Tuesday, July 21, 2015

the bachelorette: Men Tell All

Hey guys, here are the ten eleven takeaways from last night's Men Tell All episode. I didn't mention that Chris Harrison looked smoking hot, because, come on guys-- that goes without saying.

#11 Bachelor in Paradise looks amazing BUT ABC wants to destroy mankind by having it air twice a week. No, I will not be recapping this shit, but I'll probably be live tweeting so follow @theblowoff. My favorite thing about the BIP trailer is that we get to see guys who have literally just said how in love they are with Queen Kaitlyn make out with other girls. Also, Trashley from Farmer Chris's season is still a virgin and she wants Love Man to pop her cherry. 
#10 Tanner (AKA Bachelor super fan) wins the insult of the night award when he tells Ian that Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be an asshole. BURN! SNAP! HISS! Probably my two favorite moments of the episode were when Ian got down on his knees (twice) to apologize to Kaitlyn, Kaitlyn's mom, his mom, America, Chris Harrison, and whoever decides who gets to be the next Bachelor. The only thing more dramatic would have been if he nailed himself to a cross. Even though the apology was over the top, Ian knew he had to do some major damage control and I believe he sincerely felt bad about it. #IForgiveIan

#9 Corey should have co-written these recaps. I don't remember a single thing about him this season, but he had opinions about everyone and everything. I HATE when a guy no one cares about tries to take over the whole Men Tell All. He even said that though he didn't agree with Ian's delivery, he also thought Kaitlyn was a shitty bachelorette. Ben H and Love Man are both like: you talked to her for two minutes, bite your tongue, you look forty-five, how did you get on this show?

#8 Clint and JJ's relationship is still extremely confusing. Are they gay? Are they just really good friends? Why did JJ slap himself repeatedly? Why do they use words like "meat" to describe their dynamic? It's all very perplexing. I fully support their love for each other-- platonic, brotonic, gaytonic. Whatever. I think they might be the best couple to come out of this season.

#7 The glaring lack of drama on this season. When you give one on one interviews with JJ and Benzi, that's when you know nothing happened this season. Did either of these guys really warrant their own segment? Just the fact that Chris Harrison even had to waste his precious breath on them seems wrong to me. He needs to save all his brain energy on writing the highly anticipated sequel to The Perfect Letter! He better not pull a George RR Martin and take his sweet time writing his next book!

#6 I find Love Man much more endearing when I get to watch him fall over in embarrassment when he sees the clip of ripping his shirt open and pretending to be a super hero. Even Chris Harrison makes fun of his "spotty beard" when he says he's glad he got rid of it. Spotty Beard = Pubes on Face. I don't feel sorry for Jared AT ALL when he talks about how much he loved and cared about Kaitlyn, because twenty minutes ago, I watched clips of him making out with other contestants on Bachelor in Paradise.

#5 Ben Boring is probably going to be the next bachelor and I couldn't be more bummed out about it. Fine. He's cute. Fine. He looks more like Peter Brady than Adam Brody. BUT he's SO boring and vanilla. And I'm just not into watching a twenty-six year old guy pretend like he's actually interested in finding a wife and getting married. I will only be on board with this season if we all just agree it's a show about a guy picking three girls to fuck in the fantasy suite.

#4 Mean Tweets are WAY funnier on Jimmy Kimmel Live than they are on Men Tell All. When Kaitlyn comes out (dressed like a figure skater, but with better hair), the conversation turns to how much Murica hates her, because she had sex on the show. She's even been getting death threats. Fuck Murica. Seriously. I'm so sick of how puritanical everyone is in this country. Even though this is the least feminist show in the entire world, part of me feels like we need to celebrate that Kaitlyn didn't try to cover up the fact that she had sex with someone and wasn't going to deny that sexual chemistry is a very important part of a relationship. Seriously, I didn't write down any of the tweets Harrison read out loud (was this really necessary, ABC?) But they were basically like "#slut #whore #DieBitch #BurnInHell #SkankyHerpesBitch. I was actually moved when all the guys stood up for Kaitlyn and when Chris Harrison said that he would much rather have her as a role model for his kids than a cyber-bully. P.S. Am I a cyber-bully because I may have once tweeted that she looked like she had meth face?

#3 Some inside scoop. Kaitlyn spent SIX HOURS in Ben H and Shawn Gosling's room. When the handlers popped in to tell them they had an hour to get ready, the guys covered her up in a blanket so no one would know she was in there. Is this breach of contract? How much trouble did she get into for sneaking into the contestants rooms and tells Shawn he could have her vagina for the rest of his life if he wanted it? I hope she got water-boarded.

#2 The guys still hate Nick and many of them still can't deal with the fact that Kaitlyn let him on the show after saying that she could see her husband in the room. Many felt she didn't go about the whole Nick thing too well and Kaitlyn responds with the classic: dating twenty-five guys is HARD. No it's not. It's fun. Dating twenty-five guys who are all falling at your feet is fucking awesome. Stop Frontin. I did like that when one of the dudes gave her a hard time about Nick she was like "Uh, you voted for Britt." Also, he's African-American and minorities have no say about anything on this show because it's the most racist fucking shit on TV. Like, the KKK could have its own network and this would still be more racist. Honestly, I'm surprised there's not a confederate flag waving above the Bachelor house.

#1 Rapist "horned up" Ryan is actually pretty hot. It's too bad he wanted to rape so bad in the first episode, because he seems like he has a personality and could have been a good Bachelor (except for the whole rape thing).

Anyway, I have a feeling the finale will be pretty disappointing. Shawn will win. Nick will be devastated. Ben will be the next Bachelor. Chris Harrison will still be awesome. And Kaitlyn will stretch out her 15 minutes of fame on Dancing with the Stars. THE END.