel time Either way, Shawn pulls it together and returns. He says he appreciates Kaitlyn's honesty and even though he's upset, he's going to have to man up and deal with it. Guys, I made a GIF about it!
 
During his interview, Shawn admits he's trying to stay calm, but that he's a little sick to his stomach. Hang in there, Shawny boy! You're practically three days away from sex. Even though my main squeeze is starting to show some shades of douchey, I will say that he didn't slut-shame Taintlyn at all. He had a right to be upset-- especially after being told that he was the one-- and did a good job of keeping it together. Well played, you sexy beast.

Rose ceremony time. Kaitlyn gives Shawn the first rose and he says he wants to talk to her. I LOVE how panicked she looks every time she thinks there might be a possibility that he's leaving and she won't get a chance to hump him.

Shawn confesses he's more upset that he let on and doesn't understand why she would do something like this to jeopardize them. I'll admit, Queen Kaitlyn handles this line of questioning like a boss. She explains she wants to explore all the relationships-- especially since after this she's going to commit to one person for the rest of her life. Seriously. If I was her, I would have sex with all thirty contestants, Britt, Amy Schumer, the camera crew, the best boy grip, the craft services team, Chris Harrison, Doug E Fresh, the entire audience of the Men Tell All special, Ben Affleck cause he's single now, and Wilson the volleyball from Castaway cause why not.

Anyway, she's worried now that Hot Shawn doesn't trust her. But can you blame him? I wouldn't trust a girl either who freely has sex with a super smug serial killer.

They return to the rose ceremony and this time, Shawn accepts the rose. Sadly, it's the end of the line for Jared AKA Love Man. This whole season, I have been totally confused as to how Jared made it this far, but his reaction to getting dumped melted my ice cold heart. This is proof that nice guys finish last fourth. He even offers Kaitlyn his jacket as she tries to explain why she has no interest in feeling his penis. He's really nice to her and cries in the back of the limo. But don't feel too bad, for Jared, guys. We'll be seeing him on Bachelor in Paradise! Maybe he will find love with:
Nick get the first fantasy suite date with Hatelyn-- which is actually doesn't bode well for him. Usually the guy who bones last wins it all. For some reason, he feels extra smug and smarmy to me on this date. We also learn that he's got a religious background which is extra confusing since I'm pretty sure he finger-fucked Kaitlyn in a church a few episodes ago. Just when I think I couldn't be more offended by Tricky Nick, he tells Kaitlyn that Hot Shawn bragged about being eskimo brothers with a famous country singer. Apparently this means they both fucked the same girl on the same day. Hatelyn is grossed out, but also doesn't want to hear anything negative about Abs McGee. PLUS-- I think she can finally tell that Tricky Nick has ulterior motives for telling her this. Why is he waiting till fantasy suite dates to mention this? Also, I'm sure Shawn just has a brother who's an eskimo and there was a huge miscommunication.

Nick and Kaitlyn go into this fake tiny fantasy suite room and we're supposed to think it's hilarious that Nick actually thinks this is where they're fucking. Uh, last place they had sex was a closet so this is totally a step up. What happens next is disgusting. We actually get to see the morning after with these two. Have we ever seen this before?? Is it because it's already out in the open that they've had sex so why not show them eating greasy post-sex food in bathrobes? Something about this scene really skeezed me out. You just know that hotel room smells of sex juices. At the same time, I think these two should end up together. It'll be too painful to watch Nick get dumped again and we need Shawn to be the next Bachelor. So: Nick for the win!

The episode ends on a cliffhanger with Shawn tracking down "the other guy's" hotel room so that they can have a "my dick is bigger than your dick" conversation. Or maybe Shawn just wants to remind Nick that in a few days they will be eskimo brothers. Who knows. Here's the confrontation in a nutshell:
The episode ends with the shocking reveal that after his four hour layover at LAX, Brady now needs to go back to Nashville. Britt and Brady decide they are going to try a long distance. Whoever thought these scenes did not seem fake as fuck needs to get fired immediately.

PS Where the FUCK was Chris Harrison this week?!?! Probably just hanging out, being all smooth and handsome and perfect. Harrison, if you're reading this: Keep on being you. xo

5 comments:

  1. Freakin hilarious as usual

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  2. I enjoy your recaps waaaaaaay more than the actual show!

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  3. LOL I agree that you could practically smell the morning after stank through the screen.

    Kaitlyn did look so scared Shawn wasn't going to accept her rose then turned around and put on her big girl panties! He backpedaled quick!

    And Nick does appear to have freakishly small hands... that he is always using to cover his mouth when he speaks!

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  4. I hate Nick's stupid stuffy nose voice. You can tell he was one of those kids with a vaporizer in his room. And that a Jared jacket move was SO calculated I was GAGGING! Ugh Love Man, you aren't that good an actor.

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  5. I hate Nick's stupid stuffy nose voice. You can tell he was one of those kids with a vaporizer in his room. And that a Jared jacket move was SO calculated I was GAGGING! Ugh Love Man, you aren't that good an actor.

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